Be Still

What do you do when you’re life is filled with children for years and then all of a sudden it’s not? What do you do when your three boys are all in school five days a week. What do you do when shortly after the baby you’ve raised for 11 months is gone? 

Do you fill your life as full as possible with things that you don’t love to do but they keep you busy? Do you stay at home by yourself as much as possible to mourn the loss of a child who isn’t dead but isn’t here? Do you find a part time job until you get another foster placement just to quit? What do you do? This is what I’ve been wondering the past month and a half. 

For so long my life has been filled with children 24/7. Time to myself has been scarce and it’s been cherished but now it’s endless. There are so many things I could do and have been doing to fill my time but they don’t give me joy. Am I being selfish? Should I be doing more? Is it not about joy? What do I do?

I feel like the devil loves to keep us busy. If we are busy we can’t take that time to heal. If we are busy we can’t find time for God. We are proud of our busyness, it’s a badge of honor to us. How are you? Good but really busy. Is busy good? God has been telling me to “be still.” It’s so hard to do. We don’t want to be thought of as lazy, as selfish. But there are times after craziness of life stops that we need to take time to heal and simply be still. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s needed. 

Psalm 62:1-2

I find rest in God;

Only he can save me. 

He is my rock and my salvation. 

He is my defender;

I will not be defeated. 

One year

It's been almost one year since my last blog. I've had so many thoughts run through my mind and so many things I thought to write but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. There's something about seeing my feelings and thoughts typed out that make it so much more real and raw, but it also brings me such healing.
In one year we have had a foster placement and saw her leave which is the hardest thing we've ever done. But we've also had the indescribable joy of still being able to watch her grow through pictures, videos, and visits. We've also had a new joy come into our lives. Our little baby M. She hasn't been the "easy" baby like baby K was but we love her just as much, with all our hearts, and have had her for 6 months now. She will probably be leaving in the next 3-6 months. The thought of her leaving seems just as unfathomable as it did with baby K. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to travel this foster world without giving your heart completely and then getting it completely ripped out when these babies leave. I've decided there's not and I'm not sure there's supposed to be. I keep trying to decide if it's better this second time because I know we can survive the baby leaving or if it's worse because I know the intense pain.
God is still continually teaching me through all of this. My selfish desire tells me "hang on with all your might and don't let go of this child!" God tells me "give her to me, she's not your's or anyone else's, she's mine! I love her more than you will and I will take care of her." What an awesome God we serve. I know God is right. In a conversation with Raph this week I told him I truly don't feel like we should adopt a child that has family that want her and take care of her. We are called to adopt children that don't have families that can or want to take care of them. As hard as it is letting go I know it's right. Seeing baby K with her family proves this to me. They love her so much and she is growing and thriving in that love. Raph agreed and said not only would he never try to take baby K back but he would do anything in his power to help her to stay with her mom. This is how I know this is right and I truly believe the same will be true when baby M leaves.
God wraps these children in His arms long after I'll ever be able to. We do what we are called and we see HIS glory through it all. That's not saying it's so hard it takes our breath away but God gives us back that breath starting with the small joys and they grow until our lungs are full of air again.