A Man Takes a Wife

My life isn't all serious and sad regardless of what my previous posts might make it sound like. I've been determined not to constantly be putting on the cute things my kids say because I don't want to be "that 'person" but this one I can't resist and I don't want to forget the silly things of life.
 Today I was sitting on the couch with my three year old S. Randomly we started discussing his future. I told him when he gets older he will marry a girl and then he won't live with mommy and daddy anymore, he will have a house all of his own.
He looked at me curiously, "Who that girl?"
 I explained that he might not have met her yet.
"Annie or Ava?" he asked.
"No, they are your cousins. You can't marry your cousins. Someone else that you might meet when your older." 
"Where I meet her? McDonalds?"
"I sure hope not!"

My First Son

Tonight my mind wonders back, back to what seems like a lifetime ago, back to a place that brings tears to my eyes and twists my heart so tight it's hard to catch my breath. Back to my first son.

When I was 20 I ventured down to a beautiful little country called Jamaica. A country rich with culture and full of new adventures. A country that stole my heart. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew as long as I could remember I felt called to work in an orphanage. I was beyond excited and a little petrified as I said good-bye to all I had ever known, all of my family and friends. I had committed to 6 months and that seemed like long enough to me. So down I went and started working in a little orphanage full of children that were longing for love and before I knew it my heart was lost to them forever. One boy in particular grabbed my heart and has never let go. His name was Danny.

Danny was a little one year old boy when I got there and he was full of life and energy and yes he was naughty. :) I grew to love him more and more every week I was there and he quickly became "my Danny." Whenever I had the chance I would take him home for the weekend. I remember taking him back to my home and my house sisters teasing me about his boundless energy and naughtyness as he flew from room to room destroying everything in his path. Somehow he managed to poop on a mound of toys. But wow did I love him.  When Sunday afternoon came and it was time to take him back to the orphange I could hardly stand leaving him there. Leaving him standing with tears streaming down his face and tantrum being thrown. All he wanted was love and I couldn't stand the thought of not rocking him to sleep, he was MY son.

My 6 months in Jamaica turned into a year. That whole year Danny was mine. I loved him as much as you can imagine loving any child and I sure was proud of him. As my year came to a close I didn't know how I was ever going to leave him behind. By now he was a two year old and understanding more and more. I was his favorite and I was his mother. I will never forget that last day at the orphanage as I took him off to say my good-byes. My heart was being ripped out of my chest and I ached for him. He wouldn't understand why I wasn't coming back and he would be abandoned. The guilt overwhelmed me and I spent night after night back in Ohio in my own bed tears streaming into my pillow and sobbing for my son. I knew it was time for me to leave Jamaica and I knew he was promised to another family but selfishly I wanted him for my own forever.

When I was back in the states I did my best to hide my ache for him but it never went away. Even five years later I would cry into my husband's arms as I longed for my little boy. I knew he had been adopted to a couple in Florida but I couldn't find any information on him or where he was. What I would do for glimpse of him. By now he would be a nine year old and probably has no memory of me.

When we started the fostering process I was talking to Raph one night about Danny and how I wanted a boy just like him. He wisely worried that if we did get a boy I would be disappointed because he wouldn't be "my Danny." But I still wanted a naughty little boy and hoped that he would fill that hole that Danny had left there. Well I got my naughty little boy. And joke's on me, I got three of them. I am so grateful that never once have I been disappointed that none of them are Danny and they have filled my heart more than I ever thought possible. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world and I pray that some day they will be my forever sons. But there is still that little hole there that I have discovered will never be filled. That hole left by my missing son. I trust that he is in the home that God wants and prepared for him. I pray that he is loved and is becoming a lover of Jesus. That is what keeps me going on nights like tonight when I ache for my first son.