Friday, June 3, 2016

Learning to Trust Again-Baby K

Our little home has been blessed with a tiny foster baby and wow has it changed our lives. My three little men are absolutely in love and my adult man is even more in love. She has rocked our world and I don't see the rocking stopping anytime soon. We knew going into this placement it would probably be a short placement. I had no idea how hard that would be.
Going into fostering they drill into you that reunification is almost always the goal. With this placement they told us we would probably only have her for a month. I thought that would be ok, I knew I would be attached but that's what we're here for. The first few days I held it together. By day three I was crying out to my husband that "I want her!" He looked at me with his amused eyes and said "you're finally admitting it." It's hard falling in love with a child while waiting for a call saying tomorrow we will be picking her up, because that's all the warning we get. It's hard getting up in the middle of the night gazing down into big chocolate eyes knowing this may be the last night. I've tried so hard to live in the moment but man, it's hard!
Usually the first reaction from people when they see her is "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give her up." I smile and nod and make a polite reply when inside I'm screaming I can't! I can't do it either! I have cried out to God begging for him not to make me give her up. But something holds me back from asking Him to let us keep her. I don't know if it's seeing the mom gazing down into her innocent face completely in love after not seeing her for a week. Maybe it's the grandma's sobs as she hears her little squeaks while not having a glimpse of her yet. Maybe it's having met another family out there just as in love with her and desperately wanting her back and wondering if maybe they are better for her than us.
It's been hard but this has also taught me so much. It's taught me how amazing my sons and husband are. They aren't holding anything back even knowing she isn't ours forever. They've made her a part of our family without a second thought. Hearing the little men pray that if we can't keep her please bring us another little girl. I can't do that yet. It breaks my heart every time because I don't want another little girl, I want this one. But they are so accepting of this life and give it to God while I desperately try to do the same.
I've learned to soak up every second, not only with baby but with the boys. They are growing so fast too and seeing her change so quickly makes me realize how quickly they've changed and I don't want to miss a second. Learning to leave the weeds in the flower beds, leave the dirt on the floor, and just breathe in the sweetness that is this baby, these boys, and this beautiful life God has given me.
The thing that I'm most grateful for is knowing I'm where God wants me. I had been feeling so discontent and that I should be doing more. People suggested things and I'd consider it but nothing seemed right and I just couldn't take that step. Meanwhile the discontent stayed. There is no more discontentment. I know this is what God wants me to do and as hard as it is there is such a peace and joy in that. I'm so grateful for every second we have with baby K and am trying so hard to focus on that and not the upcoming good-bye. I can't do it. I can't say good-bye. But with God's help I will.

1 comment:

  1. Blessings as you continue caring for these little ones all the while knowing how badly it will hurt when they go back. Being a foster mom isn't easy!

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