Our little home has been blessed with a tiny foster baby and wow has it changed our lives. My three little men are absolutely in love and my adult man is even more in love. She has rocked our world and I don't see the rocking stopping anytime soon. We knew going into this placement it would probably be a short placement. I had no idea how hard that would be.
Going into fostering they drill into you that reunification is almost always the goal. With this placement they told us we would probably only have her for a month. I thought that would be ok, I knew I would be attached but that's what we're here for. The first few days I held it together. By day three I was crying out to my husband that "I want her!" He looked at me with his amused eyes and said "you're finally admitting it." It's hard falling in love with a child while waiting for a call saying tomorrow we will be picking her up, because that's all the warning we get. It's hard getting up in the middle of the night gazing down into big chocolate eyes knowing this may be the last night. I've tried so hard to live in the moment but man, it's hard!
Usually the first reaction from people when they see her is "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give her up." I smile and nod and make a polite reply when inside I'm screaming I can't! I can't do it either! I have cried out to God begging for him not to make me give her up. But something holds me back from asking Him to let us keep her. I don't know if it's seeing the mom gazing down into her innocent face completely in love after not seeing her for a week. Maybe it's the grandma's sobs as she hears her little squeaks while not having a glimpse of her yet. Maybe it's having met another family out there just as in love with her and desperately wanting her back and wondering if maybe they are better for her than us.
It's been hard but this has also taught me so much. It's taught me how amazing my sons and husband are. They aren't holding anything back even knowing she isn't ours forever. They've made her a part of our family without a second thought. Hearing the little men pray that if we can't keep her please bring us another little girl. I can't do that yet. It breaks my heart every time because I don't want another little girl, I want this one. But they are so accepting of this life and give it to God while I desperately try to do the same.
I've learned to soak up every second, not only with baby but with the boys. They are growing so fast too and seeing her change so quickly makes me realize how quickly they've changed and I don't want to miss a second. Learning to leave the weeds in the flower beds, leave the dirt on the floor, and just breathe in the sweetness that is this baby, these boys, and this beautiful life God has given me.
The thing that I'm most grateful for is knowing I'm where God wants me. I had been feeling so discontent and that I should be doing more. People suggested things and I'd consider it but nothing seemed right and I just couldn't take that step. Meanwhile the discontent stayed. There is no more discontentment. I know this is what God wants me to do and as hard as it is there is such a peace and joy in that. I'm so grateful for every second we have with baby K and am trying so hard to focus on that and not the upcoming good-bye. I can't do it. I can't say good-bye. But with God's help I will.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Monday, March 9, 2015
Time Moves On
It's been a long time since I've blogged and this one is for me more than anything. I want to mark the changes and growths I've seen in the boys to look back on. It's amazing how quickly time moves on. It's amazing how much easier life is now than it was even a year ago. The boys have grown so much.
Simon is in the stage of life where he is growing into a boy, no longer any baby left. He loves school and I'm amazed at how quickly he learns and how eager he is to learn. He has turned into such a sweet boy and genuinely loves people. Just the other day he was telling me about a little boy on his bus that has a mommy but no daddy and that made him sad for him. He said he likes kids that don't have moms and dads and wants to be friends with them. His heart! It inspires me.
Liam is still our wild child. His signature scratch marks are on his brothers' cheeks quite frequently. I have learned that I can't expect him to pick up on things the same as his older brother. Such a simple common sense thought but one it took me a long time to get to. Simon hears everything that goes on in the room, which is frustrating on it's own but Liam can tune everything out. I was getting so frustrated because I would talk to him and thought he was purposely disobeying and I've finally realized he actually doesn't hear unless I get his attention, have him look in my face, and speak directly to him. He loves being around people but is definitely the introvert that needs his alone time and enjoys being at home. They are very different boys and I have to learn to see them each for the child of God they are. He is still so sweet at moments. He will randomly come and ask if I want a hug or tell me he wants to cuddle. He will be the heartbreaker.
Frankie is still the funny child. Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and laughing at his antics. He loves to bring his face two inches from mine when he's talking to me and would be held all day if possible. He gets very easily offended when we tell him no and will hang his head and march back to his room or sit and refuse to look at anyone. It really is the cutest thing. Frankie loves people and is constantly asking where we are going today. He still has an obsession with food and I blame that on a growth spurt right now.
I adore my little family and am so excited to see where God will bring us in the next years to come. It is a joy seeing kids grow up and though I am sad at times that the boys' are all no longer "babies" I am also loving this stage of life when they are a little more independent and life is a little easier.
Simon is in the stage of life where he is growing into a boy, no longer any baby left. He loves school and I'm amazed at how quickly he learns and how eager he is to learn. He has turned into such a sweet boy and genuinely loves people. Just the other day he was telling me about a little boy on his bus that has a mommy but no daddy and that made him sad for him. He said he likes kids that don't have moms and dads and wants to be friends with them. His heart! It inspires me.
Liam is still our wild child. His signature scratch marks are on his brothers' cheeks quite frequently. I have learned that I can't expect him to pick up on things the same as his older brother. Such a simple common sense thought but one it took me a long time to get to. Simon hears everything that goes on in the room, which is frustrating on it's own but Liam can tune everything out. I was getting so frustrated because I would talk to him and thought he was purposely disobeying and I've finally realized he actually doesn't hear unless I get his attention, have him look in my face, and speak directly to him. He loves being around people but is definitely the introvert that needs his alone time and enjoys being at home. They are very different boys and I have to learn to see them each for the child of God they are. He is still so sweet at moments. He will randomly come and ask if I want a hug or tell me he wants to cuddle. He will be the heartbreaker.
Frankie is still the funny child. Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and laughing at his antics. He loves to bring his face two inches from mine when he's talking to me and would be held all day if possible. He gets very easily offended when we tell him no and will hang his head and march back to his room or sit and refuse to look at anyone. It really is the cutest thing. Frankie loves people and is constantly asking where we are going today. He still has an obsession with food and I blame that on a growth spurt right now.
I adore my little family and am so excited to see where God will bring us in the next years to come. It is a joy seeing kids grow up and though I am sad at times that the boys' are all no longer "babies" I am also loving this stage of life when they are a little more independent and life is a little easier.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Forever
Forever: without ever ending; eternally
Last Monday was a special day. Our three little men became officially ours, forever. The joy of that moment is something I will remember all of my days. Through this whole journey called fostering there have been days I thought our adoption day would never come. These three boys have been "mine" since the day they stepped into our lives. Their personalities fit so well into our lives that it amazes me.
Receiving the official paperwork stating that our kids are OURS is another life moment I will never forget. That just happened today. For as special as the actual court day was and already knowing they're ours, seeing it on paper is still beyond thrilling. Never take your children for granted. Living a year and a half with the fear of having my children taken has forever changed me and looking back I am now grateful for how God has changed my heart. He has shown me grace when I don't deserve it, taught me patience when I didn't want to learn it, and shown me that He has so much more for me than I ever dreamed. I can mark this down as another miracle God has granted us.
James 1:2-8
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, 3 because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. 4 Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. 5 But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. 6 But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. 7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord
Those verses have been my life motto the past year. It has opened parts of my heart that I had closed, brought back hope that I thought was lost, and helped me to hold on to God when I couldn't feel Him anymore. Don't be afraid to dream big and pray for miracles. God is still performing miracles today. I'm not done praying and trusting.
Officially introducing Simon, Liam, and Franklin. Our miracles.
Last Monday was a special day. Our three little men became officially ours, forever. The joy of that moment is something I will remember all of my days. Through this whole journey called fostering there have been days I thought our adoption day would never come. These three boys have been "mine" since the day they stepped into our lives. Their personalities fit so well into our lives that it amazes me.
Receiving the official paperwork stating that our kids are OURS is another life moment I will never forget. That just happened today. For as special as the actual court day was and already knowing they're ours, seeing it on paper is still beyond thrilling. Never take your children for granted. Living a year and a half with the fear of having my children taken has forever changed me and looking back I am now grateful for how God has changed my heart. He has shown me grace when I don't deserve it, taught me patience when I didn't want to learn it, and shown me that He has so much more for me than I ever dreamed. I can mark this down as another miracle God has granted us.
James 1:2-8
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, 3 because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. 4 Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. 5 But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. 6 But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. 7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord
Those verses have been my life motto the past year. It has opened parts of my heart that I had closed, brought back hope that I thought was lost, and helped me to hold on to God when I couldn't feel Him anymore. Don't be afraid to dream big and pray for miracles. God is still performing miracles today. I'm not done praying and trusting.
Officially introducing Simon, Liam, and Franklin. Our miracles.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
A Father
What is a father? Too many men seem to think donating sperm is what makes you a father. It doesn't. Blood has nothing to do with it. Heart does.
This blog is a bragging session on the man that is the father to my children so prepare yourself. My husband is a special kind of man. He didn't feel called to foster right away but his wife did so we did it. He wanted one child at a time but his wife wanted two so we signed on for two. We got three. Did he do this because I "wear the pants?" No, he did it because he loves me and trusts my calling from God.
I remember having a fear that when the going got tough with our three little men my husband would look at me and say, "you made me do it." The going has been rough many times and I have never heard anything even close to that out of my husband's mouth. In the early days he looked at me with tears in his eyes wondering if he could do it. God knew he could. How I worry for nothing. Our boys are his sons. He will fight for them with all he has. This I know.
My husband is a true "father to the fatherless" and thanks to him and our heavenly Father they are fatherless no more. He loves our boys with a reckless abandon that melts my heart into a puddle. He wrestles with them, tickles them, plays sports with them, tells them Bible stories, prays with them, and their favorite thing is he plays the guitar for them and sings to them. The list could go on and on. He is a special man with a bigger heart than anyone I have met. Our boys adore their father and so do I. The joy I see in their interaction is a beautiful thing. He challenges me to be a better parent.
To all the fathers out there that are this kind of father to their children....a job well done!
This blog is a bragging session on the man that is the father to my children so prepare yourself. My husband is a special kind of man. He didn't feel called to foster right away but his wife did so we did it. He wanted one child at a time but his wife wanted two so we signed on for two. We got three. Did he do this because I "wear the pants?" No, he did it because he loves me and trusts my calling from God.
I remember having a fear that when the going got tough with our three little men my husband would look at me and say, "you made me do it." The going has been rough many times and I have never heard anything even close to that out of my husband's mouth. In the early days he looked at me with tears in his eyes wondering if he could do it. God knew he could. How I worry for nothing. Our boys are his sons. He will fight for them with all he has. This I know.
My husband is a true "father to the fatherless" and thanks to him and our heavenly Father they are fatherless no more. He loves our boys with a reckless abandon that melts my heart into a puddle. He wrestles with them, tickles them, plays sports with them, tells them Bible stories, prays with them, and their favorite thing is he plays the guitar for them and sings to them. The list could go on and on. He is a special man with a bigger heart than anyone I have met. Our boys adore their father and so do I. The joy I see in their interaction is a beautiful thing. He challenges me to be a better parent.
To all the fathers out there that are this kind of father to their children....a job well done!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Wrecked Mother's Day
Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day of celebration. I have been incredibly blessed to have an amazing mom and mother-in-law in my life that show a true example of what it means to be an amazing mom. I have sisters, sisters-in-law, and friends that challenge me to be a better mother by the example they show me.
Yesterday I had a different mother on my mind. The birth mother of my beautiful children. Throughout the day she kept popping up in my head and I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. Was she missing the children she gave birth to? I'm sure she was. Was she angry, sad, happy with the life she has? My heart ached for her and I also felt a sense of loss for my boys. This year they are too young to think of their birth mother but I'm sure some day they will wonder the same things I wondered. My heart aches for them. I pray they will have a peace and will be grateful for the woman that gave birth to them and most of all will feel the presence of God in their lives.
Yesterday my sister received a beautiful voicemail from her daughter's birth mother wishing her a happy Mother's Day through tears. My boys and I will never have that gift. I wish they could have that gift. I feel a sense of loss for that. I truly know that God knows our hearts and feels that loss right with me and will feel it with my boys as well.
Wrecked. That is the one word that kept coming to my mind yesterday. I am wrecked of ever having a "normal" Mother's Day. But I'm ok with that. God teaches me things through my wrecked days. Yesterday God gave me a compassion for a woman that I have no connection with except that she gave birth to my boys. I am grateful for that compassion that God has given me because it has replaced the anger I have felt towards her at times. I am grateful for Mother's Day and that I can not only have gratitude for my mother but also for a mother far away that through her loss has given me one my greatest gifts, the ability to be a mother.
Yesterday I had a different mother on my mind. The birth mother of my beautiful children. Throughout the day she kept popping up in my head and I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. Was she missing the children she gave birth to? I'm sure she was. Was she angry, sad, happy with the life she has? My heart ached for her and I also felt a sense of loss for my boys. This year they are too young to think of their birth mother but I'm sure some day they will wonder the same things I wondered. My heart aches for them. I pray they will have a peace and will be grateful for the woman that gave birth to them and most of all will feel the presence of God in their lives.
Yesterday my sister received a beautiful voicemail from her daughter's birth mother wishing her a happy Mother's Day through tears. My boys and I will never have that gift. I wish they could have that gift. I feel a sense of loss for that. I truly know that God knows our hearts and feels that loss right with me and will feel it with my boys as well.
Wrecked. That is the one word that kept coming to my mind yesterday. I am wrecked of ever having a "normal" Mother's Day. But I'm ok with that. God teaches me things through my wrecked days. Yesterday God gave me a compassion for a woman that I have no connection with except that she gave birth to my boys. I am grateful for that compassion that God has given me because it has replaced the anger I have felt towards her at times. I am grateful for Mother's Day and that I can not only have gratitude for my mother but also for a mother far away that through her loss has given me one my greatest gifts, the ability to be a mother.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Trust and Answered Prayers
There have been three large things that I've prayed for over a long stretch of time, years even. Those three things have been for children and the past year it has changed to asking for these three specific boys to be ours and the adoption to be finalized soon. The second thing has been for a ministry job for Raph. He has felt God's calling on his life to ministry for quite awhile now and I've been praying that God would open the door and show us where Raph belongs. The third thing has been for our finances. We have struggled financially for a large part of our marriage and I have been praying that God would give us financial favor.
These three things are being answered. It is amazing after years of the same prayers and feeling like giving up, seeing the outcome on the other side. No the adoption is not finalized yet but we are getting closer. Raph has been given a part time youth ministry job at our church which is a dream come true. And our finances are finally getting under control. What a blessing all three of these things have been.
I was thinking on all of this after Raph got the job and how amazing it feels to have prayers answered. My guard started going up. I was praying and I asked "God when is the bottom going to drop out again?" I felt like things were going too good and something had to go wrong soon because God doesn't want us to have the easy life. I felt God speaking to me..."Trust!" I instantly felt rebuked. I knew how the disciples felt on the boat when they woke Jesus up during the storm and He said to them “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
God isn't some thing up in the sky waiting to bring destruction on us.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
There are so many verses on trusting God that I forget. He wants good things for us and I need to remember to rely on that. I am grateful for a God that pulls me through the hard times and reminds me in the good times not to be afraid of what may happen but to rely on him and lean on his goodness.
These three things are being answered. It is amazing after years of the same prayers and feeling like giving up, seeing the outcome on the other side. No the adoption is not finalized yet but we are getting closer. Raph has been given a part time youth ministry job at our church which is a dream come true. And our finances are finally getting under control. What a blessing all three of these things have been.
I was thinking on all of this after Raph got the job and how amazing it feels to have prayers answered. My guard started going up. I was praying and I asked "God when is the bottom going to drop out again?" I felt like things were going too good and something had to go wrong soon because God doesn't want us to have the easy life. I felt God speaking to me..."Trust!" I instantly felt rebuked. I knew how the disciples felt on the boat when they woke Jesus up during the storm and He said to them “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
God isn't some thing up in the sky waiting to bring destruction on us.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
There are so many verses on trusting God that I forget. He wants good things for us and I need to remember to rely on that. I am grateful for a God that pulls me through the hard times and reminds me in the good times not to be afraid of what may happen but to rely on him and lean on his goodness.
Monday, March 24, 2014
The "W" Word: Welfare
Beware of angry rant coming full steam ahead.
Welfare=lazy people that don't want to work so they take our tax paying money to get benefits so they can continue to stay at home and do nothing. We should do away with it and if you are too lazy to work than you shouldn't eat or you need to get off of drugs and get a job. True or false?
Let me just say if I hear that sentiment one more time I may scream. Yes I know there are people that take advantage of the system. We have all heard of the people in line at the grocery store using food stamps while they are holding their iphone. Honestly, I really don't care.
There are people that are starving in this country. They need help. No the government shouldn't be the ones taking care of these people, the church should. Is the church? Many people of the church are but most are not. Most of the people that are complaining about welfare are people in the church. So there is the answer. If we won't feed the starving someone else needs to and that someone right now is the government. I for one am glad that I'm not the person that makes the decision on who gets to eat and who doesn't.
Sorry child your daddy doesn't have a job so today you don't need to eat. Does this sound right? There are thousands of kids starving in this country. When I went to South Dakota on a mission trip to a reservation we fed a group of kids lunch and the five year old girl I was helping hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. My own children didn't get enough food to eat when they were younger. Their are teenagers in the foster system that still deal with food issues because they went hungry as children. This breaks my heart so much more than the thought of my tax money going to feed the "lazy people."
There are people that can't find a job and are desperate to feed their families. There are people dealing with addictions that I can't imagine facing. Where do we draw the line on who gets to eat? Sorry you are addicted to drugs and can't hold down a job so you don't get to eat. Why do we need to be the ones to judge? Why can't we have compassion instead of looking down our noses at those less fortunate than us. Why can't we be the ones feeding these people? Personally I would rather have two thousand people take advantage of the system than one person be starving.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
Welfare=lazy people that don't want to work so they take our tax paying money to get benefits so they can continue to stay at home and do nothing. We should do away with it and if you are too lazy to work than you shouldn't eat or you need to get off of drugs and get a job. True or false?
Let me just say if I hear that sentiment one more time I may scream. Yes I know there are people that take advantage of the system. We have all heard of the people in line at the grocery store using food stamps while they are holding their iphone. Honestly, I really don't care.
There are people that are starving in this country. They need help. No the government shouldn't be the ones taking care of these people, the church should. Is the church? Many people of the church are but most are not. Most of the people that are complaining about welfare are people in the church. So there is the answer. If we won't feed the starving someone else needs to and that someone right now is the government. I for one am glad that I'm not the person that makes the decision on who gets to eat and who doesn't.
Sorry child your daddy doesn't have a job so today you don't need to eat. Does this sound right? There are thousands of kids starving in this country. When I went to South Dakota on a mission trip to a reservation we fed a group of kids lunch and the five year old girl I was helping hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. My own children didn't get enough food to eat when they were younger. Their are teenagers in the foster system that still deal with food issues because they went hungry as children. This breaks my heart so much more than the thought of my tax money going to feed the "lazy people."
There are people that can't find a job and are desperate to feed their families. There are people dealing with addictions that I can't imagine facing. Where do we draw the line on who gets to eat? Sorry you are addicted to drugs and can't hold down a job so you don't get to eat. Why do we need to be the ones to judge? Why can't we have compassion instead of looking down our noses at those less fortunate than us. Why can't we be the ones feeding these people? Personally I would rather have two thousand people take advantage of the system than one person be starving.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
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