Keeping Perspective

Tonight was one of those nights again. S was especially sassy and talking back. K was constantly telling us no. To top it all off I wasn't feeling good and was trying to get the house somewhat presentable since we just go back from vacation yesterday and have case workers coming in the morning. Bedtime for the boys couldn't come soon enough.

Bedtime went pretty smoothly but about 45 minutes after we put them in K started crying. It wasn't his "I wanna go play cry" it was his "scared/sad cry." I went back and checked on him and he was scared of something invisible on the floor. I got him calmed down and convinced him there was nothing to be scared of and came back to the living room. Somehow husband and I started talking about the first night these little monsters blessings came into our lives. We can still picture there scared little faces as they sat on the couch and stared at these strange people they didn't know. Heart breaking to remember.

K was the first one to get down and explore the stash of toys. L sat there with stickers on his chubby little face and big eyes looking around. S was content to sit with the worker and not make eye contact. They were all wearing oversized clothes and looked a little on the grungy side. When it was time for the workers to leave S and L started crying. I won't forget the male worker getting down on S's level and telling him he will be back to visit and he's the man now and needs to help take care of the others. And soon the workers were gone. What do we do now? All of a sudden we have these little people looking up at us and we feel pretty lost as to what to do with them. Husband ran out and got diapers and underwear. Brother-in-law brought us pizza and sippy cups and other things I would not have thought of for little kids. And then we were on our own.

Thinking back on that first night makes my heart ache. It makes the temper tantrums and talking back more understandable. It makes the hitting, kicking, and pinching more bearable. It makes my heart melt all over again. Some days I forget. I forget that our kids are not technically OURS. I forget about their past and that they had one before they were with us. But looking back at the pictures of that night and talking about it brings it all back. They have gone through so much.

After all the talk I go back to check on S not so secretly hoping he's still awake so I can get some snuggling in. He is awake and I can't help but pick him up and squeeze him tight and he squeezes back eagerly taking in the extra attention. He looks up at me and asks what I'm doing with those big brown eyes. "Just checking on you" We have a little talk and he asks questions about things I can't share but it makes me realize he is also remembering back. He is also sad. I get him happy again by telling him if he wakes up and daddy is gone he can crawl in bed with mommy. Not so secretly I again hope that he wakes up early so I can get in some more snuggle time.

In times of frustration and days of stress I need to look back and remember. On days I feel like a failure I need to remember so that I can try harder. Remember so that my heart can soften and my tongue in turn will soften to my little blessings.