One year

It's been almost one year since my last blog. I've had so many thoughts run through my mind and so many things I thought to write but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. There's something about seeing my feelings and thoughts typed out that make it so much more real and raw, but it also brings me such healing.
In one year we have had a foster placement and saw her leave which is the hardest thing we've ever done. But we've also had the indescribable joy of still being able to watch her grow through pictures, videos, and visits. We've also had a new joy come into our lives. Our little baby M. She hasn't been the "easy" baby like baby K was but we love her just as much, with all our hearts, and have had her for 6 months now. She will probably be leaving in the next 3-6 months. The thought of her leaving seems just as unfathomable as it did with baby K. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to travel this foster world without giving your heart completely and then getting it completely ripped out when these babies leave. I've decided there's not and I'm not sure there's supposed to be. I keep trying to decide if it's better this second time because I know we can survive the baby leaving or if it's worse because I know the intense pain.
God is still continually teaching me through all of this. My selfish desire tells me "hang on with all your might and don't let go of this child!" God tells me "give her to me, she's not your's or anyone else's, she's mine! I love her more than you will and I will take care of her." What an awesome God we serve. I know God is right. In a conversation with Raph this week I told him I truly don't feel like we should adopt a child that has family that want her and take care of her. We are called to adopt children that don't have families that can or want to take care of them. As hard as it is letting go I know it's right. Seeing baby K with her family proves this to me. They love her so much and she is growing and thriving in that love. Raph agreed and said not only would he never try to take baby K back but he would do anything in his power to help her to stay with her mom. This is how I know this is right and I truly believe the same will be true when baby M leaves.
God wraps these children in His arms long after I'll ever be able to. We do what we are called and we see HIS glory through it all. That's not saying it's so hard it takes our breath away but God gives us back that breath starting with the small joys and they grow until our lungs are full of air again.