I'm Tired
Some days I just want to throw in the towel and today is one of those days. I'm not so much physically tired as emotionally tired. I'm tired of hearing from my three year old "Mom, me might get mad", "Mom, me might punch you in the face", and worst of all in a sing songy voice "Mom, me hate you." I know he doesn't mean the words and he doesn't even know what hate means because a lot of times it's followed by "me don't like you either." But he knows the words hurt and he wants to hurt me.
My three year old, "S", has issues. Yes he is one adorable child. Yes he can be the sweetest snuggliest boy you have ever met and I love those things about him. I love that he comes and gives me huge hugs and tells me he loves me and that I'm his best friend. I love that he gives his little brother huge hugs and loves on him. I love his love of people and his nighttime prayers. I do not love the peeing on the floor on purpose, peeing on his brother's things on purpose, and the anger that is spewed my way. I don't love that S wants to hug random strangers and be picked up by people he has never seen before. I don't love that he is so starved for acceptance that he looks for it from anyone that gives him any attention and latches on until that person is overwhelmed. I don't love that if I give someone else one on one attention he gets so jealous that he gets mad, throws things, and screams.
Above all of these things I hate that S has had such a rough life that these emotions even come up. I hate that he knows what it's like to be moved around and hasn't had a steady love from two parents for long periods of time. I hate that he's already looking out for #1 no matter the cost. And I hate that some days I look at him and don't see a three year old boy but I see a child that acts like he's thirteen and hates his life. I hate that some days I have no patience and have to ignore him and walk out of the room because I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to do. God forgive me, some days I just can't see his hurt and all I see is my frustration.
This morning in my devotional I read Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepard: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young"
Today I will cling to that and know that there are better days coming. I know that this scared three year old needs all the love we can give him and I pray God gives us the patience to see that every day and see past our hurt, anger, and frustration. I will cling to that prayer that S spoke one night, "God don't take me from this house." There is hope and God will see all of us through. There are good days and there are bad days. Today is a bad day but I will wait for that good one to come through and do what I can in the meantime.
So if you see my three year old and he chooses you to cling to please see more that just the clingyness and cuteness. See that he needs love and affection. Help us be a light to him.
Toddlers should come with "easy" buttons for these days! But they don't, and to get myself through some of those moments I chant (out loud, to myself, because I'm totally sane haha) "I am a beacon of patience and calm". As many times as it takes until I believe it. I don't know where this came from but I've been doing it for a long time. Hang in there and think about the profound words of pinterest "it's just a bad day, it's not a bad life." :) You're the best thing to happen to those beautiful boys.
ReplyDeleteToday at a fast food restaurant, while Dad and I were eating, there was a young mom there with four children. Three of whom were behaving nicely. Then a little guy, probably S's age, threw a fit. I think the last little bit of his ice cream fell off the cone, and he decided that he wanted more ice cream. She told him "no" and wouldn't budge from that stance. He got louder and madder, and was really raising a ruckus. Finally she got ahold of him and forcibly moved him into another seat, while talking through clenched teeth. But suddenly, it was like she realized that she wasn't really helping the child by her responses, and she picked him up and took him out of the restaurant, leaving another, older woman in charge of the other three. She was gone, very briefly, but when they came back, the boy was settled down, he was happy and quiet, and obedient. As we finished our meal, I said to Dad, "I need to go and talk to that young woman." He knows me pretty well, and he encouraged me to go. I went over and said, "Could I talk to you?" She looked up, and I could see the apprehension all over her face, but she said, "Uh, yes." I said, "I just want to say that I saw what happened and you handled that really well." Her face fell, and she said, "What part?" and then laughed nervously. I said, "The thing is, you recognized that you were losing it, you made a decision and recalculated and then handled it very, very well." She said something about it being so hard sometimes to know what to do. There was an empty spot in the seat beside her, and I slid in and put my arm around her. "I know it is hard, but I just wanted you to know that I noticed and I wanted to tell you that you did good!" She was positively beaming by now, and we exchanged a few more words and i went back to my seat. As I read your blog tonight, I had this urge to give you a hug and tell you that you did good.
ReplyDelete(Finishing off my comment -- it was too long for just one!)
ReplyDeleteRegina, you are in a battle that has eternal values at stake and the enemy of your soul and that of the boys would like to fire his darts to make you doubt yourself, make you discourage, make you feel like it is too big. And it is, if you think of just you and Raph. But that isn't all there is. You have Jesus and the host of Heaven's Angels who are watching, tempering the winds that blow, cheering you on, HELPING YOU! And there will be days like this. Plus, life was so different for a few days when there was always an adult around to give undivided attention to S or to the others if S needed you. My heart is full of admiration for you, full of love for such a brave girlie, full of sadness that you are the recipient of much of S's anger since you are with him more than anyone else, and so, so proud of you for the way you understand the "why's" even while you are unwilling to let S stay in that place. It is a tough call-- to know when to let him go and when to reign him in. If I was there, I would slip on the couch beside you, put my arm around you and say, "You did good, girlie. You've handled things well, and it is only by the grace of God that we get this mothering thing right. But you are a natural, and you are not a quitter. Hang in there. It will get better. I promise. You watch. You wait. You'll see." I surely do love you, Babe. And you are in our prayers often. And don't be too hard on yourself. We have all lost it at times, and S is beginning to know that you love him. That in itself is probably scary -- and some of this may be testing to see if you will love him at his worst. Right now he is a leaky bucket -- every thing you put into it just runs right out, but little by little, bit by bit, you are plugging the holes, trying to fill that emotional tank. And one of these days, you will find that things stay in a little longer, that the meanness has abated and that he has better control of not only his words but also his heart. Thinking of you, and thanks so much for updating. Never, Never, NEVER forget that you are very, very loved and prayed for.