He sat close beside me, his arm next to mine. He looked at my white skin and then at his brown skin next to mine.
“I wish,” followed by silence.
I knew what was coming. It’s come several times before and it makes my heart sink every time.
“What do you wish bud?”
“I wish my skin was white like yours.
“Why do you wish that?”
“Because then I wouldn’t get made fun of.”
Just a few days before he asked me if anyone will make fun of him for having a white sister when he’s brown. I knew something had happened yet again. I told him people shouldn’t. He told me people had.
We talked about why he should love his skin. We talked about racism and ignorance and how their is nothing wrong with his skin but there is something wrong with the heart of people who make fun of him for it. We talked about the people who have fought for the rights he has and how people are still fighting for equality for all.
“Is it getting better?” He asked.
“I don’t know bud, we just have to keep trying and you have to keep loving yourself because you are made exactly how God wanted you.”
I couldn’t tell him yes it is getting better because the past few years I have seen more and more of the ugliness of racism happening right where I live. How it is still a taboo subject that makes people angry when it is talked about. I’ve been searching trying to figure out if it is getting worse or maybe my eyes are just being opened more and more because that ugliness is happening to the ones I love the most. The answer makes my heart sink and makes me question what I can do to protect those I love the most. I don’t have that answer but I am searching for it.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Home at Easter
Home. What does it look like? Is it a place, a person, a group of people? Is it multiple things to you?
I’ve been thinking a lot about home this week and the many things it means. I have an amazing first home full of my favorite things..my husband, kids, and it is beautiful and I am loved here and I love here.
I have an amazing second home. It is extended family, parents, siblings, in laws, nieces, nephews and all the beauty that comes from those people. They love us at our worst and accept us with all our faults.
I have an amazing third home. Friends who have become family. They are the people who come over when life is hard and text and call when you’re feeling down. They come to baseball games, go camping together, and love us with all our quirkiness.
This Easter I had to think of another home. Church has always been a huge part of my life and my husband’a life. Married to a pastor Easter was a big event with lots of celebration and full of people. This year’s Easter looks different to us. We don’t have that church and my husband doesn’t have to spend hours preparing for it, being there early and staying late. So what do we do this Easter? That has been the question.
I have found myself feeling bitter that we aren’t smack dab in the middle of the Easter celebration. We are displaced and on the outside looking in at whatever church we go. I have found myself sad at not knowing where to go and what to do. I have found myself digging deep. How much of my love for Easter was the “event?” How much of my life for Easter was the true joy of celebrating Jesus rising from the dead? I think in the past I loved them both but now, now I focus on what it truly means.
My home this Easter is taking Good Friday to fully reflect on the magnitude of what Jesus did for us. Fully understanding to the best of my ability those three words, “it is finished.” Taking Saturday to feel the emptiness that must have been felt the day between. And tomorrow celebrating the joy of Jesus rising. What a celebration.
Home at Easter isn’t a church. Home at Easter isn’t a church family. Home at Easter is rejoicing in my heart and praising my Savior for what has been accomplished.
So tomorrow I don’t know where I’ll be. I don’t know who I will be surrounded by. But I know where my home at Easter is. It is with my king. Just like it should be every other day.
I’ve been thinking a lot about home this week and the many things it means. I have an amazing first home full of my favorite things..my husband, kids, and it is beautiful and I am loved here and I love here.
I have an amazing second home. It is extended family, parents, siblings, in laws, nieces, nephews and all the beauty that comes from those people. They love us at our worst and accept us with all our faults.
I have an amazing third home. Friends who have become family. They are the people who come over when life is hard and text and call when you’re feeling down. They come to baseball games, go camping together, and love us with all our quirkiness.
This Easter I had to think of another home. Church has always been a huge part of my life and my husband’a life. Married to a pastor Easter was a big event with lots of celebration and full of people. This year’s Easter looks different to us. We don’t have that church and my husband doesn’t have to spend hours preparing for it, being there early and staying late. So what do we do this Easter? That has been the question.
I have found myself feeling bitter that we aren’t smack dab in the middle of the Easter celebration. We are displaced and on the outside looking in at whatever church we go. I have found myself sad at not knowing where to go and what to do. I have found myself digging deep. How much of my love for Easter was the “event?” How much of my life for Easter was the true joy of celebrating Jesus rising from the dead? I think in the past I loved them both but now, now I focus on what it truly means.
My home this Easter is taking Good Friday to fully reflect on the magnitude of what Jesus did for us. Fully understanding to the best of my ability those three words, “it is finished.” Taking Saturday to feel the emptiness that must have been felt the day between. And tomorrow celebrating the joy of Jesus rising. What a celebration.
Home at Easter isn’t a church. Home at Easter isn’t a church family. Home at Easter is rejoicing in my heart and praising my Savior for what has been accomplished.
So tomorrow I don’t know where I’ll be. I don’t know who I will be surrounded by. But I know where my home at Easter is. It is with my king. Just like it should be every other day.
Monday, January 14, 2019
"God please help us get to keep a baby girl"
He didn't give up.
"God please help us get to keep a baby girl."
Every night this prayer was spoken by my stubborn soft hearted son. Two babies came and went and still every night, "God please help us to keep a baby girl." Foster care was explained over and over. We aren't here just to keep the babies, sometimes they just need our help for a little while until they can go to their families. We may not get a baby girl. It could be a boy. He could be older. But still, "God please help us get to keep a baby girl." The first baby left.
Then the second baby came. We had her for longer and she became one of us in every way. We explained over and over that she won't be staying with us. The months turned into weeks until it was time for her to leave, the weeks turned into days until she would leave and still every night, "God please help us to keep a baby girl." Did he not understand? She was leaving. She left. Our hearts were beyond sad. He didn't give up. Every night even after that second baby left, "God please help us keep a baby girl.” He didn't give up.
We thought maybe it was time to stop. Maybe this foster world was to much for our children and maybe too much for us. Boy one and three weren't sure, maybe. But this son, "No! I want to keep getting babies."
Baby girl number three came. We were all sad. We were all tired. We didn't dare pray to keep her. We didn't dare get our hopes up, except that one child. Wasn't it kind of nice to have a break between babies I asked him? "No, we are supposed to have a baby in our house." Every night he kept on, "God please help us get a baby girl to keep." The months went on with baby number three. There was family. She was leaving. We got a date. The time came winding down to a week before she would go. Every night we would pray. Then the prayer stopped. No more "God please help us get to keep a baby girl." The first night I thought he forgot, the second night I realized it was intentional, his heart was broken. I wasn't sure my heart could take anymore breaking, but those prayers no longer being spoken was enough to rip my heart into more shreds. He gave up.
That July day came. We couldn't take it, this was different. One son racing out the door after the case worker, "stop!" we called after him. "I have to give her one more kiss!" He came back in and gutteral groans I have never heard came from his young body. How could we keep on? It was different. The prayers stopped. Our world stopped. One hour later we got a call that she was coming back! "It's a miracle!" one son yelled.
Our nightly prayers kept going and through that miracle we once again heard, "God please help us get a baby girl to keep." Every night. He hasn't given up.
Our fight isn't done. There is still a lot to happen but we are on our way to getting that baby girl to keep. She is our miracle but more than that she is his miracle, she is the answered prayer for my wise son. He didn't give up even when I did. And that prayer is still spoken every night. I can't wait until the day that prayer can be stopped because it was answered in the most miraculous way. May I one day have his faith and belief.
"God please help us get to keep a baby girl."
Every night this prayer was spoken by my stubborn soft hearted son. Two babies came and went and still every night, "God please help us to keep a baby girl." Foster care was explained over and over. We aren't here just to keep the babies, sometimes they just need our help for a little while until they can go to their families. We may not get a baby girl. It could be a boy. He could be older. But still, "God please help us get to keep a baby girl." The first baby left.
Then the second baby came. We had her for longer and she became one of us in every way. We explained over and over that she won't be staying with us. The months turned into weeks until it was time for her to leave, the weeks turned into days until she would leave and still every night, "God please help us to keep a baby girl." Did he not understand? She was leaving. She left. Our hearts were beyond sad. He didn't give up. Every night even after that second baby left, "God please help us keep a baby girl.” He didn't give up.
We thought maybe it was time to stop. Maybe this foster world was to much for our children and maybe too much for us. Boy one and three weren't sure, maybe. But this son, "No! I want to keep getting babies."
Baby girl number three came. We were all sad. We were all tired. We didn't dare pray to keep her. We didn't dare get our hopes up, except that one child. Wasn't it kind of nice to have a break between babies I asked him? "No, we are supposed to have a baby in our house." Every night he kept on, "God please help us get a baby girl to keep." The months went on with baby number three. There was family. She was leaving. We got a date. The time came winding down to a week before she would go. Every night we would pray. Then the prayer stopped. No more "God please help us get to keep a baby girl." The first night I thought he forgot, the second night I realized it was intentional, his heart was broken. I wasn't sure my heart could take anymore breaking, but those prayers no longer being spoken was enough to rip my heart into more shreds. He gave up.
That July day came. We couldn't take it, this was different. One son racing out the door after the case worker, "stop!" we called after him. "I have to give her one more kiss!" He came back in and gutteral groans I have never heard came from his young body. How could we keep on? It was different. The prayers stopped. Our world stopped. One hour later we got a call that she was coming back! "It's a miracle!" one son yelled.
Our nightly prayers kept going and through that miracle we once again heard, "God please help us get a baby girl to keep." Every night. He hasn't given up.
Our fight isn't done. There is still a lot to happen but we are on our way to getting that baby girl to keep. She is our miracle but more than that she is his miracle, she is the answered prayer for my wise son. He didn't give up even when I did. And that prayer is still spoken every night. I can't wait until the day that prayer can be stopped because it was answered in the most miraculous way. May I one day have his faith and belief.
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
We All Need Help
Today in my quiet time I was reading in Exodus 17 about when Israel defeated the Amalekites. Moses held the staff of God in his hand and as long as he held the staff up, the Israelites had the advantage, when he dropped his hand the Amalekites had the advantage. When his arms because too tired to hold up the staff Aaron and Hur found a rock for him to sit on and stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. Israel won the battle.
I had to sit and think on this all day. Moses couldn't do this on his own, he knew God was on his side but still he couldn't do this on his own. He needed Aaron and Hur to step in and help. They didn't tell him to be strong and keep going, they didn’t criticize him or question his calling, they didn't try to take the staff out of his hand because he wasn’t doing a good enough job, they held him up.
What if we would step in and do this for each other? What an easier load we would have. What if we let people see the pain that we were going through trying to hold up the staff on our own? How much lighter would our load be?
It's incredibly hard for me to let people in. I can do it in my blog but in person I will be the strong one. I won't ask for help, I will shoulder the load. I think in our culture we take pride in that. We shoulder the load so that we don't appear weak. This isn't how it's meant to be. God wants us to lean on each other, lighten each others loads, and lift each other up. Not trying to take the glory from each other but rejoicing in being able to help someone hold their arms high.
In the past year I have seen my tribe fight for me, hold my arms up when I couldn't do it on my own. I have seen the people who stood by me when others fell away. It has inspired me and challenged me to do better at being that person, being that arm lifter. We all need help!
Exodus 17:12,13 Moses' arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.
I had to sit and think on this all day. Moses couldn't do this on his own, he knew God was on his side but still he couldn't do this on his own. He needed Aaron and Hur to step in and help. They didn't tell him to be strong and keep going, they didn’t criticize him or question his calling, they didn't try to take the staff out of his hand because he wasn’t doing a good enough job, they held him up.
What if we would step in and do this for each other? What an easier load we would have. What if we let people see the pain that we were going through trying to hold up the staff on our own? How much lighter would our load be?
It's incredibly hard for me to let people in. I can do it in my blog but in person I will be the strong one. I won't ask for help, I will shoulder the load. I think in our culture we take pride in that. We shoulder the load so that we don't appear weak. This isn't how it's meant to be. God wants us to lean on each other, lighten each others loads, and lift each other up. Not trying to take the glory from each other but rejoicing in being able to help someone hold their arms high.
In the past year I have seen my tribe fight for me, hold my arms up when I couldn't do it on my own. I have seen the people who stood by me when others fell away. It has inspired me and challenged me to do better at being that person, being that arm lifter. We all need help!
Exodus 17:12,13 Moses' arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Speak
The Devil is a liar. This is something I have always known but have discovered in a new way in the past year. I have started believing the lies again. The lies that I’m not good enough, I need to stay silent, no one wants to hear my thoughts. I have closed them up in that deepest part of my heart that you don’t let people see.
That is why this blog has stayed silent for so long. I didn’t trust myself or God to speak through me anymore. I believed the lies that this outlet was no longer useful to myself or anyone else. That I was no longer useful.. It may not be useful to others, that I can’t control, but it can be an outlet for me.
I don’t do New Years resolutions but I do set goals. My goal this year is to open myself back up to God and open myself up to whatever passions he gives me. I will choose to follow Him and the callings he places on my life no matter what people say. I will be wise with how I speak and the words I say but I will not be afraid to speak the truth. I will trust God over the world.
I heard a sermon this morning on how to control our big fat mouths which is an invaluable lesson I still need to work on but I have also learned that sometimes the words we don’t say are just as harmful. Not only to others but to ourselves and the value we place on what God speaks to and through us. I will open that deep part of my heart again and allow God to use me in whatever way he chooses.
That is why this blog has stayed silent for so long. I didn’t trust myself or God to speak through me anymore. I believed the lies that this outlet was no longer useful to myself or anyone else. That I was no longer useful.. It may not be useful to others, that I can’t control, but it can be an outlet for me.
I don’t do New Years resolutions but I do set goals. My goal this year is to open myself back up to God and open myself up to whatever passions he gives me. I will choose to follow Him and the callings he places on my life no matter what people say. I will be wise with how I speak and the words I say but I will not be afraid to speak the truth. I will trust God over the world.
I heard a sermon this morning on how to control our big fat mouths which is an invaluable lesson I still need to work on but I have also learned that sometimes the words we don’t say are just as harmful. Not only to others but to ourselves and the value we place on what God speaks to and through us. I will open that deep part of my heart again and allow God to use me in whatever way he chooses.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Too Much or Just Right
Recemtly Ann Voskamp has posted a two part blog series that has touched me to my core. The past several weeks have brought so much self contemplation, because of her blog and because of events in my life. God is constantly opening my eyes to show me new things in this world and things in myself.
Through this I end up looking at myself and seeing all the flaws that I know others see in me and trying to figure out how I can change myself. Stop speaking up so much, start speaking up more. Be quiet and live by example, God wants us to use our voice. It is a constant battle on all sides of how people want us to be and not be and wanting to feel loved, wanted, and cared for by people around us. So we conform. We conform to what we think others want of us and we hate who we become. And this is not from God.
for the way you drive your decisions like a stake into the landscape of debates,
Through this I end up looking at myself and seeing all the flaws that I know others see in me and trying to figure out how I can change myself. Stop speaking up so much, start speaking up more. Be quiet and live by example, God wants us to use our voice. It is a constant battle on all sides of how people want us to be and not be and wanting to feel loved, wanted, and cared for by people around us. So we conform. We conform to what we think others want of us and we hate who we become. And this is not from God.
Galatians 1:10 Am I saying this now to win the approval of people or God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.
Philippians 2:3 Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves.
God doesn’t want us to be like others but he does call us to love others. God calls us to live our lives to please him, not to please those around us. God speaks to us, gives us our passions, our personalities (and no, we won’t all have bubbly outgoing personalities🙋♀️). Not saying all of this to say we don’t need to continually strive to grow closer to God and be more loving, compassionate, kind people who show His love to others. But we don’t need to live to please others. If God gives you a passion and a fire we need to act on that, even when it’s hard and scary, maybe especially when it’s hard and scary. At the end of this life will we stand before God and say, “well God I didn’t do what you asked because I was scared of people”, which honestly is super tempting to do. God wants more, deserves more.
Sometimes it seems a tricky line to walk, doing what God calls us to do or say but also love others as we do it even when they don’t approve. It doesn’t need to be so complicated. God calls, we obey, we love others, we stay true to the person God created us to be.
And what if we started seeing others this way? What if I open myself up to learn from those who think differently than me, speak differently than me, and see differently than me? What if I see that they are struggling along to be who God has called them to be and to find confidence in that? What if I gave people the benefit of the doubt? What if we see each other? Really see each other?
Parts of Ann Voskamp blog that spoke to me:
What if you stopped apologizing for being you,
stopped apologizing for the way you laugh only like you do,
for the way you drive your decisions like a stake into the landscape of debates,
for the way you let the thoughts that singularly unfurl in the curling neurones of your brain alone,
find their brave way to the tip of your willing tongue as wholehearted words,
for the way you say only what you can, only how you can, only you can do what you can,
find their brave way to the tip of your willing tongue as wholehearted words,
for the way you say only what you can, only how you can, only you can do what you can,
and all your apologies for being,
and being as you are,
ended right now.
ended right now.
What if:
Repentance for what you have done is profoundly different — than reviling who you are.You aren’t too much — to the people who choose to see all of you.
Shame is a bully and grace is a shield and you are safely protected behind the defense of Him naming you his Beloved.
You aren’t alone. We all come into the world seeking someone who’s seeking us. Because we all just want to be seen.
Feeling like you’re too much and not enough is the same fear: the fear of being loved as you fully are.
And there is no fear, because Perfect Love’s moved in here. You don’t have to become less-you only have to come and let yourself be loved. You aren’t too much; you just feel much, see much, love much.
Because the world has lost much of its heart, the world needs more of us to come with so much of our heart instead of so little. Those who are told they are too much-are those who awakes the world in much needed ways.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Racism....Yes Again
Yes I’m posting on racism again. Too many people seem to think this is not a problem, not in our area, not today. Tell that to my sons who are called brown head continually at school. Tell that to my son who was daily punched in the stomach by a child for being brown. Tell that to my son who was told by a classmate that him and his whole family don’t like brown or black people. Tell that to my son who asked a trusted adult why football players stand during the anthem with raised fists and instead of explaining their fight for racial justice she told him “that’s bad and you can’t do that.” Let me just say that is not the answer I gave him.
Today it’s names and punches. What happens when that child grows up and becomes a manager at a company where my sons want to work or Lord help us a police officer? What happens if my son wants to date his little sister? I am tired. I am tired of the sadness in my sons’ eyes. I am tired of the ignorance. I am tired of people saying racism isn’t a problem anymore. I am tired of people not paying attention because it doesn’t affect them. And I am angry. I am beyond angry that this is still happening.
But I will continue bringing up this topic, discussing this hatred, and fighting for understanding if there’s any chance it will help my children and other children have a better life than those before them. Stand with me. Stand with my sons. Stand for what is right and for all the people that are being hurt by racism. Talk to your children on the beauty of skin color. We are not color blind. Let’s not pretend to be and leave our children in ignorance. Did I mention my sons are 6, 7, and 8. It’s only going to get worse unless we take a stand.
Today it’s names and punches. What happens when that child grows up and becomes a manager at a company where my sons want to work or Lord help us a police officer? What happens if my son wants to date his little sister? I am tired. I am tired of the sadness in my sons’ eyes. I am tired of the ignorance. I am tired of people saying racism isn’t a problem anymore. I am tired of people not paying attention because it doesn’t affect them. And I am angry. I am beyond angry that this is still happening.
But I will continue bringing up this topic, discussing this hatred, and fighting for understanding if there’s any chance it will help my children and other children have a better life than those before them. Stand with me. Stand with my sons. Stand for what is right and for all the people that are being hurt by racism. Talk to your children on the beauty of skin color. We are not color blind. Let’s not pretend to be and leave our children in ignorance. Did I mention my sons are 6, 7, and 8. It’s only going to get worse unless we take a stand.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Be Still
What do you do when you’re life is filled with children for years and then all of a sudden it’s not? What do you do when your three boys are all in school five days a week. What do you do when shortly after the baby you’ve raised for 11 months is gone?
Do you fill your life as full as possible with things that you don’t love to do but they keep you busy? Do you stay at home by yourself as much as possible to mourn the loss of a child who isn’t dead but isn’t here? Do you find a part time job until you get another foster placement just to quit? What do you do? This is what I’ve been wondering the past month and a half.
For so long my life has been filled with children 24/7. Time to myself has been scarce and it’s been cherished but now it’s endless. There are so many things I could do and have been doing to fill my time but they don’t give me joy. Am I being selfish? Should I be doing more? Is it not about joy? What do I do?
I feel like the devil loves to keep us busy. If we are busy we can’t take that time to heal. If we are busy we can’t find time for God. We are proud of our busyness, it’s a badge of honor to us. How are you? Good but really busy. Is busy good? God has been telling me to “be still.” It’s so hard to do. We don’t want to be thought of as lazy, as selfish. But there are times after craziness of life stops that we need to take time to heal and simply be still. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s needed.
Psalm 62:1-2
I find rest in God;
Only he can save me.
He is my rock and my salvation.
He is my defender;
I will not be defeated.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
One year
It's been almost one year since my last blog. I've had so many thoughts run through my mind and so many things I thought to write but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. There's something about seeing my feelings and thoughts typed out that make it so much more real and raw, but it also brings me such healing.
In one year we have had a foster placement and saw her leave which is the hardest thing we've ever done. But we've also had the indescribable joy of still being able to watch her grow through pictures, videos, and visits. We've also had a new joy come into our lives. Our little baby M. She hasn't been the "easy" baby like baby K was but we love her just as much, with all our hearts, and have had her for 6 months now. She will probably be leaving in the next 3-6 months. The thought of her leaving seems just as unfathomable as it did with baby K. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to travel this foster world without giving your heart completely and then getting it completely ripped out when these babies leave. I've decided there's not and I'm not sure there's supposed to be. I keep trying to decide if it's better this second time because I know we can survive the baby leaving or if it's worse because I know the intense pain.
God is still continually teaching me through all of this. My selfish desire tells me "hang on with all your might and don't let go of this child!" God tells me "give her to me, she's not your's or anyone else's, she's mine! I love her more than you will and I will take care of her." What an awesome God we serve. I know God is right. In a conversation with Raph this week I told him I truly don't feel like we should adopt a child that has family that want her and take care of her. We are called to adopt children that don't have families that can or want to take care of them. As hard as it is letting go I know it's right. Seeing baby K with her family proves this to me. They love her so much and she is growing and thriving in that love. Raph agreed and said not only would he never try to take baby K back but he would do anything in his power to help her to stay with her mom. This is how I know this is right and I truly believe the same will be true when baby M leaves.
God wraps these children in His arms long after I'll ever be able to. We do what we are called and we see HIS glory through it all. That's not saying it's so hard it takes our breath away but God gives us back that breath starting with the small joys and they grow until our lungs are full of air again.
In one year we have had a foster placement and saw her leave which is the hardest thing we've ever done. But we've also had the indescribable joy of still being able to watch her grow through pictures, videos, and visits. We've also had a new joy come into our lives. Our little baby M. She hasn't been the "easy" baby like baby K was but we love her just as much, with all our hearts, and have had her for 6 months now. She will probably be leaving in the next 3-6 months. The thought of her leaving seems just as unfathomable as it did with baby K. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to travel this foster world without giving your heart completely and then getting it completely ripped out when these babies leave. I've decided there's not and I'm not sure there's supposed to be. I keep trying to decide if it's better this second time because I know we can survive the baby leaving or if it's worse because I know the intense pain.
God is still continually teaching me through all of this. My selfish desire tells me "hang on with all your might and don't let go of this child!" God tells me "give her to me, she's not your's or anyone else's, she's mine! I love her more than you will and I will take care of her." What an awesome God we serve. I know God is right. In a conversation with Raph this week I told him I truly don't feel like we should adopt a child that has family that want her and take care of her. We are called to adopt children that don't have families that can or want to take care of them. As hard as it is letting go I know it's right. Seeing baby K with her family proves this to me. They love her so much and she is growing and thriving in that love. Raph agreed and said not only would he never try to take baby K back but he would do anything in his power to help her to stay with her mom. This is how I know this is right and I truly believe the same will be true when baby M leaves.
God wraps these children in His arms long after I'll ever be able to. We do what we are called and we see HIS glory through it all. That's not saying it's so hard it takes our breath away but God gives us back that breath starting with the small joys and they grow until our lungs are full of air again.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Learning to Trust Again-Baby K
Our little home has been blessed with a tiny foster baby and wow has it changed our lives. My three little men are absolutely in love and my adult man is even more in love. She has rocked our world and I don't see the rocking stopping anytime soon. We knew going into this placement it would probably be a short placement. I had no idea how hard that would be.
Going into fostering they drill into you that reunification is almost always the goal. With this placement they told us we would probably only have her for a month. I thought that would be ok, I knew I would be attached but that's what we're here for. The first few days I held it together. By day three I was crying out to my husband that "I want her!" He looked at me with his amused eyes and said "you're finally admitting it." It's hard falling in love with a child while waiting for a call saying tomorrow we will be picking her up, because that's all the warning we get. It's hard getting up in the middle of the night gazing down into big chocolate eyes knowing this may be the last night. I've tried so hard to live in the moment but man, it's hard!
Usually the first reaction from people when they see her is "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give her up." I smile and nod and make a polite reply when inside I'm screaming I can't! I can't do it either! I have cried out to God begging for him not to make me give her up. But something holds me back from asking Him to let us keep her. I don't know if it's seeing the mom gazing down into her innocent face completely in love after not seeing her for a week. Maybe it's the grandma's sobs as she hears her little squeaks while not having a glimpse of her yet. Maybe it's having met another family out there just as in love with her and desperately wanting her back and wondering if maybe they are better for her than us.
It's been hard but this has also taught me so much. It's taught me how amazing my sons and husband are. They aren't holding anything back even knowing she isn't ours forever. They've made her a part of our family without a second thought. Hearing the little men pray that if we can't keep her please bring us another little girl. I can't do that yet. It breaks my heart every time because I don't want another little girl, I want this one. But they are so accepting of this life and give it to God while I desperately try to do the same.
I've learned to soak up every second, not only with baby but with the boys. They are growing so fast too and seeing her change so quickly makes me realize how quickly they've changed and I don't want to miss a second. Learning to leave the weeds in the flower beds, leave the dirt on the floor, and just breathe in the sweetness that is this baby, these boys, and this beautiful life God has given me.
The thing that I'm most grateful for is knowing I'm where God wants me. I had been feeling so discontent and that I should be doing more. People suggested things and I'd consider it but nothing seemed right and I just couldn't take that step. Meanwhile the discontent stayed. There is no more discontentment. I know this is what God wants me to do and as hard as it is there is such a peace and joy in that. I'm so grateful for every second we have with baby K and am trying so hard to focus on that and not the upcoming good-bye. I can't do it. I can't say good-bye. But with God's help I will.
Going into fostering they drill into you that reunification is almost always the goal. With this placement they told us we would probably only have her for a month. I thought that would be ok, I knew I would be attached but that's what we're here for. The first few days I held it together. By day three I was crying out to my husband that "I want her!" He looked at me with his amused eyes and said "you're finally admitting it." It's hard falling in love with a child while waiting for a call saying tomorrow we will be picking her up, because that's all the warning we get. It's hard getting up in the middle of the night gazing down into big chocolate eyes knowing this may be the last night. I've tried so hard to live in the moment but man, it's hard!
Usually the first reaction from people when they see her is "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give her up." I smile and nod and make a polite reply when inside I'm screaming I can't! I can't do it either! I have cried out to God begging for him not to make me give her up. But something holds me back from asking Him to let us keep her. I don't know if it's seeing the mom gazing down into her innocent face completely in love after not seeing her for a week. Maybe it's the grandma's sobs as she hears her little squeaks while not having a glimpse of her yet. Maybe it's having met another family out there just as in love with her and desperately wanting her back and wondering if maybe they are better for her than us.
It's been hard but this has also taught me so much. It's taught me how amazing my sons and husband are. They aren't holding anything back even knowing she isn't ours forever. They've made her a part of our family without a second thought. Hearing the little men pray that if we can't keep her please bring us another little girl. I can't do that yet. It breaks my heart every time because I don't want another little girl, I want this one. But they are so accepting of this life and give it to God while I desperately try to do the same.
I've learned to soak up every second, not only with baby but with the boys. They are growing so fast too and seeing her change so quickly makes me realize how quickly they've changed and I don't want to miss a second. Learning to leave the weeds in the flower beds, leave the dirt on the floor, and just breathe in the sweetness that is this baby, these boys, and this beautiful life God has given me.
The thing that I'm most grateful for is knowing I'm where God wants me. I had been feeling so discontent and that I should be doing more. People suggested things and I'd consider it but nothing seemed right and I just couldn't take that step. Meanwhile the discontent stayed. There is no more discontentment. I know this is what God wants me to do and as hard as it is there is such a peace and joy in that. I'm so grateful for every second we have with baby K and am trying so hard to focus on that and not the upcoming good-bye. I can't do it. I can't say good-bye. But with God's help I will.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Time Moves On
It's been a long time since I've blogged and this one is for me more than anything. I want to mark the changes and growths I've seen in the boys to look back on. It's amazing how quickly time moves on. It's amazing how much easier life is now than it was even a year ago. The boys have grown so much.
Simon is in the stage of life where he is growing into a boy, no longer any baby left. He loves school and I'm amazed at how quickly he learns and how eager he is to learn. He has turned into such a sweet boy and genuinely loves people. Just the other day he was telling me about a little boy on his bus that has a mommy but no daddy and that made him sad for him. He said he likes kids that don't have moms and dads and wants to be friends with them. His heart! It inspires me.
Liam is still our wild child. His signature scratch marks are on his brothers' cheeks quite frequently. I have learned that I can't expect him to pick up on things the same as his older brother. Such a simple common sense thought but one it took me a long time to get to. Simon hears everything that goes on in the room, which is frustrating on it's own but Liam can tune everything out. I was getting so frustrated because I would talk to him and thought he was purposely disobeying and I've finally realized he actually doesn't hear unless I get his attention, have him look in my face, and speak directly to him. He loves being around people but is definitely the introvert that needs his alone time and enjoys being at home. They are very different boys and I have to learn to see them each for the child of God they are. He is still so sweet at moments. He will randomly come and ask if I want a hug or tell me he wants to cuddle. He will be the heartbreaker.
Frankie is still the funny child. Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and laughing at his antics. He loves to bring his face two inches from mine when he's talking to me and would be held all day if possible. He gets very easily offended when we tell him no and will hang his head and march back to his room or sit and refuse to look at anyone. It really is the cutest thing. Frankie loves people and is constantly asking where we are going today. He still has an obsession with food and I blame that on a growth spurt right now.
I adore my little family and am so excited to see where God will bring us in the next years to come. It is a joy seeing kids grow up and though I am sad at times that the boys' are all no longer "babies" I am also loving this stage of life when they are a little more independent and life is a little easier.
Simon is in the stage of life where he is growing into a boy, no longer any baby left. He loves school and I'm amazed at how quickly he learns and how eager he is to learn. He has turned into such a sweet boy and genuinely loves people. Just the other day he was telling me about a little boy on his bus that has a mommy but no daddy and that made him sad for him. He said he likes kids that don't have moms and dads and wants to be friends with them. His heart! It inspires me.
Liam is still our wild child. His signature scratch marks are on his brothers' cheeks quite frequently. I have learned that I can't expect him to pick up on things the same as his older brother. Such a simple common sense thought but one it took me a long time to get to. Simon hears everything that goes on in the room, which is frustrating on it's own but Liam can tune everything out. I was getting so frustrated because I would talk to him and thought he was purposely disobeying and I've finally realized he actually doesn't hear unless I get his attention, have him look in my face, and speak directly to him. He loves being around people but is definitely the introvert that needs his alone time and enjoys being at home. They are very different boys and I have to learn to see them each for the child of God they are. He is still so sweet at moments. He will randomly come and ask if I want a hug or tell me he wants to cuddle. He will be the heartbreaker.
Frankie is still the funny child. Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and laughing at his antics. He loves to bring his face two inches from mine when he's talking to me and would be held all day if possible. He gets very easily offended when we tell him no and will hang his head and march back to his room or sit and refuse to look at anyone. It really is the cutest thing. Frankie loves people and is constantly asking where we are going today. He still has an obsession with food and I blame that on a growth spurt right now.
I adore my little family and am so excited to see where God will bring us in the next years to come. It is a joy seeing kids grow up and though I am sad at times that the boys' are all no longer "babies" I am also loving this stage of life when they are a little more independent and life is a little easier.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Forever
Forever: without ever ending; eternally
Last Monday was a special day. Our three little men became officially ours, forever. The joy of that moment is something I will remember all of my days. Through this whole journey called fostering there have been days I thought our adoption day would never come. These three boys have been "mine" since the day they stepped into our lives. Their personalities fit so well into our lives that it amazes me.
Receiving the official paperwork stating that our kids are OURS is another life moment I will never forget. That just happened today. For as special as the actual court day was and already knowing they're ours, seeing it on paper is still beyond thrilling. Never take your children for granted. Living a year and a half with the fear of having my children taken has forever changed me and looking back I am now grateful for how God has changed my heart. He has shown me grace when I don't deserve it, taught me patience when I didn't want to learn it, and shown me that He has so much more for me than I ever dreamed. I can mark this down as another miracle God has granted us.
James 1:2-8
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, 3 because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. 4 Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. 5 But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. 6 But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. 7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord
Those verses have been my life motto the past year. It has opened parts of my heart that I had closed, brought back hope that I thought was lost, and helped me to hold on to God when I couldn't feel Him anymore. Don't be afraid to dream big and pray for miracles. God is still performing miracles today. I'm not done praying and trusting.
Officially introducing Simon, Liam, and Franklin. Our miracles.
Last Monday was a special day. Our three little men became officially ours, forever. The joy of that moment is something I will remember all of my days. Through this whole journey called fostering there have been days I thought our adoption day would never come. These three boys have been "mine" since the day they stepped into our lives. Their personalities fit so well into our lives that it amazes me.
Receiving the official paperwork stating that our kids are OURS is another life moment I will never forget. That just happened today. For as special as the actual court day was and already knowing they're ours, seeing it on paper is still beyond thrilling. Never take your children for granted. Living a year and a half with the fear of having my children taken has forever changed me and looking back I am now grateful for how God has changed my heart. He has shown me grace when I don't deserve it, taught me patience when I didn't want to learn it, and shown me that He has so much more for me than I ever dreamed. I can mark this down as another miracle God has granted us.
James 1:2-8
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, 3 because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. 4 Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. 5 But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. 6 But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. 7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord
Those verses have been my life motto the past year. It has opened parts of my heart that I had closed, brought back hope that I thought was lost, and helped me to hold on to God when I couldn't feel Him anymore. Don't be afraid to dream big and pray for miracles. God is still performing miracles today. I'm not done praying and trusting.
Officially introducing Simon, Liam, and Franklin. Our miracles.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
A Father
What is a father? Too many men seem to think donating sperm is what makes you a father. It doesn't. Blood has nothing to do with it. Heart does.
This blog is a bragging session on the man that is the father to my children so prepare yourself. My husband is a special kind of man. He didn't feel called to foster right away but his wife did so we did it. He wanted one child at a time but his wife wanted two so we signed on for two. We got three. Did he do this because I "wear the pants?" No, he did it because he loves me and trusts my calling from God.
I remember having a fear that when the going got tough with our three little men my husband would look at me and say, "you made me do it." The going has been rough many times and I have never heard anything even close to that out of my husband's mouth. In the early days he looked at me with tears in his eyes wondering if he could do it. God knew he could. How I worry for nothing. Our boys are his sons. He will fight for them with all he has. This I know.
My husband is a true "father to the fatherless" and thanks to him and our heavenly Father they are fatherless no more. He loves our boys with a reckless abandon that melts my heart into a puddle. He wrestles with them, tickles them, plays sports with them, tells them Bible stories, prays with them, and their favorite thing is he plays the guitar for them and sings to them. The list could go on and on. He is a special man with a bigger heart than anyone I have met. Our boys adore their father and so do I. The joy I see in their interaction is a beautiful thing. He challenges me to be a better parent.
To all the fathers out there that are this kind of father to their children....a job well done!
This blog is a bragging session on the man that is the father to my children so prepare yourself. My husband is a special kind of man. He didn't feel called to foster right away but his wife did so we did it. He wanted one child at a time but his wife wanted two so we signed on for two. We got three. Did he do this because I "wear the pants?" No, he did it because he loves me and trusts my calling from God.
I remember having a fear that when the going got tough with our three little men my husband would look at me and say, "you made me do it." The going has been rough many times and I have never heard anything even close to that out of my husband's mouth. In the early days he looked at me with tears in his eyes wondering if he could do it. God knew he could. How I worry for nothing. Our boys are his sons. He will fight for them with all he has. This I know.
My husband is a true "father to the fatherless" and thanks to him and our heavenly Father they are fatherless no more. He loves our boys with a reckless abandon that melts my heart into a puddle. He wrestles with them, tickles them, plays sports with them, tells them Bible stories, prays with them, and their favorite thing is he plays the guitar for them and sings to them. The list could go on and on. He is a special man with a bigger heart than anyone I have met. Our boys adore their father and so do I. The joy I see in their interaction is a beautiful thing. He challenges me to be a better parent.
To all the fathers out there that are this kind of father to their children....a job well done!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Wrecked Mother's Day
Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day of celebration. I have been incredibly blessed to have an amazing mom and mother-in-law in my life that show a true example of what it means to be an amazing mom. I have sisters, sisters-in-law, and friends that challenge me to be a better mother by the example they show me.
Yesterday I had a different mother on my mind. The birth mother of my beautiful children. Throughout the day she kept popping up in my head and I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. Was she missing the children she gave birth to? I'm sure she was. Was she angry, sad, happy with the life she has? My heart ached for her and I also felt a sense of loss for my boys. This year they are too young to think of their birth mother but I'm sure some day they will wonder the same things I wondered. My heart aches for them. I pray they will have a peace and will be grateful for the woman that gave birth to them and most of all will feel the presence of God in their lives.
Yesterday my sister received a beautiful voicemail from her daughter's birth mother wishing her a happy Mother's Day through tears. My boys and I will never have that gift. I wish they could have that gift. I feel a sense of loss for that. I truly know that God knows our hearts and feels that loss right with me and will feel it with my boys as well.
Wrecked. That is the one word that kept coming to my mind yesterday. I am wrecked of ever having a "normal" Mother's Day. But I'm ok with that. God teaches me things through my wrecked days. Yesterday God gave me a compassion for a woman that I have no connection with except that she gave birth to my boys. I am grateful for that compassion that God has given me because it has replaced the anger I have felt towards her at times. I am grateful for Mother's Day and that I can not only have gratitude for my mother but also for a mother far away that through her loss has given me one my greatest gifts, the ability to be a mother.
Yesterday I had a different mother on my mind. The birth mother of my beautiful children. Throughout the day she kept popping up in my head and I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. Was she missing the children she gave birth to? I'm sure she was. Was she angry, sad, happy with the life she has? My heart ached for her and I also felt a sense of loss for my boys. This year they are too young to think of their birth mother but I'm sure some day they will wonder the same things I wondered. My heart aches for them. I pray they will have a peace and will be grateful for the woman that gave birth to them and most of all will feel the presence of God in their lives.
Yesterday my sister received a beautiful voicemail from her daughter's birth mother wishing her a happy Mother's Day through tears. My boys and I will never have that gift. I wish they could have that gift. I feel a sense of loss for that. I truly know that God knows our hearts and feels that loss right with me and will feel it with my boys as well.
Wrecked. That is the one word that kept coming to my mind yesterday. I am wrecked of ever having a "normal" Mother's Day. But I'm ok with that. God teaches me things through my wrecked days. Yesterday God gave me a compassion for a woman that I have no connection with except that she gave birth to my boys. I am grateful for that compassion that God has given me because it has replaced the anger I have felt towards her at times. I am grateful for Mother's Day and that I can not only have gratitude for my mother but also for a mother far away that through her loss has given me one my greatest gifts, the ability to be a mother.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Trust and Answered Prayers
There have been three large things that I've prayed for over a long stretch of time, years even. Those three things have been for children and the past year it has changed to asking for these three specific boys to be ours and the adoption to be finalized soon. The second thing has been for a ministry job for Raph. He has felt God's calling on his life to ministry for quite awhile now and I've been praying that God would open the door and show us where Raph belongs. The third thing has been for our finances. We have struggled financially for a large part of our marriage and I have been praying that God would give us financial favor.
These three things are being answered. It is amazing after years of the same prayers and feeling like giving up, seeing the outcome on the other side. No the adoption is not finalized yet but we are getting closer. Raph has been given a part time youth ministry job at our church which is a dream come true. And our finances are finally getting under control. What a blessing all three of these things have been.
I was thinking on all of this after Raph got the job and how amazing it feels to have prayers answered. My guard started going up. I was praying and I asked "God when is the bottom going to drop out again?" I felt like things were going too good and something had to go wrong soon because God doesn't want us to have the easy life. I felt God speaking to me..."Trust!" I instantly felt rebuked. I knew how the disciples felt on the boat when they woke Jesus up during the storm and He said to them “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
God isn't some thing up in the sky waiting to bring destruction on us.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
There are so many verses on trusting God that I forget. He wants good things for us and I need to remember to rely on that. I am grateful for a God that pulls me through the hard times and reminds me in the good times not to be afraid of what may happen but to rely on him and lean on his goodness.
These three things are being answered. It is amazing after years of the same prayers and feeling like giving up, seeing the outcome on the other side. No the adoption is not finalized yet but we are getting closer. Raph has been given a part time youth ministry job at our church which is a dream come true. And our finances are finally getting under control. What a blessing all three of these things have been.
I was thinking on all of this after Raph got the job and how amazing it feels to have prayers answered. My guard started going up. I was praying and I asked "God when is the bottom going to drop out again?" I felt like things were going too good and something had to go wrong soon because God doesn't want us to have the easy life. I felt God speaking to me..."Trust!" I instantly felt rebuked. I knew how the disciples felt on the boat when they woke Jesus up during the storm and He said to them “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
God isn't some thing up in the sky waiting to bring destruction on us.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
There are so many verses on trusting God that I forget. He wants good things for us and I need to remember to rely on that. I am grateful for a God that pulls me through the hard times and reminds me in the good times not to be afraid of what may happen but to rely on him and lean on his goodness.
Monday, March 24, 2014
The "W" Word: Welfare
Beware of angry rant coming full steam ahead.
Welfare=lazy people that don't want to work so they take our tax paying money to get benefits so they can continue to stay at home and do nothing. We should do away with it and if you are too lazy to work than you shouldn't eat or you need to get off of drugs and get a job. True or false?
Let me just say if I hear that sentiment one more time I may scream. Yes I know there are people that take advantage of the system. We have all heard of the people in line at the grocery store using food stamps while they are holding their iphone. Honestly, I really don't care.
There are people that are starving in this country. They need help. No the government shouldn't be the ones taking care of these people, the church should. Is the church? Many people of the church are but most are not. Most of the people that are complaining about welfare are people in the church. So there is the answer. If we won't feed the starving someone else needs to and that someone right now is the government. I for one am glad that I'm not the person that makes the decision on who gets to eat and who doesn't.
Sorry child your daddy doesn't have a job so today you don't need to eat. Does this sound right? There are thousands of kids starving in this country. When I went to South Dakota on a mission trip to a reservation we fed a group of kids lunch and the five year old girl I was helping hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. My own children didn't get enough food to eat when they were younger. Their are teenagers in the foster system that still deal with food issues because they went hungry as children. This breaks my heart so much more than the thought of my tax money going to feed the "lazy people."
There are people that can't find a job and are desperate to feed their families. There are people dealing with addictions that I can't imagine facing. Where do we draw the line on who gets to eat? Sorry you are addicted to drugs and can't hold down a job so you don't get to eat. Why do we need to be the ones to judge? Why can't we have compassion instead of looking down our noses at those less fortunate than us. Why can't we be the ones feeding these people? Personally I would rather have two thousand people take advantage of the system than one person be starving.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
Welfare=lazy people that don't want to work so they take our tax paying money to get benefits so they can continue to stay at home and do nothing. We should do away with it and if you are too lazy to work than you shouldn't eat or you need to get off of drugs and get a job. True or false?
Let me just say if I hear that sentiment one more time I may scream. Yes I know there are people that take advantage of the system. We have all heard of the people in line at the grocery store using food stamps while they are holding their iphone. Honestly, I really don't care.
There are people that are starving in this country. They need help. No the government shouldn't be the ones taking care of these people, the church should. Is the church? Many people of the church are but most are not. Most of the people that are complaining about welfare are people in the church. So there is the answer. If we won't feed the starving someone else needs to and that someone right now is the government. I for one am glad that I'm not the person that makes the decision on who gets to eat and who doesn't.
Sorry child your daddy doesn't have a job so today you don't need to eat. Does this sound right? There are thousands of kids starving in this country. When I went to South Dakota on a mission trip to a reservation we fed a group of kids lunch and the five year old girl I was helping hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. My own children didn't get enough food to eat when they were younger. Their are teenagers in the foster system that still deal with food issues because they went hungry as children. This breaks my heart so much more than the thought of my tax money going to feed the "lazy people."
There are people that can't find a job and are desperate to feed their families. There are people dealing with addictions that I can't imagine facing. Where do we draw the line on who gets to eat? Sorry you are addicted to drugs and can't hold down a job so you don't get to eat. Why do we need to be the ones to judge? Why can't we have compassion instead of looking down our noses at those less fortunate than us. Why can't we be the ones feeding these people? Personally I would rather have two thousand people take advantage of the system than one person be starving.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
My Mother's Rocking Chair
For those of you that don't know my mom I just have to tell you she is one amazing woman. I didn't always appreciate my mom especially during those fun teenage years. But I've grown to appreciate her so much over the past years and since we got the boys I appreciate her even more. If I need to vent during the day I call my mom. If I have a question about the boys I call my mom. If I have a question on cooking I call my mom. If I need a listening ear I call my mom. She watches the boys for me so often. I often feel like our relationship is all me taking and her giving and after my husband she is the one I lean on. I was sick yesterday and today and on days like today I appreciate her even more. She came out to my house and watched the boys so I could rest, nap, bathe, and she left us with a big pot of noodles on the stove. She is amazing. And let me tell you, my boys love my mom just as much as me.
One of the things my mom gave me after we first got the boys was one of her rocking chairs. I had been keeping an eye out for a cheap one but a nice cheap rocking chair is hard to find and money was tight. So my mom brought me one of hers. I have memories of being a child and having my mom rock me. I love those memories and they were memories I wanted to pass on to the foster children we received.
This week has been a rough week with our oldest one. His constant lying, blatant disobedience, and outright attitude towards me made my grace tank pretty empty as the end of the week was coming up. Tonight was no different and I sent him to bed early as the younger two stayed up to watch one more show. After I put him to bed I felt my heart start to soften a little as I left his room.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
Back I went to the youngest room and pulled that faithful rocking chair over. "You want me to rock you for awhile?" I asked him and he jumped right over. As I was rocking him and singing to him I felt him melt against me and my heart just melted. I had to think back to being rocked by my mom. I'm sure there was many many times that my mom rocked me and I have no memories of it. How many times had he been rocked before he came into our home? How many times had he been sung to? He can never get enough cuddles and hugs and I have to wonder how many cuddles and hugs he has received. I know it isn't nearly as many as I had by the time I was his age and it breaks my heart to picture him a lonely baby not getting the rocking and cuddling he needed.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
As I rocked him I was amazed at how much he has grown in the short year we have had him. He is growing out of the toddler stage into the boy stage and it's harder and harder for me to hold him and rock him. I told him a long time ago that even when he is too big for me to pick up and carry around he will always have my lap to sit in. That has stuck with him and he often brings it up. Tonight I made myself a promise that I will rock him more often and will have more grace than I ever thought I could. God has sure shown me more grace than I deserve and this sweet boy deserves it more than me. I want him to feel the love I felt in my mother's rocking chair.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
One of the things my mom gave me after we first got the boys was one of her rocking chairs. I had been keeping an eye out for a cheap one but a nice cheap rocking chair is hard to find and money was tight. So my mom brought me one of hers. I have memories of being a child and having my mom rock me. I love those memories and they were memories I wanted to pass on to the foster children we received.
This week has been a rough week with our oldest one. His constant lying, blatant disobedience, and outright attitude towards me made my grace tank pretty empty as the end of the week was coming up. Tonight was no different and I sent him to bed early as the younger two stayed up to watch one more show. After I put him to bed I felt my heart start to soften a little as I left his room.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
Back I went to the youngest room and pulled that faithful rocking chair over. "You want me to rock you for awhile?" I asked him and he jumped right over. As I was rocking him and singing to him I felt him melt against me and my heart just melted. I had to think back to being rocked by my mom. I'm sure there was many many times that my mom rocked me and I have no memories of it. How many times had he been rocked before he came into our home? How many times had he been sung to? He can never get enough cuddles and hugs and I have to wonder how many cuddles and hugs he has received. I know it isn't nearly as many as I had by the time I was his age and it breaks my heart to picture him a lonely baby not getting the rocking and cuddling he needed.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
As I rocked him I was amazed at how much he has grown in the short year we have had him. He is growing out of the toddler stage into the boy stage and it's harder and harder for me to hold him and rock him. I told him a long time ago that even when he is too big for me to pick up and carry around he will always have my lap to sit in. That has stuck with him and he often brings it up. Tonight I made myself a promise that I will rock him more often and will have more grace than I ever thought I could. God has sure shown me more grace than I deserve and this sweet boy deserves it more than me. I want him to feel the love I felt in my mother's rocking chair.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Birthdays And Reflections
Tomorrow is my birthday and my mind had to float back to a year ago. One year ago on my birthday my husband took off of work and took me down to Columbus. We were still childless and I didn't have a job and I would cry so so many times willing that phone call to come saying we were getting children. So the trip to Columbus was a much needed break from all that time spent at home by myself waiting. Was it really only a year ago that those feelings were there?
Two days later we received the call. Asking us to take three little boys. We said yes! One day later that terrifyingly exciting day came when three gorgeous curly haired boys came into our home. I will never as long as I live forget the looks on their faces. Our now four year old Simon sitting on the couch taking peeks at us but not making eye contact. We could always tell he was wise beyond his years. Our now three year old Liam was the first to jump down and play and seemed so oblivious to what was going on. He was full of life from the start. Our now two year old Frankie sat there with tears in his eyes or crying the whole time. With chubs beyond compare and a double ear infection I just wanted to squish him and tell him it would all be ok.
How life has changed in the past year. The last few weeks I feel like Satan is really attacking me and I cry out to God every day to stop that attack. My patience with the boys is at an all time low. Frankie is teething and has become the bully to the other two and is not sleeping well. Yes our youngest can beat up the other two. Liam hates doing what he is told and if we tell him no, he has to do it at least one more time. Simon still doesn't trust us and lies and gives attitude like I've never seen. All of this has pushed me to my edge too many times. I snap and I fuss and I go to my room to calm myself and pray and cry and two seconds later the cycle repeats itself. So many days I feel like I live for bedtime so I can breathe. I am constantly exhausted.
I don't say this out of pity and I hope you don't judge me for it but because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. My thoughts today are this. Don't give up! My devotional this morning was on how patient Satan is. Whenever I think of Satan patience is not a characteristic that comes to mind but he is patient. He sits and waits for the perfect opportunity to drop those thoughts on us. "I can't do this anymore." "I'm a horrible mother!" "My prayers are falling on deaf ears so I might as well stop." I'm here to stand up and say "GET OUT SATAN, there is no room for you here!!!"
I can do this. God will get me through it and He is so much more powerful than Satan. He will give me patience and grace. He will give my sons protection and love. He will get us through this. I claim joy not discouragement. Better days will come and until then I will press on and fight the good fight (and look forward to naptime and bedtime). So if you see me being a grump and ready to kill someone, give me a kick in the butt and tell me to snap out of it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Once again my amazing husband is taking off of work and taking me to Columbus. This time my mom (who IS wonder woman by the way) will be here with my three boys. I am so looking forward to the break and please snow stay away! But I will also look forward to coming home to the blessings God has poured on me in the shape of three curly haired little boys that are full of life, spunk, and love. I told Simon today that tomorrow is my birthday and daddy was going to take me away for the day. He was so sad because he wanted to spend my birthday with me too. I am blessed to have family that gives me breaks, to have a husband that supports me through everything. I will never forget a few days after we got the boys and I was still in the excited stage and he was beyond overwhelmed. My husband looked at me sadly and said "I don't think I can do this." Now a year later he is the best father I have ever seen. The boys adore him and he adores them and now he doesn't know what he would do without them either. The past year has been good. I can't wait to see what the next year holds.
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love. Psalms 5:11-12
Two days later we received the call. Asking us to take three little boys. We said yes! One day later that terrifyingly exciting day came when three gorgeous curly haired boys came into our home. I will never as long as I live forget the looks on their faces. Our now four year old Simon sitting on the couch taking peeks at us but not making eye contact. We could always tell he was wise beyond his years. Our now three year old Liam was the first to jump down and play and seemed so oblivious to what was going on. He was full of life from the start. Our now two year old Frankie sat there with tears in his eyes or crying the whole time. With chubs beyond compare and a double ear infection I just wanted to squish him and tell him it would all be ok.
How life has changed in the past year. The last few weeks I feel like Satan is really attacking me and I cry out to God every day to stop that attack. My patience with the boys is at an all time low. Frankie is teething and has become the bully to the other two and is not sleeping well. Yes our youngest can beat up the other two. Liam hates doing what he is told and if we tell him no, he has to do it at least one more time. Simon still doesn't trust us and lies and gives attitude like I've never seen. All of this has pushed me to my edge too many times. I snap and I fuss and I go to my room to calm myself and pray and cry and two seconds later the cycle repeats itself. So many days I feel like I live for bedtime so I can breathe. I am constantly exhausted.
I don't say this out of pity and I hope you don't judge me for it but because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. My thoughts today are this. Don't give up! My devotional this morning was on how patient Satan is. Whenever I think of Satan patience is not a characteristic that comes to mind but he is patient. He sits and waits for the perfect opportunity to drop those thoughts on us. "I can't do this anymore." "I'm a horrible mother!" "My prayers are falling on deaf ears so I might as well stop." I'm here to stand up and say "GET OUT SATAN, there is no room for you here!!!"
I can do this. God will get me through it and He is so much more powerful than Satan. He will give me patience and grace. He will give my sons protection and love. He will get us through this. I claim joy not discouragement. Better days will come and until then I will press on and fight the good fight (and look forward to naptime and bedtime). So if you see me being a grump and ready to kill someone, give me a kick in the butt and tell me to snap out of it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Once again my amazing husband is taking off of work and taking me to Columbus. This time my mom (who IS wonder woman by the way) will be here with my three boys. I am so looking forward to the break and please snow stay away! But I will also look forward to coming home to the blessings God has poured on me in the shape of three curly haired little boys that are full of life, spunk, and love. I told Simon today that tomorrow is my birthday and daddy was going to take me away for the day. He was so sad because he wanted to spend my birthday with me too. I am blessed to have family that gives me breaks, to have a husband that supports me through everything. I will never forget a few days after we got the boys and I was still in the excited stage and he was beyond overwhelmed. My husband looked at me sadly and said "I don't think I can do this." Now a year later he is the best father I have ever seen. The boys adore him and he adores them and now he doesn't know what he would do without them either. The past year has been good. I can't wait to see what the next year holds.
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love. Psalms 5:11-12
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Racism in Holmes County
This is a post I didn't want to write. A post I had to prayerfully consider and decide if I really wanted to put this out there but I couldn't get it out of my head. A subject that makes me sick to my stomach and so so angry. I had to pray for God to help me reign in my anger and do this in love. I will do my best to do just that.
Racism is something that I've always had a huge problem with. I've seen it so many times, heard so many jokes, and stupidly enough I thought our society was getting past this. It's hasn't and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will. I've never been one to sit quietly while people make racist jokes but now that I have non-Caucasian children the hairs on my neck stand even higher when this nasty talk comes out. If you want to see this mama bear standing at full attention racist talk is the way to do it.
Someone has made racist remarks to my husband and shortly after he showed them a picture of our children. Did that stop it? No! He had to again call them out on the racism. When I was getting ready to go down to Jamaica someone warned me to be careful because the people down there are really dark. Wow! There have been children on a playground who won't play with my African American niece because of the color of her skin. Where does this come from? The parents? If I had a dollar every time I heard someone saying immigrants should go back to their own country I think I'd be rich. Money problems? Over! Recently a very well respected Christian in our community retold a racist joke about Michelle Obama. Everyone laughed but one man in the room. This has sickened me to the very pit of my stomach and makes my eyes well up with tears? When will it stop? Racism is way too common! I know the Obamas are very hated in our area but that does not make racist comments ok. As Christians should we not set a better example than that?
This is my challenge....the next time someone makes a racist joke, comment, or remark in front of you stand up and say something. Speak out against this. It may be awkward, it may be scary, but something needs to be done. Sometimes a small thing like not laughing can make a difference. I do not want my children, my nieces, nephews, and any child to grow up in an area where racism is accepted. I know racism is everywhere but we can make a difference.
Edmund Burke — 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.'
Racism is something that I've always had a huge problem with. I've seen it so many times, heard so many jokes, and stupidly enough I thought our society was getting past this. It's hasn't and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will. I've never been one to sit quietly while people make racist jokes but now that I have non-Caucasian children the hairs on my neck stand even higher when this nasty talk comes out. If you want to see this mama bear standing at full attention racist talk is the way to do it.
Someone has made racist remarks to my husband and shortly after he showed them a picture of our children. Did that stop it? No! He had to again call them out on the racism. When I was getting ready to go down to Jamaica someone warned me to be careful because the people down there are really dark. Wow! There have been children on a playground who won't play with my African American niece because of the color of her skin. Where does this come from? The parents? If I had a dollar every time I heard someone saying immigrants should go back to their own country I think I'd be rich. Money problems? Over! Recently a very well respected Christian in our community retold a racist joke about Michelle Obama. Everyone laughed but one man in the room. This has sickened me to the very pit of my stomach and makes my eyes well up with tears? When will it stop? Racism is way too common! I know the Obamas are very hated in our area but that does not make racist comments ok. As Christians should we not set a better example than that?
This is my challenge....the next time someone makes a racist joke, comment, or remark in front of you stand up and say something. Speak out against this. It may be awkward, it may be scary, but something needs to be done. Sometimes a small thing like not laughing can make a difference. I do not want my children, my nieces, nephews, and any child to grow up in an area where racism is accepted. I know racism is everywhere but we can make a difference.
Edmund Burke — 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.'
Friday, January 3, 2014
Honesty, Openness. and Keeping Silent
Tonight I've been thinking a lot about honesty. The talk of honesty has come up today in three separate conversations with three different groups of people so I figured God must be trying to tell me something. There's so many levels of honesty that it's hard for me to wrap my head around it all so I will try to clear my thoughts.
The one conversation I had was on the front we put up. I know I've shared on this before but it is something I think about a lot. Where is that line between oversharing and helping? There is so much to this. Some things we don't need to hear. I don't need to hear that my child is hard to deal with (shockingly enough I know this), I don't need to hear you don't want my life (no worries, I don't want yours because I love my own), I don't need to hear that we're going to need a bigger house (I live in it). I remember a woman that I dealt with growing up that felt the need to tell everyone everything that came to her mind no matter how hurtful it was. She said it was her "personality." I call crap on that. Some things people don't need to hear and you can filter your talk. Use your honesty to help but if it's not helpful and may be hurtful you can keep it to yourself.
Then there's the other side of this that I lived in most of my life. I went through most of my life hiding the truth of who I was. No one needed to know that I thought I was ugly, no one needed to know that I didn't feel wanted by people, no one needed to know how hard it was for me being in a large group of people. I tried to hide it behind an "I'm too cool" front and in the end people thought I was stuck up. No one needed to see the real me.
It's only been in the last several years that I've really let people see the real me. Hardships will do that to you. You can't keep hiding. It's amazing how when you open yourself up people start opening up to you. I've had so many people open up to me about their infertility because of reading my blog and that encourages me so much.
We all have struggles and we try to hide them. If we would just let people in and open up we could help so many more people. Whether it's infertility, anorexia, post partum depression, insecurity, and so on. Open up and let people in and be honest with who you really are. God wants to use us all.
The one conversation I had was on the front we put up. I know I've shared on this before but it is something I think about a lot. Where is that line between oversharing and helping? There is so much to this. Some things we don't need to hear. I don't need to hear that my child is hard to deal with (shockingly enough I know this), I don't need to hear you don't want my life (no worries, I don't want yours because I love my own), I don't need to hear that we're going to need a bigger house (I live in it). I remember a woman that I dealt with growing up that felt the need to tell everyone everything that came to her mind no matter how hurtful it was. She said it was her "personality." I call crap on that. Some things people don't need to hear and you can filter your talk. Use your honesty to help but if it's not helpful and may be hurtful you can keep it to yourself.
Then there's the other side of this that I lived in most of my life. I went through most of my life hiding the truth of who I was. No one needed to know that I thought I was ugly, no one needed to know that I didn't feel wanted by people, no one needed to know how hard it was for me being in a large group of people. I tried to hide it behind an "I'm too cool" front and in the end people thought I was stuck up. No one needed to see the real me.
It's only been in the last several years that I've really let people see the real me. Hardships will do that to you. You can't keep hiding. It's amazing how when you open yourself up people start opening up to you. I've had so many people open up to me about their infertility because of reading my blog and that encourages me so much.
We all have struggles and we try to hide them. If we would just let people in and open up we could help so many more people. Whether it's infertility, anorexia, post partum depression, insecurity, and so on. Open up and let people in and be honest with who you really are. God wants to use us all.
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