I'm Tired

I'm Tired

 

 

Some days I just want to throw in the towel and today is one of those days. I'm not so much physically tired as emotionally tired. I'm tired of hearing from my three year old "Mom, me might get mad", "Mom, me might punch you in the face", and worst of all in a sing songy voice "Mom, me hate you." I know he doesn't mean the words and he doesn't even know what hate means because a lot of times it's followed by "me don't like you either." But he knows the words hurt and he wants to hurt me.

 

My three year old, "S", has issues. Yes he is one adorable child. Yes he can be the sweetest snuggliest boy you have ever met and I love those things about him. I love that he comes and gives me huge hugs and tells me he loves me and that I'm his best friend. I love that he gives his little brother huge hugs and loves on him. I love his love of people and his nighttime prayers. I do not love the peeing on the floor on purpose, peeing on his brother's things on purpose, and the anger that is spewed my way. I don't love that S wants to hug random strangers and be picked up by people he has never seen before. I don't love that he is so starved for acceptance that he looks for it from anyone that gives him any attention and latches on until that person is overwhelmed. I don't love that if I give someone else one on one attention he gets so jealous that he gets mad, throws things, and screams.

 

Above all of these things I hate that S has had such a rough life that these emotions even come up. I hate that he knows what it's like to be moved around and hasn't had a steady love from two parents for long periods of time. I hate that he's already looking out for #1 no matter the cost. And I hate that some days I look at him and don't see a three year old boy but I see a child that acts like he's thirteen and hates his life. I hate that some days I have no patience and have to ignore him and walk out of the room because I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to do. God forgive me, some days I just can't see his hurt and all I see is my frustration.

 

This morning in my devotional I read Isaiah 40:11

"He tends his flock like a shepard: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young"

 

Today I will cling to that and know that there are better days coming. I know that this scared three year old needs all the love we can give him and I pray God gives us the patience to see that every day and see past our hurt, anger, and frustration. I will cling to that prayer that S spoke one night, "God don't take me from this house." There is hope and God will see all of us through. There are good days and there are bad days. Today is a bad day but I will wait for that good one to come through and do what I can in the meantime.

 

So if you see my three year old and he chooses you to cling to please see more that just the clingyness and cuteness. See that he needs love and affection. Help us be a light to him.

Our Leap

I will never forget sitting in church one Sunday and the sermon was on Peter walking with Jesus. Not really about Peter but the rest of the disciples. Why did they stay in the boat? If we were in that boat would we have the faith to take that step out onto the water like Peter or would we stay in the safety of the boat?

Before that sermon Raph and I had tried for over a year to get pregnant. No luck. Finally I went to the gynocologist and we ran tests and through a variety of tests we found that the chances of us getting pregnant without running more tests and doing who knows what else were very very slim. We decided to stop with the testing and move on to the next step. You see we had a plan. Fostering was always part of the plan but it was step B not step A. Step A was having one or two biological children and then years after that our step B was fostering. Did we ask God about these steps? No. Did we feel good about our plan? Yes. Well God had other plans. It was hard to understand through the heartbreak of letting go of that dream. Through not knowing what little Raph and Reginas would look like. Through people asking when we were going to start having kids and knowing that it wasn't likely.

Fast forward to that Sunday. We had been trying to decide what to do. We lived in a small apartment where we didn't want any children but a newborn living in. So we were looking for a place to rent because I didn't feel comfortable buying. We had struggled financially during the beginning of our marriage and we were finally doing good. I didn't want to give that up. My husband is wiser than me. Through prayer and searching we finally started looking for a house. We decided to take that step of faith. We found the house of my dreams. Put in an offer. They accepted the offer. Boom! They had someone else offer more so they dropped ours. Once again I was wondering where God was. "God if we can't have biological children can't we at least have this dream house?" So we started our search again. God answers. God provided a house that wasn't even on the market, was cheaper, and a much smarter move. We took it.

A few months after we moved we started the fostering process. They gave us 6 months to complete the training and home study. We were done in 3. We said we would take two children ages three and under which is what we were comfortable with. Once again God had other plans. We endured months of waiting for the call and frustration and many tears from me of still not having children. Wondering why there are so many children that need homes and here we sit waiting. Finally we got the call. My heart was racing when they told us they had children they wanted us to consider. Only there weren't two, there was three. "God this was not our plan" God said "LEAP!" Fears were there and prayers went up and I wanted those three little boys with all my heart. Husband agreed and we said yes. Into our lives walk three little adorable boys (we will call them S, K, and L) that instantly filled that hole in my heart. That hole that had been there ever since I left my kids in Jamaica 7 years before. God filled that hole and allowed me to have children to pour my love into. My husband became an amazing father and our families welcomed them with open arms. Life sure hasn't been easy and we have questioned God and wondered why can't we have the easy life. I will never forget the words my husband shared with me. He was driving down the road one day thinking of how life has changed and how hard it is when three kids come into your life in one huge swoop. He felt God telling him "I haven't called you to the easy life"

We don't know how long we will have these three boys and my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest when I think of them leaving. But I do know God doesn't always call us to the easy life and we aren't always called to step out of the boat but sometimes we are called to leap. I hope I never miss that opportunity to take that leap.

I will leave you with these verses that dear friends have shared with me:
Isaiah 60: 4-5
"Your sons will come from afar, your little daughters will be carried home, then your eyes will shine and your heart will swell with joy"
Psalm 113:9
 ^"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."
Praise the Lord!

A New Kind of Mothers Day

So I have decided to join the word of blogging. I'm not good with words but I have so many thoughts flying through my head that I decided to give it a go.

Yesterday was my first Mothers Day as a mom. I know Mothers Day is meant to honor moms and all they do for us. I do have one amazing mom that is the most self sacrificing people I have ever known. She does so much for me and is always there for me when I need her and I am forever grateful for that. Then there is my mother-in-law. She is also one amazing woman who is giving and kind and goes out of her way to help people. They have bother challenged me and taught me so much.

Like I said I understand that Mothers Day is made to honor mothers but yesterday it meant something new for me. I remember last year Mothers Day was very rough for me. We had struggled with infertility and were still childless and I desperately wanted to be a mom. Mothers day was a reminder to me that I wasn't and I felt selfish for thinking of myself on a day like that but it was so hard. I will never forget a woman from church coming up to me and telling me she was praying for me and she understands it must be a hard day for me. This simple understanding blessed me beyond compare.

This Mothers Day I got to go to church with my 3 little men and receive roses from them with there bright proud faces and soak in all there is to motherhood. I got hugs and kisses and sticky fingers were all over my face but I love it. I couldn't help but wonder if the other moms around me understood the gift they have been given. I know I probably wouldn't have if I wouldn't have had to fight through infertility, foster classes, and months of waiting for these boys. Motherhood is such a gift. We get to pour love into little people, teach them, and be adored in return. I know being a mom isn't all glitz and glamour and sure is hard when they don't adore us but detest us but it is still one of the most wonderful gifts I have been given.

I don't know how long I will be a mother. That's part of the business of being a foster parent. Next year I could be without my boys and grieving again. But as for this Mothers Day,  I soaked it up and praised God for the beautiful gift he has given me.