Today is a good day. Our adoption worker and another worker were just here and the process is progressing!! No idea on the exact time frame of anything and it's constantly changing but having a visit to actually talk to someone about it gets me all giddy. Could this actually be reality? Could our first foster placement actually be the children we are adopting? Oh I pray it is so and nothing interferes.
Having relative strangers in our home oohing and aahing over our boys and how happy they are and how well they listen and how healthy they look makes my heart swell with pride. So often I focus on the negative. I'm tired of being scratched, constantly disobeyed, and yelled at and know I have so much to learn about being a parent. But today made me realize what amazing children I have. Let me brag on them a little.
S has improved soooo much. I can't emphasize the soo enough. Gone are the days of slapping me in the face, tearing apart the house, and screaming in rage. Yes, he still gets angry. But it is a more controlled anger. He is happy. He dotes on L with a ferocious love that I adore. I used to be so frustrated with his "all about me" attitude but now him and L share a room and I've noticed how well they play together and how he looks out for him. S is my old soul that I can sit and have conversations with that are ridiculous for a 4 year old. Let me tell you, he is a leader and loves Jesus and if he keeps on the path he is going he will be a world changer.
K is my struggle now. He has become the angry one who hits and scratches and screams. He is struggling. But after the angry stage passes he will sit quietly for a long time and then come sweetly saying "sorry mommy" with such sincerity that it makes me tear up. Sweet remorse makes it all much easier to deal with and I wonder what goes on in that little curly head of his. He is our crazy one that makes people laugh but he loves his alone time. K loves Paw Patrol more than I ever thought would be possible for a child to love a tv show. He is passionate, stubborn, and frustrates me to no end. But I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, I have seen it happen with his big brother. When he reaches the end of this tunnel I know he will have a light that will blind you.
L, what a funny little chubby man. He is the boy that kills me and Raph with his humor. There is something just plain funny about that kid. He is in that sweet transition from baby to boy. He is starting to talk more and more. He also seems to carry the temper that comes with the rest of these boys but thankfully it is usually short lived and followed by cuddles. He loves babies with a passion and is so gentle with them that it melts my heart. His love for books and snuggling make my days a lot sweeter.
Lately I have been struggling again with this ugly infertility. It started with a dream that I was pregnant and the harsh reality of waking up with that dream being so far out of my reach that it hurts. But then I look at my little men and am so proud of them I could burst and know that we are right where God wants us. That brings me joy. I'm beyond excited for my first Christmas as a mommy. Seeing the excitement on their faces as we decorated the tree, made fun little painted handprints, and the awe of the lights is making this the best Christmas season yet.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The List
It seems that with Thanksgiving coming up the "thankful" lists also come up. Here's my contribution in no particular order.
I'm thankful for
1. a job offered to me by friends when it was most needed
2. a mom that watches the boys with no complaints so I can do this job. (even when it means getting smacked in the face by one of these boys)
3. a husband that is non stop supportive of me even on days when I'm hard to live with, and I know there are a lot of those days.
4. a yearly tradition of an overnight shopping trip with my mom and sisters, tomorrow night woot woot!!
5. a husband that doesn't complain once that I'm going on this trip
6. boys that give me an endless supply of kisses when it's bedtime and snuggle up to sing bedtime songs with me
7. case workers, even when I get frustrated and have to send numerous e-mails, voicemails, and non stop bugging to get things done. I know this is a hard job and the workload is ridiculous and I'm grateful these people have the hearts to do this work.
8. an overly smart son that tells me I have "sad eyes" when things get rough for me. Little does he know his eyes used to be even more sad.
9. a sensitive son that in the aftermath of a rage filled episode full of scratching me, hitting me, and screaming in my face, is quiet for a long time and looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says "sorry I make you cry mommy." Melt my heart into a puddle
10. a chubby little hand that loves to stick his sticky fingers in my mouth for me to "eat him"
11. brothers that, even though they fight, love each other and would defend each other to the end
12. bio parents, even through the frustration of the pain they have caused my kids, they are the reason I have the children in my house and I pray they find peace with God
13. a supportive community and friends, I have lost count of all the things people have done for us....meals, bags full of food, clothes, money, toys, most recently a four wheeler, baby-sitting, stopping in to watch the boys so I can take a bath. 9 months later we are still receiving from our community. We have been blessed beyond compare
14. family, how amazing is it to have family on both sides that we have no worries that they will accept our children with no thought of race, blood line, or actions. Our kids are their family. If only everyone was that blessed
15. a husband that I love even more now than over five years ago when I married him
16. infertility, without it I would not have the family I have today
17. tears, the sweet release of happiness, sadness, and frustration all comes out in tears for me
18. the Bible, how often have verses popped in my head when I most need them?
19. laughter, brought to me by three little goofballs, my giant husband, and so many others
20. and last and most of all my heavenly Father, how I lean on Him
I'm thankful for
1. a job offered to me by friends when it was most needed
2. a mom that watches the boys with no complaints so I can do this job. (even when it means getting smacked in the face by one of these boys)
3. a husband that is non stop supportive of me even on days when I'm hard to live with, and I know there are a lot of those days.
4. a yearly tradition of an overnight shopping trip with my mom and sisters, tomorrow night woot woot!!
5. a husband that doesn't complain once that I'm going on this trip
6. boys that give me an endless supply of kisses when it's bedtime and snuggle up to sing bedtime songs with me
7. case workers, even when I get frustrated and have to send numerous e-mails, voicemails, and non stop bugging to get things done. I know this is a hard job and the workload is ridiculous and I'm grateful these people have the hearts to do this work.
8. an overly smart son that tells me I have "sad eyes" when things get rough for me. Little does he know his eyes used to be even more sad.
9. a sensitive son that in the aftermath of a rage filled episode full of scratching me, hitting me, and screaming in my face, is quiet for a long time and looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says "sorry I make you cry mommy." Melt my heart into a puddle
10. a chubby little hand that loves to stick his sticky fingers in my mouth for me to "eat him"
11. brothers that, even though they fight, love each other and would defend each other to the end
12. bio parents, even through the frustration of the pain they have caused my kids, they are the reason I have the children in my house and I pray they find peace with God
13. a supportive community and friends, I have lost count of all the things people have done for us....meals, bags full of food, clothes, money, toys, most recently a four wheeler, baby-sitting, stopping in to watch the boys so I can take a bath. 9 months later we are still receiving from our community. We have been blessed beyond compare
14. family, how amazing is it to have family on both sides that we have no worries that they will accept our children with no thought of race, blood line, or actions. Our kids are their family. If only everyone was that blessed
15. a husband that I love even more now than over five years ago when I married him
16. infertility, without it I would not have the family I have today
17. tears, the sweet release of happiness, sadness, and frustration all comes out in tears for me
18. the Bible, how often have verses popped in my head when I most need them?
19. laughter, brought to me by three little goofballs, my giant husband, and so many others
20. and last and most of all my heavenly Father, how I lean on Him
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
We Cry Abba Father
Romans 8:15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, Abba Father.
2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice." Quote from After Earth
The above verses and words keep running through my head. Fear is so real to me this morning. During our fostering annual review some problems came up. I can't go into details but from these problems it looks like we are going to have a meeting. The annual review is how we keep our license. Our license is how we keep our children. My breath is taken away every time I think of this.
I found all of this out late yesterday afternoon and of course I couldn't reach the worker I needed to talk to before she left for the day. Fear overtook me. I had a fun night out with my mom and sisters that distracted me but then when I came home the fear gripped even tighter. I spent a lot of last night close to a panic attack. I could feel the tightness overtaking my chest. If you've never had a panic attack you can't imagine how scary that feels. Hives broke out on my chest and neck and I couldn't stop it. Fear is a gripping emotion. I feel so badly for anyone that has ever lost a child. The fear of losing my children completely terrifies me. Probably because in the eyes of the law they are not yet my children. In my heart they are my flesh and blood.
I tried and tried last night to give this over to God but just couldn't seem to do it. Finally when I was in the bathroom I broke down. "I can't do this! Satan get away! God I need you! I can't do this on my own!" Let me tell you folks, Satan is very real. He had a strong grip on me last night. Through my shaking and teeth chattering and praying and praying and praying a peace overcame me. Satan is real but God is so much more powerful. Don't underestimate the power of either one of them! Satan wants us to have that fear that overtakes us and grips our chest into tightness and causes hives. God wants to take that fear from us and give us peace. We just have to ask and let him. I have prayed for the past month now that God would bring me closer to Him. I want to be closer to Him in every way possible. I am now! I have felt God's power over Satan and am so grateful and humbled by His love for me. If you don't have that in your life please, please turn to Him!
I still don't know what the outcome is going to be of all this. I don't know how serious the whole situation actually is. I do know that last night I went by each child's bed and prayed over them. Do not take your children for granted. I do know that God is in control and He can get me through anything. I pray that He doesn't ask me to give up these children. Not only for my sake and my husband's but for theirs. I can't imagine them being uprooted again and what that would do to them. So I'm asking for prayer. Thank you for all the people that are praying and will pray
2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice." Quote from After Earth
The above verses and words keep running through my head. Fear is so real to me this morning. During our fostering annual review some problems came up. I can't go into details but from these problems it looks like we are going to have a meeting. The annual review is how we keep our license. Our license is how we keep our children. My breath is taken away every time I think of this.
I found all of this out late yesterday afternoon and of course I couldn't reach the worker I needed to talk to before she left for the day. Fear overtook me. I had a fun night out with my mom and sisters that distracted me but then when I came home the fear gripped even tighter. I spent a lot of last night close to a panic attack. I could feel the tightness overtaking my chest. If you've never had a panic attack you can't imagine how scary that feels. Hives broke out on my chest and neck and I couldn't stop it. Fear is a gripping emotion. I feel so badly for anyone that has ever lost a child. The fear of losing my children completely terrifies me. Probably because in the eyes of the law they are not yet my children. In my heart they are my flesh and blood.
I tried and tried last night to give this over to God but just couldn't seem to do it. Finally when I was in the bathroom I broke down. "I can't do this! Satan get away! God I need you! I can't do this on my own!" Let me tell you folks, Satan is very real. He had a strong grip on me last night. Through my shaking and teeth chattering and praying and praying and praying a peace overcame me. Satan is real but God is so much more powerful. Don't underestimate the power of either one of them! Satan wants us to have that fear that overtakes us and grips our chest into tightness and causes hives. God wants to take that fear from us and give us peace. We just have to ask and let him. I have prayed for the past month now that God would bring me closer to Him. I want to be closer to Him in every way possible. I am now! I have felt God's power over Satan and am so grateful and humbled by His love for me. If you don't have that in your life please, please turn to Him!
I still don't know what the outcome is going to be of all this. I don't know how serious the whole situation actually is. I do know that last night I went by each child's bed and prayed over them. Do not take your children for granted. I do know that God is in control and He can get me through anything. I pray that He doesn't ask me to give up these children. Not only for my sake and my husband's but for theirs. I can't imagine them being uprooted again and what that would do to them. So I'm asking for prayer. Thank you for all the people that are praying and will pray
Monday, November 4, 2013
Monday Morning, Time to Forget Orphan Sunday
So yesterday we had a little church service. It was on a little subject called Orphan Sunday. What is Orphan Sunday? It's a Sunday to promote caring for orphans and to have God's love for orphans echo in our own lives. It's a day that makes some cry, makes some sad, makes some feel bad and then it's over.
What do we feel this morning? Have we forgotten already? Are we back to drinking our Monday morning coffee and starting our Monday morning routine? Are our hearts still aching for the children looking for a family? There's this pesky little page on Facebook that I like called The Forgotten Initiative. Yesterday they showed a child from each state waiting to be adopted. Someone must not have told them that Orphan Sunday ended yesterday because they dared to add another one this morning. There goes my Monday morning routine because now my heart is pulled back into it. It's harder to ignore the problem when you see the faces of the children waiting. When you see a little information about each child. One boy wants a family that will read him bedtimes stories and tuck him in. A lot of children need families that are willing to be patient because of the neglect and abuse they've had in the past. Too. Much. Work?
I've always had a passion for orphans. At a young age I remember knowing that some day I was going to work in an orphanage. I did. At a young age I remember knowing that I was called to foster and adopt. I fostered, working on the adoption. Three kids asleep in their beds are proof of that. God called me, I'm done. I did my part, right? Wrong! God didn't call me to this so I could stop doing His calling after I had three kids in my home. I should never stop. On pinterest I pinned a quote from Jim Gaffigan saying "You want to know what it's like having a fourth child? Imagine you're drowning. Then someone hands you a baby." Funny, but really, that's how I feel. I can't do another child right now. But I can do something.
Last night my husband talked to the college group about passion. One of the definitions of passion is: a strong feeling that causes you to act in a dangerous way. Hmm, passion means action? What actions am I taking? I don't know what my next step is but I know I'm not done. I'm not even done with the journey with the three little kids that are back asleep in their beds. I pray that Lord willing in the next 6 months the journey to them being mine forever will come to an end and we can officially be a family. But that also isn't the end of my journey for the cause of the orphan.
You may be saying "I don't have a passion for orphans." Maybe you don't. But God called us to Defend the cause of the fatherless Isaiah 1:17. That verse doesn't say defend the cause of the fatherless if you have a passion for orphans. It's pretty cut and dry. Defend the cause of the fatherless! What are we doing? Pray, support, give, adopt, foster. Do something.
What do we feel this morning? Have we forgotten already? Are we back to drinking our Monday morning coffee and starting our Monday morning routine? Are our hearts still aching for the children looking for a family? There's this pesky little page on Facebook that I like called The Forgotten Initiative. Yesterday they showed a child from each state waiting to be adopted. Someone must not have told them that Orphan Sunday ended yesterday because they dared to add another one this morning. There goes my Monday morning routine because now my heart is pulled back into it. It's harder to ignore the problem when you see the faces of the children waiting. When you see a little information about each child. One boy wants a family that will read him bedtimes stories and tuck him in. A lot of children need families that are willing to be patient because of the neglect and abuse they've had in the past. Too. Much. Work?
I've always had a passion for orphans. At a young age I remember knowing that some day I was going to work in an orphanage. I did. At a young age I remember knowing that I was called to foster and adopt. I fostered, working on the adoption. Three kids asleep in their beds are proof of that. God called me, I'm done. I did my part, right? Wrong! God didn't call me to this so I could stop doing His calling after I had three kids in my home. I should never stop. On pinterest I pinned a quote from Jim Gaffigan saying "You want to know what it's like having a fourth child? Imagine you're drowning. Then someone hands you a baby." Funny, but really, that's how I feel. I can't do another child right now. But I can do something.
Last night my husband talked to the college group about passion. One of the definitions of passion is: a strong feeling that causes you to act in a dangerous way. Hmm, passion means action? What actions am I taking? I don't know what my next step is but I know I'm not done. I'm not even done with the journey with the three little kids that are back asleep in their beds. I pray that Lord willing in the next 6 months the journey to them being mine forever will come to an end and we can officially be a family. But that also isn't the end of my journey for the cause of the orphan.
You may be saying "I don't have a passion for orphans." Maybe you don't. But God called us to Defend the cause of the fatherless Isaiah 1:17. That verse doesn't say defend the cause of the fatherless if you have a passion for orphans. It's pretty cut and dry. Defend the cause of the fatherless! What are we doing? Pray, support, give, adopt, foster. Do something.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
My Desires
Ephesians 6:12 For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in the dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places
I have started a routine. I wake up every morning, do my devotional, say my prayers..."help me to be a better mother, a better wife. Help me have patience today. Take away any hold the past has on my children. Keep my husband safe at work. Help us all to have a good day." There's nothing wrong with that prayer but is that my only prayer?
Yesterday morning I woke up to that routine. Did my devotions, said my prayers, I felt empty afterwards. What was I missing? I clearly felt God speaking to me that I was missing the most important thing. What's the most important part of my life? My husband and kids? Where's God in that list? Punch to the gut. In the midst of trying to be the best mom and wife I could be I forgot to prioritize God at the top of my list. I didn't forget God but I didn't put Him where he belongs. As my #1. Since I stopped helping with the youth group I have let God down. I used to put Him at the center of everything so that I could do my best to do His work and worship Him with my whole life but somewhere along the line I stopped. I was letting Satan's lies in, that my life in this house is more important than God's glory. Ephesians 6:12 was the first verse that popped up after this revelation.
My prayers have changed. I started a new devotional, changed my prayers to include praying for others and most of all praising God. "Lord, help me not to forget!" Let us glorify God and praise Him above all else.
I have started a routine. I wake up every morning, do my devotional, say my prayers..."help me to be a better mother, a better wife. Help me have patience today. Take away any hold the past has on my children. Keep my husband safe at work. Help us all to have a good day." There's nothing wrong with that prayer but is that my only prayer?
Yesterday morning I woke up to that routine. Did my devotions, said my prayers, I felt empty afterwards. What was I missing? I clearly felt God speaking to me that I was missing the most important thing. What's the most important part of my life? My husband and kids? Where's God in that list? Punch to the gut. In the midst of trying to be the best mom and wife I could be I forgot to prioritize God at the top of my list. I didn't forget God but I didn't put Him where he belongs. As my #1. Since I stopped helping with the youth group I have let God down. I used to put Him at the center of everything so that I could do my best to do His work and worship Him with my whole life but somewhere along the line I stopped. I was letting Satan's lies in, that my life in this house is more important than God's glory. Ephesians 6:12 was the first verse that popped up after this revelation.
My prayers have changed. I started a new devotional, changed my prayers to include praying for others and most of all praising God. "Lord, help me not to forget!" Let us glorify God and praise Him above all else.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Confessions of a Foster Mom
Even though most days I don't feel like a "foster mom" and just feel like a normal mom, some days I'm reminded that my kids may not be mine forever and the future is not clear. Today is one of those days so I will look at my life and laugh at the crazy that it is and list my confessions.
1. My house is dirty 99.9% of the time. That .1% is usually on Friday afternoons and doesn't last long enough for anyone but me and the kids to see.
2. Youngest one uses his curly hair for a napkin. Do I wash out the food in his hair when I find it? No, I pull it out, smell it, and throw it away. Today it was a rather large piece of cheese after lunch.
3. Oldest one broke our toilet, I'm currently too tired to remember what the back part of the toilet is called but that is what is broke so it can't hold water. I attempted having everyone use the downstairs toilet but that was too much work. So everyone uses the broken toilet and we keep a bucket beside it and after about three or four uses of said toilet I fill the bucket with water and wash down the nasty inside. The bathroom now smells like pee....all. the. time. TMI? We are hillbilly.
4. I take a nap usually 6 out of 7 days out of the week. If I don't take a nap I feel like I might die.
5. I'm still tired all the time.
6. Today for lunch the kids had bologna, cheese, and grapes. The thought of that makes me want to vomit. I'm not a healthy mom.
7. The inside of our van looks like it got hit by a tornado. Toys, clothes, and probably French fries are strewn throughout. I'm not a clean mom. Daughter of clean sister told me my van is messy. Yes, yes it is.
8. Foster classes may be my least favorite thing on Earth.
9. My pride is no longer where it used to be. I used to refuse help and try to do it all on my own. Now any help offered is taken with little or no resistance....unless I'm feeling a rare burst of energy.
10. Oldest and youngest one love to be held like babies. Around naptime you can see me carrying my large "babies" to bed and cradling them. My back does not thank me. Did I mention I have large boys?
11. I wonder what husband thinks I do with my days. The house is usually messy, supper is easy food, and toys are everywhere.
12. Naptime has been in effect for about 15 minutes. I have to stop now because if I don't I may miss my nap. That's not pretty.
1. My house is dirty 99.9% of the time. That .1% is usually on Friday afternoons and doesn't last long enough for anyone but me and the kids to see.
2. Youngest one uses his curly hair for a napkin. Do I wash out the food in his hair when I find it? No, I pull it out, smell it, and throw it away. Today it was a rather large piece of cheese after lunch.
3. Oldest one broke our toilet, I'm currently too tired to remember what the back part of the toilet is called but that is what is broke so it can't hold water. I attempted having everyone use the downstairs toilet but that was too much work. So everyone uses the broken toilet and we keep a bucket beside it and after about three or four uses of said toilet I fill the bucket with water and wash down the nasty inside. The bathroom now smells like pee....all. the. time. TMI? We are hillbilly.
4. I take a nap usually 6 out of 7 days out of the week. If I don't take a nap I feel like I might die.
5. I'm still tired all the time.
6. Today for lunch the kids had bologna, cheese, and grapes. The thought of that makes me want to vomit. I'm not a healthy mom.
7. The inside of our van looks like it got hit by a tornado. Toys, clothes, and probably French fries are strewn throughout. I'm not a clean mom. Daughter of clean sister told me my van is messy. Yes, yes it is.
8. Foster classes may be my least favorite thing on Earth.
9. My pride is no longer where it used to be. I used to refuse help and try to do it all on my own. Now any help offered is taken with little or no resistance....unless I'm feeling a rare burst of energy.
10. Oldest and youngest one love to be held like babies. Around naptime you can see me carrying my large "babies" to bed and cradling them. My back does not thank me. Did I mention I have large boys?
11. I wonder what husband thinks I do with my days. The house is usually messy, supper is easy food, and toys are everywhere.
12. Naptime has been in effect for about 15 minutes. I have to stop now because if I don't I may miss my nap. That's not pretty.
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Perfect Woman
What is the perfect woman? The answer is different to different people. Is it the woman who has the career, the family, and the perfect home? The woman who is a size 2 and looks perfect whenever she steps out her front door? Or maybe the mom who's kids are the perfect combination of sweet and sassy and she can laugh off the bratty ornery things they do. And then there's the Martha Stewart who's home is always in perfect condition and always has the best decorations and recipes. Or a combination of all of the above?
I have always dealt with self esteem issues. Never felt quite pretty enough, quite sweet enough, or quite outgoing enough. I have compared myself to other women and tried to change my personality, jean size, and heart. Why? Because I'm not the perfect woman. What kind of society do we live in? I remember when I lived in Jamaica I lost 30 pounds through constant sickness, mono, and parasites. What was the world's response? "You look amazing!" "You are so skinny, you look so good!" How sad. When I was at my most unhealthy state was when I got the most compliments. I'm guilty of doing the same thing. I compliment people on their weight loss never thinking it may not be a healthy weight loss. But that outside look of perfection is closer. I'm no longer those 30 pounds lighter, I don't look perfect enough. Do people judge me?
Over the past months I have had to deal with a new issue of self esteem problems. The issue of being the perfect mother. Man, it is harder than people make it look! I can never seem to get through a day without snapping at one of the boys. I can't seem to keep my house clean, meals made, and do fun activities with the boys consistently. So many days I feel like a failure. I look at other moms who post pictures of their perfect house with kids with smiling faces and healthy meals on top of it. I am a failure. I sent S to bed as early as possible because I couldn't take another lie or another word of attitude spewed in my direction. I couldn't hold my anger anymore and snapped yet again and seem to have done more damage than good. Every morning I wake up and pray that God will help me be patient and loving to my boys and not let them see my frustration. Most days I wait till naptime or bedtime and hang my head in shame that I'm not the mom I want to be. I wonder what others think if they look at me and the way I mother my children. Do they see the failure I am or do I hide it well enough?
Recently a fellow mom text me to vent her frustrations. She's not perfect either. She snapped at her kids. She feels like a failure. Oh how I know the feeling. How many other women out there are aiming for perfection and feel like they aren't reaching it? Whether it is mothering, jean size, or any other issue that comes up. How do we help? Do we look and judge? I know that is why I hide my fears and only show them to my husband. I don't want to be looked down on. Let's stop hiding! Let's use our self esteem issues to grow and help others. God has shown me that I'm not perfect but He created me for HIS workmanship, not for my own fears and pride. Let's encourage one another and not judge. What a lesson to me. I was not put on this Earth to point out others' imperfection to them or to perfect myself. I was put on this Earth to encourage and serve our Lord. After all, there is no perfect woman.
Hebrews 10
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
I have always dealt with self esteem issues. Never felt quite pretty enough, quite sweet enough, or quite outgoing enough. I have compared myself to other women and tried to change my personality, jean size, and heart. Why? Because I'm not the perfect woman. What kind of society do we live in? I remember when I lived in Jamaica I lost 30 pounds through constant sickness, mono, and parasites. What was the world's response? "You look amazing!" "You are so skinny, you look so good!" How sad. When I was at my most unhealthy state was when I got the most compliments. I'm guilty of doing the same thing. I compliment people on their weight loss never thinking it may not be a healthy weight loss. But that outside look of perfection is closer. I'm no longer those 30 pounds lighter, I don't look perfect enough. Do people judge me?
Over the past months I have had to deal with a new issue of self esteem problems. The issue of being the perfect mother. Man, it is harder than people make it look! I can never seem to get through a day without snapping at one of the boys. I can't seem to keep my house clean, meals made, and do fun activities with the boys consistently. So many days I feel like a failure. I look at other moms who post pictures of their perfect house with kids with smiling faces and healthy meals on top of it. I am a failure. I sent S to bed as early as possible because I couldn't take another lie or another word of attitude spewed in my direction. I couldn't hold my anger anymore and snapped yet again and seem to have done more damage than good. Every morning I wake up and pray that God will help me be patient and loving to my boys and not let them see my frustration. Most days I wait till naptime or bedtime and hang my head in shame that I'm not the mom I want to be. I wonder what others think if they look at me and the way I mother my children. Do they see the failure I am or do I hide it well enough?
Recently a fellow mom text me to vent her frustrations. She's not perfect either. She snapped at her kids. She feels like a failure. Oh how I know the feeling. How many other women out there are aiming for perfection and feel like they aren't reaching it? Whether it is mothering, jean size, or any other issue that comes up. How do we help? Do we look and judge? I know that is why I hide my fears and only show them to my husband. I don't want to be looked down on. Let's stop hiding! Let's use our self esteem issues to grow and help others. God has shown me that I'm not perfect but He created me for HIS workmanship, not for my own fears and pride. Let's encourage one another and not judge. What a lesson to me. I was not put on this Earth to point out others' imperfection to them or to perfect myself. I was put on this Earth to encourage and serve our Lord. After all, there is no perfect woman.
Hebrews 10
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
On The Radio
Thank you Wende at 88.7 The Bridge for sharing my story. How awesome to hear my words put out there!
Since I'm not tech smart, this is the only way I could figure out how to add audio to my blog...copy and paste the link below and click on download and the link for the radio segment should start playing, it's in mp3 form.
https://sites.google.com/site/infertilitymedia/infertilitymp3
Since I'm not tech smart, this is the only way I could figure out how to add audio to my blog...copy and paste the link below and click on download and the link for the radio segment should start playing, it's in mp3 form.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The "I" Word
A while ago I wrote a blog on what not to say to foster parents. Well this blog is an equally cautious post of mine on the "I" word...infertility. That ugly word that people don't ever want to say and avoid at all costs. That word that if it is part of your life will stay there forever but you can't talk to too many people about it because it makes so many people uncomfortable. The word that will make people always feel sorry for you even if you don't want the pity. However the people that do want to talk about it are usually people you aren't that close to and they ask the questions you don't want to answer.
Questions Not to Ask or Statements Not to Make:
1. Why can't you have kids?
First off I really don't think you will understand the medical terminology behind it and it's more
complicated and detailed than I think you really want to hear. So I will just answer with..."for
several reasons and it's complicated."
2. Is it because of you or him?
Another question that basically is none of your business and I will leave it at that.
3. That's my worst fear.
Thank you, I'm glad that I'm living your nightmare and that you are thinking of yourself through
my pain.
4. Wait till you adopt, then it will happen.
As often as you hear about this happening it really is not that common and I don't go into adoption
with that being my goal.
5. I can't imagine not being able to carry my own child
Again, how sensitive of you to add this thought to my life...I hadn't thought of that.
Along with the annoyances listed above I've had several blessings along this path of life called infertility. I have the most beautiful children in the world that I could possibly imagine living in my home. I'm sorry but I can't even imagine an image of what our biological children could have looked like measuring up to the beauty of my kids. (Pride now being taken into check) Another amazing blessing has been that friends have been able to come to me with their struggles of trying to get pregnant and I can feel their fears and give them what little words of wisdom I have and can be a person for them to confide in. I rejoice with them when those prayed for children come along and I can pray for them when they don't want anyone else to know the pain of what is going on. What a blessing God has given me.
I am delighted with the life God has given me and I would love to talk to any women who are struggling with infertility or just simply haven't been able to get pregnant and don't know what the next step is. Why are we not educated on this? Please, please, stop asking those wives who have been married a year or two when they are going to have a baby. If it's been awhile since they've been married they may be trying to get pregnant and don't want to share that with anyone and that question just brings up the pain of waiting. I know I didn't want to share this with too many people.
It is still painful at times. For example my husband and I were recently watching a movie where one of the main characters was unable to be pregnant and another one had a miscarriage. All of a sudden those raw emotions came back to me. Emotions that I thought were long gone came out in sobs and anguish. But most days I don't think about it and I'm not sad I don't have that biological child because the children I have are where they are meant to be. With me and my husband, their parents. So don't feel sorry for me. Praise God for his blessings!!
And I will finish this again with this, if you have said these things to me please don't apologize because I'm not upset or angry, just trying to put my thoughts out there.
Questions Not to Ask or Statements Not to Make:
1. Why can't you have kids?
First off I really don't think you will understand the medical terminology behind it and it's more
complicated and detailed than I think you really want to hear. So I will just answer with..."for
several reasons and it's complicated."
2. Is it because of you or him?
Another question that basically is none of your business and I will leave it at that.
3. That's my worst fear.
Thank you, I'm glad that I'm living your nightmare and that you are thinking of yourself through
my pain.
4. Wait till you adopt, then it will happen.
As often as you hear about this happening it really is not that common and I don't go into adoption
with that being my goal.
5. I can't imagine not being able to carry my own child
Again, how sensitive of you to add this thought to my life...I hadn't thought of that.
Along with the annoyances listed above I've had several blessings along this path of life called infertility. I have the most beautiful children in the world that I could possibly imagine living in my home. I'm sorry but I can't even imagine an image of what our biological children could have looked like measuring up to the beauty of my kids. (Pride now being taken into check) Another amazing blessing has been that friends have been able to come to me with their struggles of trying to get pregnant and I can feel their fears and give them what little words of wisdom I have and can be a person for them to confide in. I rejoice with them when those prayed for children come along and I can pray for them when they don't want anyone else to know the pain of what is going on. What a blessing God has given me.
I am delighted with the life God has given me and I would love to talk to any women who are struggling with infertility or just simply haven't been able to get pregnant and don't know what the next step is. Why are we not educated on this? Please, please, stop asking those wives who have been married a year or two when they are going to have a baby. If it's been awhile since they've been married they may be trying to get pregnant and don't want to share that with anyone and that question just brings up the pain of waiting. I know I didn't want to share this with too many people.
It is still painful at times. For example my husband and I were recently watching a movie where one of the main characters was unable to be pregnant and another one had a miscarriage. All of a sudden those raw emotions came back to me. Emotions that I thought were long gone came out in sobs and anguish. But most days I don't think about it and I'm not sad I don't have that biological child because the children I have are where they are meant to be. With me and my husband, their parents. So don't feel sorry for me. Praise God for his blessings!!
And I will finish this again with this, if you have said these things to me please don't apologize because I'm not upset or angry, just trying to put my thoughts out there.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Pinterest, I Hate You!
If I'm ever tempted to try something crafty anytime soon please someone remind me to never think I am crafty or that I should even try crafty things anytime in the future. Becky homecky I am not. So I decided that it was time to redo S's room. The room he has been in was our storage room and we got the kids so quick that we never did anything to it and it was starting to depress me. So I decided as much as S loves sports that a sports theme room would be perfect, so of course I turned to Pinterest. See pics below, my inspiration.
I saw this baseball dresser on Pinterest and thought, perfect! So I bought an old dresser and today I set to work. I had taped off the part for the seams (is that what they're called?) and set to painting. I started off using spray paint, umm can we say streaky and looking like tie dye? So I went and got a roller to even things out. Of course I pick a ruined roller that somehow made the drawer bumpy and awful looking. So I decided to leave the drawer alone Raph could help me fix it later. I moved on to the next drawers and decided to spray paint and then use a brush with other white paint over the spray paint. Worked good on the next drawer except I didn't let the spray paint dry first so again, clumpy. After a very frustrated call to husband I decided to call it quits and he will help me with it later.
To top it all off all three boys were outside playing which I thought would make it very easy to get this done because they love playing outside. Well S decided to make this a frustrate mommy day and came into the garage over and over to ask me any question he could think of, throw fits and refused to stay away from the wet dresser. So mommy blew a fuse and yelled and then apologized and prayed that the rest of the day would go better and her anger would stay in check. We all moved inside and things didn't get any better. All the kids continued to throw fits and after lunch I quick put them to bed and decided to move on to the bedroom.
First off we had painted three of S's walls a pretty bright blue. The fourth wall was going to be that snazzy football pictured. Easy right? Well I am miss impatient and husband has been super busy at work and tired when he gets home and he helped me do the other three walls the other night so I decided to do the football wall by myself. First off I don't think I've ever had to cut before (that is what it's called right? going around the edges?), husband always does that. So I started off doing that and let's just say it was not up to par. So, frustrated again I got down from the chair I was standing on and felt my foot hit something. I could have cried. Here I had knocked over the paint and before I got to it half of the can had spilled onto the sheet. Have you ever seen half a can of paint spilled? It is a mess!! It was already starting to go through the sheet onto the carpet so I quick rolled the sheet up, wiped up the paint on the floor and headed down to the laundry room to rinse out the sheet. Have you ever tried to rinse half a can of paint out of a sheet? Again, a mess! I had to ring that sheet out over and over and over and thought I finally had most of it out. Brown paint was pretty much all over my laundry room and the sheet dripped brown as I took it outside to hang it up praying that it would just dry. My feet were brown, my hands were brown, the floor was brown.
I think next time I redo a room I will paint all four walls the same color and make sure Raph is there to help me. And Ikea seems like a good place to get simple furniture instead of trying to be crafty. I'm still not sure what's going to happen to that wall or that dresser. For now I will sit on the couch and not touch anything to do with paint, furniture, or walls.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
My Aim
Some mornings I have to sit down and look at my life and try to figure out how I can be a better person/mother/wife/friend/sister. So many days I feel like such a failure. I get angry too fast. I am too impatient with those around me. I'm selfish in what I want. How do I change that? I turn to God. This morning I decided to do a double whammy of what I want to be and looked to the Bible.
Whammy#1
Proverbs 31
10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Whammy#2
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
God I can't do this life without your help. I want to be full of love and show that in every aspect of my life and every step of my walk. I want to do good and not harm. I want to be patient. Help me.
Whammy#1
Proverbs 31
10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Whammy#2
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
God I can't do this life without your help. I want to be full of love and show that in every aspect of my life and every step of my walk. I want to do good and not harm. I want to be patient. Help me.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
What Not To Say To Foster Parents
This blog is in no way meant to offend. If you have said these things to me don't apologize because I know it was not meant to hurt or offend. This is for future reference with other foster parents and yes even with me. These things may not annoy/hurt all other foster parents but these are a list of what bothers me. I have been thinking of writing this for awhile and have read other blogs on this but couldn't quite get the nerve to do it because I really am not angry at anyone and I really don't want to offend anyone but have decided this can be educational
What Not to Say to a Foster Parent
1. I could never be a foster parent, I would get too attached
First off yes I do get attached. I got attached way before the possibility of adopting our foster children was even mentioned. When this is said it makes me wonder if people are thinking I'm heartless because how else could I possibly take in children that may not be able to stay. And yes you could do it. You have to get over your fear of losing children and think of the children you could help. My heart feels like it is getting ripped out of my chest when I think of these kids leaving and I know I would probably fall into depression if they did leave so for now I won't think on this.
2. Are they your kids?
This is usually said by strangers. First of all look at me, look at my husband, do these kids look like they are our biological children? Umm no. Secondly it's none of your business. And lastly I will say yes if for no other reason but because my oldest is extremely smart and hears everything said and he will not hear "No they aren't ours" out of my mouth. They are MY children. I just don't know for how long
3. Every kid acts like that
Again I'm aware that when you see my child throwing a tantrum and me getting extremely frustrated you can say every kid acts like that but you don't know the background of these children and that doesn't make me feel better. I have taken classes on foster children. There is more behind their bad behavior than your child who is screaming because they didn't get there way. You also don't know what has happened in the past with their behavior and what happens in my home day in and day out. You don't know some of the behavior stems from being moved out of their last home, and the home before that, and the home before that. I am aware that two year olds throw tantrums. I am aware that my two year old will probably some day need counseling because of his past. I am aware that having three young children throwing tantrums can push me to the edge of my sanity and this comment may push me over
4. You get paid to keep them right?
Yes I do get some monthly money for these kids. Does it cover all their expenses? No. Am I making money off of them? No. When I hear stories of people taking foster children for the money I really wonder how they do that because frankly the money is not enough to cover expenses for them. I'm not asking for more, I'm not complaining. Just letting you know I don't make money off of them. Again with this question...it's none of your business.
5. How long do you get to keep them?
Easy answer "I don't know." For my close friends I will go into detail of all the legal steps it takes with our particular children but with most foster children you don't always know. You may have them a month. You may have them for a year and think you will get to adopt them just to have them taken away. You never know. I won't feel secure until a court date making them legally mine happens.
On that note I will close and go pray that no one takes this the wrong way.
What Not to Say to a Foster Parent
1. I could never be a foster parent, I would get too attached
First off yes I do get attached. I got attached way before the possibility of adopting our foster children was even mentioned. When this is said it makes me wonder if people are thinking I'm heartless because how else could I possibly take in children that may not be able to stay. And yes you could do it. You have to get over your fear of losing children and think of the children you could help. My heart feels like it is getting ripped out of my chest when I think of these kids leaving and I know I would probably fall into depression if they did leave so for now I won't think on this.
2. Are they your kids?
This is usually said by strangers. First of all look at me, look at my husband, do these kids look like they are our biological children? Umm no. Secondly it's none of your business. And lastly I will say yes if for no other reason but because my oldest is extremely smart and hears everything said and he will not hear "No they aren't ours" out of my mouth. They are MY children. I just don't know for how long
3. Every kid acts like that
Again I'm aware that when you see my child throwing a tantrum and me getting extremely frustrated you can say every kid acts like that but you don't know the background of these children and that doesn't make me feel better. I have taken classes on foster children. There is more behind their bad behavior than your child who is screaming because they didn't get there way. You also don't know what has happened in the past with their behavior and what happens in my home day in and day out. You don't know some of the behavior stems from being moved out of their last home, and the home before that, and the home before that. I am aware that two year olds throw tantrums. I am aware that my two year old will probably some day need counseling because of his past. I am aware that having three young children throwing tantrums can push me to the edge of my sanity and this comment may push me over
4. You get paid to keep them right?
Yes I do get some monthly money for these kids. Does it cover all their expenses? No. Am I making money off of them? No. When I hear stories of people taking foster children for the money I really wonder how they do that because frankly the money is not enough to cover expenses for them. I'm not asking for more, I'm not complaining. Just letting you know I don't make money off of them. Again with this question...it's none of your business.
5. How long do you get to keep them?
Easy answer "I don't know." For my close friends I will go into detail of all the legal steps it takes with our particular children but with most foster children you don't always know. You may have them a month. You may have them for a year and think you will get to adopt them just to have them taken away. You never know. I won't feel secure until a court date making them legally mine happens.
On that note I will close and go pray that no one takes this the wrong way.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Keeping Perspective
Tonight was one of those nights again. S was especially sassy and talking back. K was constantly telling us no. To top it all off I wasn't feeling good and was trying to get the house somewhat presentable since we just go back from vacation yesterday and have case workers coming in the morning. Bedtime for the boys couldn't come soon enough.
Bedtime went pretty smoothly but about 45 minutes after we put them in K started crying. It wasn't his "I wanna go play cry" it was his "scared/sad cry." I went back and checked on him and he was scared of something invisible on the floor. I got him calmed down and convinced him there was nothing to be scared of and came back to the living room. Somehow husband and I started talking about the first night these littlemonsters blessings came into our lives. We can still picture there scared little faces as they sat on the couch and stared at these strange people they didn't know. Heart breaking to remember.
K was the first one to get down and explore the stash of toys. L sat there with stickers on his chubby little face and big eyes looking around. S was content to sit with the worker and not make eye contact. They were all wearing oversized clothes and looked a little on the grungy side. When it was time for the workers to leave S and L started crying. I won't forget the male worker getting down on S's level and telling him he will be back to visit and he's the man now and needs to help take care of the others. And soon the workers were gone. What do we do now? All of a sudden we have these little people looking up at us and we feel pretty lost as to what to do with them. Husband ran out and got diapers and underwear. Brother-in-law brought us pizza and sippy cups and other things I would not have thought of for little kids. And then we were on our own.
Thinking back on that first night makes my heart ache. It makes the temper tantrums and talking back more understandable. It makes the hitting, kicking, and pinching more bearable. It makes my heart melt all over again. Some days I forget. I forget that our kids are not technically OURS. I forget about their past and that they had one before they were with us. But looking back at the pictures of that night and talking about it brings it all back. They have gone through so much.
After all the talk I go back to check on S not so secretly hoping he's still awake so I can get some snuggling in. He is awake and I can't help but pick him up and squeeze him tight and he squeezes back eagerly taking in the extra attention. He looks up at me and asks what I'm doing with those big brown eyes. "Just checking on you" We have a little talk and he asks questions about things I can't share but it makes me realize he is also remembering back. He is also sad. I get him happy again by telling him if he wakes up and daddy is gone he can crawl in bed with mommy. Not so secretly I again hope that he wakes up early so I can get in some more snuggle time.
In times of frustration and days of stress I need to look back and remember. On days I feel like a failure I need to remember so that I can try harder. Remember so that my heart can soften and my tongue in turn will soften to my little blessings.
Bedtime went pretty smoothly but about 45 minutes after we put them in K started crying. It wasn't his "I wanna go play cry" it was his "scared/sad cry." I went back and checked on him and he was scared of something invisible on the floor. I got him calmed down and convinced him there was nothing to be scared of and came back to the living room. Somehow husband and I started talking about the first night these little
K was the first one to get down and explore the stash of toys. L sat there with stickers on his chubby little face and big eyes looking around. S was content to sit with the worker and not make eye contact. They were all wearing oversized clothes and looked a little on the grungy side. When it was time for the workers to leave S and L started crying. I won't forget the male worker getting down on S's level and telling him he will be back to visit and he's the man now and needs to help take care of the others. And soon the workers were gone. What do we do now? All of a sudden we have these little people looking up at us and we feel pretty lost as to what to do with them. Husband ran out and got diapers and underwear. Brother-in-law brought us pizza and sippy cups and other things I would not have thought of for little kids. And then we were on our own.
Thinking back on that first night makes my heart ache. It makes the temper tantrums and talking back more understandable. It makes the hitting, kicking, and pinching more bearable. It makes my heart melt all over again. Some days I forget. I forget that our kids are not technically OURS. I forget about their past and that they had one before they were with us. But looking back at the pictures of that night and talking about it brings it all back. They have gone through so much.
After all the talk I go back to check on S not so secretly hoping he's still awake so I can get some snuggling in. He is awake and I can't help but pick him up and squeeze him tight and he squeezes back eagerly taking in the extra attention. He looks up at me and asks what I'm doing with those big brown eyes. "Just checking on you" We have a little talk and he asks questions about things I can't share but it makes me realize he is also remembering back. He is also sad. I get him happy again by telling him if he wakes up and daddy is gone he can crawl in bed with mommy. Not so secretly I again hope that he wakes up early so I can get in some more snuggle time.
In times of frustration and days of stress I need to look back and remember. On days I feel like a failure I need to remember so that I can try harder. Remember so that my heart can soften and my tongue in turn will soften to my little blessings.
Monday, July 15, 2013
A Man Takes a Wife
My life isn't all serious and sad regardless of what my previous posts might make it sound like. I've been determined not to constantly be putting on the cute things my kids say because I don't want to be "that 'person" but this one I can't resist and I don't want to forget the silly things of life.
Today I was sitting on the couch with my three year old S. Randomly we started discussing his future. I told him when he gets older he will marry a girl and then he won't live with mommy and daddy anymore, he will have a house all of his own.
He looked at me curiously, "Who that girl?"
I explained that he might not have met her yet.
"Annie or Ava?" he asked.
"No, they are your cousins. You can't marry your cousins. Someone else that you might meet when your older."
"Where I meet her? McDonalds?"
"I sure hope not!"
Today I was sitting on the couch with my three year old S. Randomly we started discussing his future. I told him when he gets older he will marry a girl and then he won't live with mommy and daddy anymore, he will have a house all of his own.
He looked at me curiously, "Who that girl?"
I explained that he might not have met her yet.
"Annie or Ava?" he asked.
"No, they are your cousins. You can't marry your cousins. Someone else that you might meet when your older."
"Where I meet her? McDonalds?"
"I sure hope not!"
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
My First Son
When I was 20 I ventured down to a beautiful little country called Jamaica. A country rich with culture and full of new adventures. A country that stole my heart. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew as long as I could remember I felt called to work in an orphanage. I was beyond excited and a little petrified as I said good-bye to all I had ever known, all of my family and friends. I had committed to 6 months and that seemed like long enough to me. So down I went and started working in a little orphanage full of children that were longing for love and before I knew it my heart was lost to them forever. One boy in particular grabbed my heart and has never let go. His name was Danny.
Danny was a little one year old boy when I got there and he was full of life and energy and yes he was naughty. :) I grew to love him more and more every week I was there and he quickly became "my Danny." Whenever I had the chance I would take him home for the weekend. I remember taking him back to my home and my house sisters teasing me about his boundless energy and naughtyness as he flew from room to room destroying everything in his path. Somehow he managed to poop on a mound of toys. But wow did I love him. When Sunday afternoon came and it was time to take him back to the orphange I could hardly stand leaving him there. Leaving him standing with tears streaming down his face and tantrum being thrown. All he wanted was love and I couldn't stand the thought of not rocking him to sleep, he was MY son.
My 6 months in Jamaica turned into a year. That whole year Danny was mine. I loved him as much as you can imagine loving any child and I sure was proud of him. As my year came to a close I didn't know how I was ever going to leave him behind. By now he was a two year old and understanding more and more. I was his favorite and I was his mother. I will never forget that last day at the orphanage as I took him off to say my good-byes. My heart was being ripped out of my chest and I ached for him. He wouldn't understand why I wasn't coming back and he would be abandoned. The guilt overwhelmed me and I spent night after night back in Ohio in my own bed tears streaming into my pillow and sobbing for my son. I knew it was time for me to leave Jamaica and I knew he was promised to another family but selfishly I wanted him for my own forever.
When I was back in the states I did my best to hide my ache for him but it never went away. Even five years later I would cry into my husband's arms as I longed for my little boy. I knew he had been adopted to a couple in Florida but I couldn't find any information on him or where he was. What I would do for glimpse of him. By now he would be a nine year old and probably has no memory of me.
When we started the fostering process I was talking to Raph one night about Danny and how I wanted a boy just like him. He wisely worried that if we did get a boy I would be disappointed because he wouldn't be "my Danny." But I still wanted a naughty little boy and hoped that he would fill that hole that Danny had left there. Well I got my naughty little boy. And joke's on me, I got three of them. I am so grateful that never once have I been disappointed that none of them are Danny and they have filled my heart more than I ever thought possible. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world and I pray that some day they will be my forever sons. But there is still that little hole there that I have discovered will never be filled. That hole left by my missing son. I trust that he is in the home that God wants and prepared for him. I pray that he is loved and is becoming a lover of Jesus. That is what keeps me going on nights like tonight when I ache for my first son.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Choices
I have decided this blog is good for me so that I can gain perspective on me and how to improve myself daily, ugly truths may come out.
This morning I was talking to S about choices. He woke up in a foul mood and 10 minutes into the morning I heard "Mommy, me done talking to you." Yes, my three year old again sounds like a teenager. His brothers wake up and he promptly yells at them and steals toys away from them. After putting him on the couch for a time out I sit down beside him and ask him why he's being so mean and grumpy. He answers that he doesn't know. So I explained to him that when we wake up grumpy we have to decide if we're going to change our attitude and be nice to people or if we're going to stay grumpy and be mean in which case he will be in time out most of the day.
As I was walking around cleaning up a million thoughts went through my brain. Do I make the right choices? So many times I don't. I choose to be angry and punish instead of being patient and looking for the core of the behavior. Yesterday I was so guilty of that. It was a day of a sick one year old with a 103 temp, potty training a two year old, and a three year old that would lie and connive all day. How did I respond? I chose to be angry and frustrated most of the day. I chose to yell at S when I was so tired of the lying that I didn't know what to do. I chose to let my bad day become worse because I had a bad attitude. Is this where S gets it? Does he watch me in my frustration and copy that?
Today I have to make that choice again if I'm going to let those frustrations take over my day today as well or am I going to learn from my bad decisions yesterday? Instead of looking at S and remembering the lying and the back talking I can remember the way he cared for L. I was sitting holding L on my lap almost sweating from his poor little hot body laying against me. S came up and asked if L was going to be ok and lays his head on my shoulder and strokes L's back humming "Be Still" to try and soothe him. I will remember the victory of K going an entire day of potty training with no accidents. And I will remember L starting to feel better and squealing "Daddy" with excitement as Raph walks through the door. I will remember S talking about his past at the dinner table. A past not with us. Is that the core of the behavior? I'm sure that plays a large part in it and his little confused brain.
I have a good life, I have a fulfilled life, I have to choose to remember that and make better choices with my attitude. Maybe then S will follow. With God's help and right choices I can be better. I will be better.
This morning I was talking to S about choices. He woke up in a foul mood and 10 minutes into the morning I heard "Mommy, me done talking to you." Yes, my three year old again sounds like a teenager. His brothers wake up and he promptly yells at them and steals toys away from them. After putting him on the couch for a time out I sit down beside him and ask him why he's being so mean and grumpy. He answers that he doesn't know. So I explained to him that when we wake up grumpy we have to decide if we're going to change our attitude and be nice to people or if we're going to stay grumpy and be mean in which case he will be in time out most of the day.
As I was walking around cleaning up a million thoughts went through my brain. Do I make the right choices? So many times I don't. I choose to be angry and punish instead of being patient and looking for the core of the behavior. Yesterday I was so guilty of that. It was a day of a sick one year old with a 103 temp, potty training a two year old, and a three year old that would lie and connive all day. How did I respond? I chose to be angry and frustrated most of the day. I chose to yell at S when I was so tired of the lying that I didn't know what to do. I chose to let my bad day become worse because I had a bad attitude. Is this where S gets it? Does he watch me in my frustration and copy that?
Today I have to make that choice again if I'm going to let those frustrations take over my day today as well or am I going to learn from my bad decisions yesterday? Instead of looking at S and remembering the lying and the back talking I can remember the way he cared for L. I was sitting holding L on my lap almost sweating from his poor little hot body laying against me. S came up and asked if L was going to be ok and lays his head on my shoulder and strokes L's back humming "Be Still" to try and soothe him. I will remember the victory of K going an entire day of potty training with no accidents. And I will remember L starting to feel better and squealing "Daddy" with excitement as Raph walks through the door. I will remember S talking about his past at the dinner table. A past not with us. Is that the core of the behavior? I'm sure that plays a large part in it and his little confused brain.
I have a good life, I have a fulfilled life, I have to choose to remember that and make better choices with my attitude. Maybe then S will follow. With God's help and right choices I can be better. I will be better.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
My Loves
Since my last blog was about my hates and frustration I decided that this blog would be about my loves.
1. God-Where would I be without Him? Seriously? I would be in a pit of depression and grief with no way out if it weren't for my heavenly father who rescues me day in and day out from my own selfishness and despairs. He fills me with a joy and love beyond my human understanding.
2. My Husband-God has blessed me with a man who knows me so well and would do anything in this world to make me happy. Ex. Move to Ohio, take in three boys, take the time to know my love languages and adore me with all my imperfections and annoyances, the list could go on and on. I have never been a good communicator and my husband may be the best around. I adore him and he adores me. I'm ok with getting old as long as this man is by my side.
3. My Boys-Yes they frustrate me and yes they make me want to tear my hair out 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I could cry at the sweetness of them. L wrapping his little chubby arms around my neck and squeezing as tight as he can, K asking me to lay beside him when I put him down for a nap and if he accidently hurts me patting my arm and saying "sowwy Mommy", S cuddling up beside me any time I sit down and telling me I look so good when I walk out in an outfit he's never seen before. What would I do without these terrors? They complete our home.
4. My Yoders and Yutzys-Our families could not be more opposite. When the Yoders get together we are a houseful of screaming children and try to get conversation in whenever we can. Yet we are a laid back people that can sit around and do nothing all weekend and love it. The Yutzys are a family full of passion and love. We are a crazy bunch that never has a dull moment and they open my eyes with there insights. Both Yoders and Yutzys are full of love and support and I can't imagine my life without any of them.
5. My Church-What a supportive group of prayers warriors that blow my mind all the time. When we got the boys what a rally of people we had behind us bringing us food, clothes, money, and support. Every Sunday I stand in awe of God as I sing my heart out to him and soak in the sermon.
6. Inside Out/College Group-These two groups often feel like a second family to me. Inside Out blesses me with the leaders who are beyond crazy and are an inspiration to me. The high schoolers shock my socks off so often with our talks at small groups, cardboard testimonies, and passion for life. With the college group I see those same high schoolers turn into responsible adults that are growing in knowledge and passion. They dote on our boys and our boys soak it up. Never a dull moment in either group.
7. My Friends-I do believe my friends are a step above the rest. They help keep me sane with coffee breaks randomly during the week and a text to ask how I'm doing. Once again when we got the boys they were the ones that came with bags and bags full of groceries. They volunteered to baby-sit one night so me and Raph could go on a date. They invite us out on the weekends and we gladly accept
I'm full of joy today and I plan on working on keeping that joy. When times get hard and I start to feel depressed I will have to look back at this entry and I'm sure it will smack me in the face. To all of you that are listed and those of you I forgot, THANK YOU!
1. God-Where would I be without Him? Seriously? I would be in a pit of depression and grief with no way out if it weren't for my heavenly father who rescues me day in and day out from my own selfishness and despairs. He fills me with a joy and love beyond my human understanding.
2. My Husband-God has blessed me with a man who knows me so well and would do anything in this world to make me happy. Ex. Move to Ohio, take in three boys, take the time to know my love languages and adore me with all my imperfections and annoyances, the list could go on and on. I have never been a good communicator and my husband may be the best around. I adore him and he adores me. I'm ok with getting old as long as this man is by my side.
3. My Boys-Yes they frustrate me and yes they make me want to tear my hair out 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I could cry at the sweetness of them. L wrapping his little chubby arms around my neck and squeezing as tight as he can, K asking me to lay beside him when I put him down for a nap and if he accidently hurts me patting my arm and saying "sowwy Mommy", S cuddling up beside me any time I sit down and telling me I look so good when I walk out in an outfit he's never seen before. What would I do without these terrors? They complete our home.
4. My Yoders and Yutzys-Our families could not be more opposite. When the Yoders get together we are a houseful of screaming children and try to get conversation in whenever we can. Yet we are a laid back people that can sit around and do nothing all weekend and love it. The Yutzys are a family full of passion and love. We are a crazy bunch that never has a dull moment and they open my eyes with there insights. Both Yoders and Yutzys are full of love and support and I can't imagine my life without any of them.
5. My Church-What a supportive group of prayers warriors that blow my mind all the time. When we got the boys what a rally of people we had behind us bringing us food, clothes, money, and support. Every Sunday I stand in awe of God as I sing my heart out to him and soak in the sermon.
6. Inside Out/College Group-These two groups often feel like a second family to me. Inside Out blesses me with the leaders who are beyond crazy and are an inspiration to me. The high schoolers shock my socks off so often with our talks at small groups, cardboard testimonies, and passion for life. With the college group I see those same high schoolers turn into responsible adults that are growing in knowledge and passion. They dote on our boys and our boys soak it up. Never a dull moment in either group.
7. My Friends-I do believe my friends are a step above the rest. They help keep me sane with coffee breaks randomly during the week and a text to ask how I'm doing. Once again when we got the boys they were the ones that came with bags and bags full of groceries. They volunteered to baby-sit one night so me and Raph could go on a date. They invite us out on the weekends and we gladly accept
I'm full of joy today and I plan on working on keeping that joy. When times get hard and I start to feel depressed I will have to look back at this entry and I'm sure it will smack me in the face. To all of you that are listed and those of you I forgot, THANK YOU!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I'm Tired
I'm Tired
Some days I just want to throw in the towel and today is one of those days. I'm not so much physically tired as emotionally tired. I'm tired of hearing from my three year old "Mom, me might get mad", "Mom, me might punch you in the face", and worst of all in a sing songy voice "Mom, me hate you." I know he doesn't mean the words and he doesn't even know what hate means because a lot of times it's followed by "me don't like you either." But he knows the words hurt and he wants to hurt me.
My three year old, "S", has issues. Yes he is one adorable child. Yes he can be the sweetest snuggliest boy you have ever met and I love those things about him. I love that he comes and gives me huge hugs and tells me he loves me and that I'm his best friend. I love that he gives his little brother huge hugs and loves on him. I love his love of people and his nighttime prayers. I do not love the peeing on the floor on purpose, peeing on his brother's things on purpose, and the anger that is spewed my way. I don't love that S wants to hug random strangers and be picked up by people he has never seen before. I don't love that he is so starved for acceptance that he looks for it from anyone that gives him any attention and latches on until that person is overwhelmed. I don't love that if I give someone else one on one attention he gets so jealous that he gets mad, throws things, and screams.
Above all of these things I hate that S has had such a rough life that these emotions even come up. I hate that he knows what it's like to be moved around and hasn't had a steady love from two parents for long periods of time. I hate that he's already looking out for #1 no matter the cost. And I hate that some days I look at him and don't see a three year old boy but I see a child that acts like he's thirteen and hates his life. I hate that some days I have no patience and have to ignore him and walk out of the room because I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to do. God forgive me, some days I just can't see his hurt and all I see is my frustration.
This morning in my devotional I read Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepard: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young"
Today I will cling to that and know that there are better days coming. I know that this scared three year old needs all the love we can give him and I pray God gives us the patience to see that every day and see past our hurt, anger, and frustration. I will cling to that prayer that S spoke one night, "God don't take me from this house." There is hope and God will see all of us through. There are good days and there are bad days. Today is a bad day but I will wait for that good one to come through and do what I can in the meantime.
So if you see my three year old and he chooses you to cling to please see more that just the clingyness and cuteness. See that he needs love and affection. Help us be a light to him.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Our Leap
I will never forget sitting in church one Sunday and the sermon was on Peter walking with Jesus. Not really about Peter but the rest of the disciples. Why did they stay in the boat? If we were in that boat would we have the faith to take that step out onto the water like Peter or would we stay in the safety of the boat?
Before that sermon Raph and I had tried for over a year to get pregnant. No luck. Finally I went to the gynocologist and we ran tests and through a variety of tests we found that the chances of us getting pregnant without running more tests and doing who knows what else were very very slim. We decided to stop with the testing and move on to the next step. You see we had a plan. Fostering was always part of the plan but it was step B not step A. Step A was having one or two biological children and then years after that our step B was fostering. Did we ask God about these steps? No. Did we feel good about our plan? Yes. Well God had other plans. It was hard to understand through the heartbreak of letting go of that dream. Through not knowing what little Raph and Reginas would look like. Through people asking when we were going to start having kids and knowing that it wasn't likely.
Fast forward to that Sunday. We had been trying to decide what to do. We lived in a small apartment where we didn't want any children but a newborn living in. So we were looking for a place to rent because I didn't feel comfortable buying. We had struggled financially during the beginning of our marriage and we were finally doing good. I didn't want to give that up. My husband is wiser than me. Through prayer and searching we finally started looking for a house. We decided to take that step of faith. We found the house of my dreams. Put in an offer. They accepted the offer. Boom! They had someone else offer more so they dropped ours. Once again I was wondering where God was. "God if we can't have biological children can't we at least have this dream house?" So we started our search again. God answers. God provided a house that wasn't even on the market, was cheaper, and a much smarter move. We took it.
A few months after we moved we started the fostering process. They gave us 6 months to complete the training and home study. We were done in 3. We said we would take two children ages three and under which is what we were comfortable with. Once again God had other plans. We endured months of waiting for the call and frustration and many tears from me of still not having children. Wondering why there are so many children that need homes and here we sit waiting. Finally we got the call. My heart was racing when they told us they had children they wanted us to consider. Only there weren't two, there was three. "God this was not our plan" God said "LEAP!" Fears were there and prayers went up and I wanted those three little boys with all my heart. Husband agreed and we said yes. Into our lives walk three little adorable boys (we will call them S, K, and L) that instantly filled that hole in my heart. That hole that had been there ever since I left my kids in Jamaica 7 years before. God filled that hole and allowed me to have children to pour my love into. My husband became an amazing father and our families welcomed them with open arms. Life sure hasn't been easy and we have questioned God and wondered why can't we have the easy life. I will never forget the words my husband shared with me. He was driving down the road one day thinking of how life has changed and how hard it is when three kids come into your life in one huge swoop. He felt God telling him "I haven't called you to the easy life"
We don't know how long we will have these three boys and my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest when I think of them leaving. But I do know God doesn't always call us to the easy life and we aren't always called to step out of the boat but sometimes we are called to leap. I hope I never miss that opportunity to take that leap.
I will leave you with these verses that dear friends have shared with me:
Isaiah 60: 4-5
"Your sons will come from afar, your little daughters will be carried home, then your eyes will shine and your heart will swell with joy"
Psalm 113:9
"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."
Praise the Lord!
I will never forget sitting in church one Sunday and the sermon was on Peter walking with Jesus. Not really about Peter but the rest of the disciples. Why did they stay in the boat? If we were in that boat would we have the faith to take that step out onto the water like Peter or would we stay in the safety of the boat?
Before that sermon Raph and I had tried for over a year to get pregnant. No luck. Finally I went to the gynocologist and we ran tests and through a variety of tests we found that the chances of us getting pregnant without running more tests and doing who knows what else were very very slim. We decided to stop with the testing and move on to the next step. You see we had a plan. Fostering was always part of the plan but it was step B not step A. Step A was having one or two biological children and then years after that our step B was fostering. Did we ask God about these steps? No. Did we feel good about our plan? Yes. Well God had other plans. It was hard to understand through the heartbreak of letting go of that dream. Through not knowing what little Raph and Reginas would look like. Through people asking when we were going to start having kids and knowing that it wasn't likely.
Fast forward to that Sunday. We had been trying to decide what to do. We lived in a small apartment where we didn't want any children but a newborn living in. So we were looking for a place to rent because I didn't feel comfortable buying. We had struggled financially during the beginning of our marriage and we were finally doing good. I didn't want to give that up. My husband is wiser than me. Through prayer and searching we finally started looking for a house. We decided to take that step of faith. We found the house of my dreams. Put in an offer. They accepted the offer. Boom! They had someone else offer more so they dropped ours. Once again I was wondering where God was. "God if we can't have biological children can't we at least have this dream house?" So we started our search again. God answers. God provided a house that wasn't even on the market, was cheaper, and a much smarter move. We took it.
A few months after we moved we started the fostering process. They gave us 6 months to complete the training and home study. We were done in 3. We said we would take two children ages three and under which is what we were comfortable with. Once again God had other plans. We endured months of waiting for the call and frustration and many tears from me of still not having children. Wondering why there are so many children that need homes and here we sit waiting. Finally we got the call. My heart was racing when they told us they had children they wanted us to consider. Only there weren't two, there was three. "God this was not our plan" God said "LEAP!" Fears were there and prayers went up and I wanted those three little boys with all my heart. Husband agreed and we said yes. Into our lives walk three little adorable boys (we will call them S, K, and L) that instantly filled that hole in my heart. That hole that had been there ever since I left my kids in Jamaica 7 years before. God filled that hole and allowed me to have children to pour my love into. My husband became an amazing father and our families welcomed them with open arms. Life sure hasn't been easy and we have questioned God and wondered why can't we have the easy life. I will never forget the words my husband shared with me. He was driving down the road one day thinking of how life has changed and how hard it is when three kids come into your life in one huge swoop. He felt God telling him "I haven't called you to the easy life"
We don't know how long we will have these three boys and my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest when I think of them leaving. But I do know God doesn't always call us to the easy life and we aren't always called to step out of the boat but sometimes we are called to leap. I hope I never miss that opportunity to take that leap.
I will leave you with these verses that dear friends have shared with me:
Isaiah 60: 4-5
"Your sons will come from afar, your little daughters will be carried home, then your eyes will shine and your heart will swell with joy"
Psalm 113:9
"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."
Praise the Lord!
Monday, May 13, 2013
A New Kind of Mothers Day
So I have decided to join the word of blogging. I'm not good with words but I have so many thoughts flying through my head that I decided to give it a go.
Yesterday was my first Mothers Day as a mom. I know Mothers Day is meant to honor moms and all they do for us. I do have one amazing mom that is the most self sacrificing people I have ever known. She does so much for me and is always there for me when I need her and I am forever grateful for that. Then there is my mother-in-law. She is also one amazing woman who is giving and kind and goes out of her way to help people. They have bother challenged me and taught me so much.
Like I said I understand that Mothers Day is made to honor mothers but yesterday it meant something new for me. I remember last year Mothers Day was very rough for me. We had struggled with infertility and were still childless and I desperately wanted to be a mom. Mothers day was a reminder to me that I wasn't and I felt selfish for thinking of myself on a day like that but it was so hard. I will never forget a woman from church coming up to me and telling me she was praying for me and she understands it must be a hard day for me. This simple understanding blessed me beyond compare.
This Mothers Day I got to go to church with my 3 little men and receive roses from them with there bright proud faces and soak in all there is to motherhood. I got hugs and kisses and sticky fingers were all over my face but I love it. I couldn't help but wonder if the other moms around me understood the gift they have been given. I know I probably wouldn't have if I wouldn't have had to fight through infertility, foster classes, and months of waiting for these boys. Motherhood is such a gift. We get to pour love into little people, teach them, and be adored in return. I know being a mom isn't all glitz and glamour and sure is hard when they don't adore us but detest us but it is still one of the most wonderful gifts I have been given.
I don't know how long I will be a mother. That's part of the business of being a foster parent. Next year I could be without my boys and grieving again. But as for this Mothers Day, I soaked it up and praised God for the beautiful gift he has given me.
So I have decided to join the word of blogging. I'm not good with words but I have so many thoughts flying through my head that I decided to give it a go.
Yesterday was my first Mothers Day as a mom. I know Mothers Day is meant to honor moms and all they do for us. I do have one amazing mom that is the most self sacrificing people I have ever known. She does so much for me and is always there for me when I need her and I am forever grateful for that. Then there is my mother-in-law. She is also one amazing woman who is giving and kind and goes out of her way to help people. They have bother challenged me and taught me so much.
Like I said I understand that Mothers Day is made to honor mothers but yesterday it meant something new for me. I remember last year Mothers Day was very rough for me. We had struggled with infertility and were still childless and I desperately wanted to be a mom. Mothers day was a reminder to me that I wasn't and I felt selfish for thinking of myself on a day like that but it was so hard. I will never forget a woman from church coming up to me and telling me she was praying for me and she understands it must be a hard day for me. This simple understanding blessed me beyond compare.
This Mothers Day I got to go to church with my 3 little men and receive roses from them with there bright proud faces and soak in all there is to motherhood. I got hugs and kisses and sticky fingers were all over my face but I love it. I couldn't help but wonder if the other moms around me understood the gift they have been given. I know I probably wouldn't have if I wouldn't have had to fight through infertility, foster classes, and months of waiting for these boys. Motherhood is such a gift. We get to pour love into little people, teach them, and be adored in return. I know being a mom isn't all glitz and glamour and sure is hard when they don't adore us but detest us but it is still one of the most wonderful gifts I have been given.
I don't know how long I will be a mother. That's part of the business of being a foster parent. Next year I could be without my boys and grieving again. But as for this Mothers Day, I soaked it up and praised God for the beautiful gift he has given me.
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