Today is a good day. Our adoption worker and another worker were just here and the process is progressing!! No idea on the exact time frame of anything and it's constantly changing but having a visit to actually talk to someone about it gets me all giddy. Could this actually be reality? Could our first foster placement actually be the children we are adopting? Oh I pray it is so and nothing interferes.
Having relative strangers in our home oohing and aahing over our boys and how happy they are and how well they listen and how healthy they look makes my heart swell with pride. So often I focus on the negative. I'm tired of being scratched, constantly disobeyed, and yelled at and know I have so much to learn about being a parent. But today made me realize what amazing children I have. Let me brag on them a little.
S has improved soooo much. I can't emphasize the soo enough. Gone are the days of slapping me in the face, tearing apart the house, and screaming in rage. Yes, he still gets angry. But it is a more controlled anger. He is happy. He dotes on L with a ferocious love that I adore. I used to be so frustrated with his "all about me" attitude but now him and L share a room and I've noticed how well they play together and how he looks out for him. S is my old soul that I can sit and have conversations with that are ridiculous for a 4 year old. Let me tell you, he is a leader and loves Jesus and if he keeps on the path he is going he will be a world changer.
K is my struggle now. He has become the angry one who hits and scratches and screams. He is struggling. But after the angry stage passes he will sit quietly for a long time and then come sweetly saying "sorry mommy" with such sincerity that it makes me tear up. Sweet remorse makes it all much easier to deal with and I wonder what goes on in that little curly head of his. He is our crazy one that makes people laugh but he loves his alone time. K loves Paw Patrol more than I ever thought would be possible for a child to love a tv show. He is passionate, stubborn, and frustrates me to no end. But I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, I have seen it happen with his big brother. When he reaches the end of this tunnel I know he will have a light that will blind you.
L, what a funny little chubby man. He is the boy that kills me and Raph with his humor. There is something just plain funny about that kid. He is in that sweet transition from baby to boy. He is starting to talk more and more. He also seems to carry the temper that comes with the rest of these boys but thankfully it is usually short lived and followed by cuddles. He loves babies with a passion and is so gentle with them that it melts my heart. His love for books and snuggling make my days a lot sweeter.
Lately I have been struggling again with this ugly infertility. It started with a dream that I was pregnant and the harsh reality of waking up with that dream being so far out of my reach that it hurts. But then I look at my little men and am so proud of them I could burst and know that we are right where God wants us. That brings me joy. I'm beyond excited for my first Christmas as a mommy. Seeing the excitement on their faces as we decorated the tree, made fun little painted handprints, and the awe of the lights is making this the best Christmas season yet.
Gina, I love you so much. I feel like I know a little bit how it feels to be right where you are. I remember when the doctor told me that there was no longer a heartbeat on my 19 week pregnancy. It was our third pregnancy, with no live births, and we were foster parenting at the time. I went to my car and cried my heart out against the steering wheel. "I don't understand, God! I love Joseph and Salena (our two foster children at the time) but I feel like it is 'second best' somehow." And I felt the presence of God in the car and it seemed like he said, "If this is what I have for you, I will make it BEST." I was not above arguing with him at that point, and I just couldn't let it go. "I know," I said, "but you've promised me the desires of my heart if I delight my self in you, and I've truly been trying to delight myself in you. I just don't understand!" Again, I felt his presence so strongly and impressed upon my heart was this: "I am God. You are human. Who are you to tell me what the true desires of your heart are?" Some people would think that the answer I got to that was harsh, and every time I tell it, I am in awe of what happened to my heart with that answer. I was so comforted! It was as if the Creator of the Universe knew ME, an unimportant young Mennonite girl alone in a parking lot in the big city of Columbus, Ohio, who thought her heart was breaking, and because He knew ME, and because He was GOOD, He would be with me and bring healing and comfort and it would be GOOD. I remember that into my soul crept a peace that dried my tears, carried me through the miles until I found Daniel, working out on a job, told him our story. It carried me through the two weeks ahead until I went into labor and delivered our stillborn Samuel John. I went back to our little, ugly house and I held the healthy bodies of my foster children and believed that God would work everything for good.
ReplyDeleteI believe the same for you and Raph. I know that the pain of infertility is real. And I know that the only place that I found peace was at the foot of the Cross. Our story began with fostering, then adoption and eventually natural birth. But the thing is, my dear Regina, even if we had never had those natural births, it would have been okay. It would have been good. And it makes my heart rejoice to know that it will be okay for you and Raph, too. Brave and strong and committed and determined to serve Jesus. That's how I see the two of you, and it makes this Mama's heart so glad.
Thank you for this look into your heart and the hearts of the boys. I am pathetically eager to hear anything about how things are going. And if you think about the fact that K is almost the age that S was when he came to your home, it might give you some hope, too. You have made and continue to make a difference. Your God is with you. And you have a HUGE cheering section.