Forever

Forever: without ever ending; eternally

Last Monday was a special day. Our three little men became officially ours, forever. The joy of that moment is something I will remember all of my days. Through this whole journey called fostering there have been days I thought our adoption day would never come. These three boys have been "mine" since the day they stepped into our lives. Their personalities fit so well into our lives that it amazes me.

Receiving the official paperwork stating that our kids are OURS is another life moment I will never forget. That just happened today. For as special as the actual court day was and already knowing they're ours, seeing it on paper is still beyond thrilling. Never take your children for granted. Living a year and a half with the fear of having my children taken has forever changed me and looking back I am now grateful for how God has changed my heart. He has shown me grace when I don't deserve it, taught me patience when I didn't want to learn it, and shown me that He has so much more for me than I ever dreamed. I can mark this down as another miracle God has granted us.

James 1:2-8
 My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, ³ because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. ⁴ Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. ⁵ But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. ⁶ But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. ^7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord

Those verses have been my life motto the past year. It has opened parts of my heart that I had closed, brought back hope that I thought was lost, and helped me to hold on to God when I couldn't feel Him anymore. Don't be afraid to dream big and pray for miracles. God is still performing miracles today. I'm not done praying and trusting.

Officially introducing Simon, Liam, and Franklin. Our miracles.

A Father

What is a father? Too many men seem to think donating sperm is what makes you a father. It doesn't. Blood has nothing to do with it. Heart does.
This blog is a bragging session on the man that is the father to my children so prepare yourself. My husband is a special kind of man. He didn't feel called to foster right away but his wife did so we did it. He wanted one child at a time but his wife wanted two so we signed on for two. We got three. Did he do this because I "wear the pants?" No, he did it because he loves me and trusts my calling from God.
 I remember having a fear that when the going got tough with our three little men my husband would look at me and say, "you made me do it." The going has been rough many times and I have never heard anything even close to that out of my husband's mouth. In the early days he looked at me with tears in his eyes wondering if he could do it. God knew he could. How I worry for nothing. Our boys are his sons. He will fight for them with all he has. This I know.
My husband is a true "father to the fatherless" and thanks to him and our heavenly Father they are fatherless no more.  He loves our boys with a reckless abandon that melts my heart into a puddle. He wrestles with them, tickles them, plays sports with them, tells them Bible stories, prays with them, and their favorite thing is he plays the guitar for them and sings to them. The list could go on and on. He is a special man with a bigger heart than anyone I have met. Our boys adore their father and so do I. The joy I see in their interaction is a beautiful thing. He challenges me to be a better parent.
To all the fathers out there that are this kind of father to their children....a job well done!

Wrecked Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day of celebration. I have been incredibly blessed to have an amazing mom and mother-in-law in my life that show a true example of what it means to be an amazing mom. I have sisters, sisters-in-law, and friends that challenge me to be a better mother by the example they show me.
Yesterday I had a different mother on my mind. The birth mother of my beautiful children. Throughout the day she kept popping up in my head and I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing. Was she missing the children she gave birth to? I'm sure she was. Was she angry, sad, happy with the life she has? My heart ached for her and I also felt a sense of loss for my boys. This year they are too young to think of their birth mother but I'm sure some day they will wonder the same things I wondered. My heart aches for them. I pray they will have a peace and will be grateful for the woman that gave birth to them and most of all will feel the presence of God in their lives.
Yesterday my sister received a beautiful voicemail from her daughter's birth mother wishing her a happy Mother's Day through tears. My boys and I will never have that gift. I wish they could have that gift. I feel a sense of loss for that. I truly know that God knows our hearts and feels that loss right with me and will feel it with my boys as well.
Wrecked. That is the one word that kept coming to my mind yesterday. I am wrecked of ever having a "normal" Mother's Day. But I'm ok with that. God teaches me things through my wrecked days. Yesterday God gave me a compassion for a woman that I have no connection with except that she gave birth to my boys. I am grateful for that compassion that God has given me because it has replaced the anger I have felt towards her at times. I am grateful for Mother's Day and that I can not only have gratitude for my mother but also for a mother far away that through her loss has given me one my greatest gifts, the ability to be a mother.

Trust and Answered Prayers

There have been three large things that I've prayed for over a long stretch of time, years even. Those three things have been for children and the past year it has changed to asking for these three specific boys to be ours and the adoption to be finalized soon. The second thing has been for a ministry job for Raph. He has felt God's calling on his life to  ministry for quite awhile now and I've been praying that God would open the door and show us where Raph belongs. The third thing has been for our finances. We have struggled financially for a large part of our marriage and I have been praying that God would give us financial favor.
These three things are being answered. It is amazing after years of the same prayers and feeling like giving up, seeing the outcome on the other side. No the adoption is not finalized yet but we are getting closer. Raph has been given a part time youth ministry job at our church which is a dream come true. And our finances are finally getting under control. What a blessing all three of these things have been.
I was thinking on all of this after Raph got the job and how amazing it feels to have prayers answered. My guard started going up. I was praying and I asked "God when is the bottom going to drop out again?" I felt like things were going too good and something had to go wrong soon because God doesn't want us to have the easy life. I felt God speaking to me..."Trust!" I instantly felt rebuked. I knew how the disciples felt on the boat when they woke Jesus up during the storm and He said to them “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”

God isn't some thing up in the sky waiting to bring destruction on us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

There are so many verses on trusting God that I forget. He wants good things for us and I need to remember to rely on that. I am grateful for a God that pulls me through the hard times and reminds me in the good times not to be afraid of what may happen but to rely on him and lean on his goodness.

The "W" Word: Welfare

Beware of angry rant coming full steam ahead.
Welfare=lazy people that don't want to work so they take our tax paying money to get benefits so they can continue to stay at home and do nothing. We should do away with it and if you are too lazy to work than you shouldn't eat or you need to get off of drugs and get a job. True or false?
Let me just say if I hear that sentiment one more time I may scream. Yes I know there are people that take advantage of the system. We have all heard of the people in line at the grocery store using food stamps while they are holding their iphone. Honestly, I really don't care.
There are people that are starving in this country. They need help. No the government shouldn't be the ones taking care of these people, the church should. Is the church? Many people of the church are but most are not. Most of the people that are complaining about welfare are people in the church. So there is the answer. If we won't feed the starving someone else needs to and that someone right now is the government. I for one am glad that I'm not the person that makes the decision on who gets to eat and who doesn't.
Sorry child your daddy doesn't have a job so today you don't need to eat. Does this sound right? There are thousands of kids starving in this country. When I went to South Dakota on a mission trip to a reservation we fed a group of kids lunch and the five year old girl I was helping hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. My own children didn't get enough food to eat when they were younger. Their are teenagers in the foster system that still deal with food issues because they went hungry as children. This breaks my heart so much more than the thought of my tax money going to feed the "lazy people."
There are people that can't find a job and are desperate to feed their families. There are people dealing with addictions that I can't imagine facing. Where do we draw the line on who gets to eat? Sorry you are addicted to drugs and can't hold down a job so you don't get to eat. Why do we need to be the ones to judge? Why can't we have compassion instead of looking down our noses at those less fortunate than us. Why can't we be the ones feeding these people? Personally I would rather have two thousand people take advantage of the system than one person be starving.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.

My Mother's Rocking Chair

For those of you that don't know my mom I just have to tell you she is one amazing woman. I didn't always appreciate my mom especially during those fun teenage years. But I've grown to appreciate her so much over the past years and since we got the boys I appreciate her even more. If I need to vent during the day I call my mom. If I have a question about the boys I call my mom. If I have a question on cooking I call my mom. If I need a listening ear I call my mom. She watches the boys for me so often. I often feel like our relationship is all me taking and her giving and after my husband she is the one I lean on. I was sick yesterday and today and on days like today I appreciate her even more. She came out to my house and watched the boys so I could rest, nap, bathe, and she left us with a big pot of noodles on the stove. She is amazing. And let me tell you, my boys love my mom just as much as me.
One of the things my mom gave me after we first got the boys was one of her rocking chairs. I had been keeping an eye out for a cheap one but a nice cheap rocking chair is hard to find and money was tight. So my mom brought me one of hers. I have memories of being a child and having my mom rock me. I love those memories and they were memories I wanted to pass on to the foster children we received.
This week has been a rough week with our oldest one. His constant lying, blatant disobedience, and outright attitude towards me made my grace tank pretty empty as the end of the week was coming up. Tonight was no different and I sent him to bed early as the younger two stayed up to watch one more show. After I put him to bed I felt my heart start to soften a little as I left his room.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
Back I went to the youngest room and pulled that faithful rocking chair over. "You want me to rock you for awhile?" I asked him and he jumped right over. As I was rocking him and singing to him I felt him melt against me and my heart just melted. I had to think back to being rocked by my mom. I'm sure there was many many times that my mom rocked me and I have no memories of it. How many times had he been rocked before he came into our home? How many times had he been sung to? He can never get enough cuddles and hugs and I have to wonder how many cuddles and hugs he has received. I know it isn't nearly as many as I had by the time I was his age and it breaks my heart to picture him a lonely baby not getting the rocking and cuddling he needed.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!
As I rocked him I was amazed at how much he has grown in the short year we have had him. He is growing out of the toddler stage into the boy stage and it's harder and harder for me to hold him and rock him. I told him a long time ago that even when he is too big for me to pick up and carry around he will always have my lap to sit in. That has stuck with him and he often brings it up. Tonight I made myself a promise that I will rock him more often and will have more grace than I ever thought I could. God has sure shown me more grace than I deserve and this sweet boy deserves it more than me. I want him to feel the love I felt in my mother's rocking chair.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours!

Birthdays And Reflections

Tomorrow is my birthday and my mind had to float back to a year ago. One year ago on my birthday my husband took off of work and took me down to Columbus. We were still childless and I didn't have a job and I would cry so so many times willing that phone call to come saying we were getting children. So the trip to Columbus was a much needed break from all that time spent at home by myself waiting. Was it really only a year ago that those feelings were there?
Two days later we received the call. Asking us to take three little boys. We said yes! One day later that terrifyingly exciting day came when three gorgeous curly haired boys came into our home. I will never as long as I live forget the looks on their faces. Our now four year old Simon sitting on the couch taking peeks at us but not making eye contact. We could always tell he was wise beyond his years. Our now three year old Liam was the first to jump down and play and seemed so oblivious to what was going on. He was full of life from the start. Our now two year old Frankie sat there with tears in his eyes or crying the whole time. With chubs beyond compare and a double ear infection I just wanted to squish him and tell him it would all be ok.
How life has changed in the past year. The last few weeks I feel like Satan is really attacking me and I cry out to God every day to stop that attack. My patience with the boys is at an all time low. Frankie is teething and has become the bully to the other two and is not sleeping well. Yes our youngest can beat up the other two. Liam hates doing what he is told and if we tell him no, he has to do it at least one more time. Simon still doesn't trust us and lies and gives attitude like I've never seen. All of this has pushed me to my edge too many times. I snap and I fuss and I go to my room to calm myself and pray and cry and two seconds later the cycle repeats itself. So many days I feel like I live for bedtime so I can breathe. I am constantly exhausted.
I don't say this out of pity and I hope you don't judge me for it but because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. My thoughts today are this. Don't give up! My devotional this morning was on how patient Satan is. Whenever I think of Satan patience is not a characteristic that comes to mind but he is patient. He sits and waits for the perfect opportunity to drop those thoughts on us. "I can't do this anymore." "I'm a horrible mother!" "My prayers are falling on deaf ears so I might as well stop." I'm here to stand up and say "GET OUT SATAN, there is no room for you here!!!"
I can do this. God will get me through it and He is so much more powerful than Satan. He will give me patience and grace. He will give my sons protection and love. He will get us through this. I claim joy not discouragement. Better days will come and until then I will press on and fight the good fight (and look forward to naptime and bedtime). So if you see me being a grump and ready to kill someone, give me a kick in the butt and tell me to snap out of it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Once again my amazing husband is taking off of work and taking me to Columbus. This time my mom (who IS wonder woman by the way) will be here with my three boys. I am so looking forward to the break and please snow stay away! But I will also look forward to coming home to the blessings God has poured on me in the shape of three curly haired little boys that are full of life, spunk, and love. I told Simon today that tomorrow is my birthday and daddy was going to take me away for the day. He was so sad because he wanted to spend my birthday with me too. I am blessed to have family that gives me breaks, to have a husband that supports me through everything. I will never forget a few days after we got the boys and I was still in the excited stage and he was beyond overwhelmed. My husband looked at me sadly and said "I don't think I can do this." Now a year later he is the best father I have ever seen. The boys adore him and he adores them and now he doesn't know what he would do without them either. The past year has been good. I can't wait to see what the next year holds.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love. Psalms 5:11-12

Racism in Holmes County

This is a post I didn't want to write. A post I had to prayerfully consider and decide if I really wanted to put this out there but I couldn't get it out of my head. A subject that makes me sick to my stomach and so so angry. I had to pray for God to help me reign in my anger and do this in love. I will do my best to do just that.
Racism is something that I've always had a huge problem with. I've seen it so many times, heard so many jokes, and stupidly enough I thought our society was getting past this. It's hasn't and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will. I've never been one to sit quietly while people make racist jokes but now that I have non-Caucasian children the hairs on my neck stand even higher when this nasty talk comes out. If you want to see this mama bear standing at full attention racist talk is the way to do it.
Someone has made racist remarks to my husband and shortly after he showed them a picture of our children. Did that stop it? No! He had to again call them out on the racism. When I was getting ready to go down to Jamaica someone warned me to be careful because the people down there are really dark. Wow! There have been children on a playground who won't play with my African American niece because of the color of her skin. Where does this come from? The parents? If I had a dollar every time I heard someone saying immigrants should go back to their own country I think I'd be rich. Money problems? Over! Recently a very well respected Christian in our community retold a racist joke about Michelle Obama. Everyone laughed but one man in the room. This has sickened me to the very pit of my stomach and makes my eyes well up with tears? When will it stop? Racism is way too common! I know the Obamas are very hated in our area but that does not make racist comments ok. As Christians should we not set a better example than that?
This is my challenge....the next time someone makes a racist joke, comment, or remark in front of you stand up and say something. Speak out against this. It may be awkward, it may be scary, but something needs to be done. Sometimes a small thing like not laughing can make a difference. I do not want my children, my nieces, nephews, and any child to grow up in an area where racism is accepted. I know racism is everywhere but we can make a difference.
Edmund Burke — 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.'

Honesty, Openness. and Keeping Silent

Tonight I've been thinking a lot about honesty. The talk of honesty has come up today in three separate conversations with three different groups of people so I figured God must be trying to tell me something. There's so many levels of honesty that it's hard for me to wrap my head around it all so I will try to clear my thoughts.
The one conversation I had was on the front we put up. I know I've shared on this before but it is something I think about a lot. Where is that line between oversharing and helping? There is so much to this. Some things we don't need to hear. I don't need to hear that my child is hard to deal with (shockingly enough I know this), I don't need to hear you don't want my life (no worries, I don't want yours because I love my own), I don't need to hear that we're going to need a bigger house (I live in it). I remember a woman that I dealt with growing up that felt the need to tell everyone everything that came to her mind no matter how hurtful it was. She said it was her "personality." I call crap on that. Some things people don't need to hear and you can filter your talk. Use your honesty to help but if it's not helpful and may be hurtful you can keep it to yourself.
Then there's the other side of this that I lived in most of my life. I went through most of my life hiding the truth of who I was. No one needed to know that I thought I was ugly, no one needed to know that I didn't feel wanted by people, no one needed to know how hard it was for me being  in a large group of people. I tried to hide it behind an "I'm too cool" front and in the end people thought I was stuck up. No one needed to see the real me.
It's only been in the last several years that I've really let people see the real me. Hardships will do that to you. You can't keep hiding. It's amazing how when you open yourself up people start opening up to you. I've had so many people open up to me about their infertility because of reading my blog and that encourages me so much.
We all have struggles and we try to hide them. If we would just let people in and open up we could help so many more people. Whether it's infertility, anorexia, post partum depression, insecurity, and so on. Open up and let people in and be honest with who you really are. God wants to use us all.