Speak

The Devil is a liar. This is something I have always known but have discovered in a new way in the past year. I have started believing the lies again. The lies that I’m not good enough, I need to stay silent, no one wants to hear my thoughts. I have closed them up in that deepest part of my heart that you don’t let people see.
That is why this blog has stayed silent for so long. I didn’t trust myself or God to speak through me anymore. I believed the lies that this outlet was no longer useful to myself or anyone else. That I was no longer useful.. It may not be useful to others, that I can’t control, but it can be an outlet for me.
I don’t do New Years resolutions but I do set goals. My goal this year is to open myself back up to God and open myself up to whatever passions he gives me. I will choose to follow Him and the callings he places on my life no matter what people say. I will be wise with how I speak and the words I say but I will not be afraid to speak the truth. I will trust God over the world.
I heard a sermon this morning on how to control our big fat mouths which is an invaluable lesson I still need to work on but I have also learned that sometimes the words we don’t say are just as harmful. Not only to others but to ourselves and the value we place on what God speaks to and through us. I will open that deep part of my heart again and allow God to use me in whatever way he chooses.

Too Much or Just Right

Recemtly Ann Voskamp has posted a two part blog series that has touched me to my core. The past several weeks have brought so much self contemplation, because of her blog and because of events in my life. God is constantly opening my eyes to show me new things in this world and things in myself.
Through this I end up looking at myself and seeing all the flaws that I know others see in me and trying to figure out how I can change myself. Stop speaking up so much, start speaking up more. Be quiet and live by example, God wants us to use our voice. It is a constant battle on all sides of how people want us to be and not be and wanting to feel loved, wanted, and cared for by people around us. So we conform.  We conform to what we think others want of us and we hate who we become. And this is not from God.

Galatians 1:10 Am I saying this now to win the approval of people or God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Philippians 2:3 Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves.

God doesn’t want us to be like others but he does call us to love others. God calls us to live our lives to please him, not to please those around us. God speaks to us, gives us our passions, our personalities (and no, we won’t all have bubbly outgoing personalities🙋‍♀️). Not saying all of this to say we don’t need to continually strive to grow closer to God and be more loving, compassionate, kind people who show His love to others. But we don’t need to live to please others. If God gives you a passion and a fire we need to act on that, even when it’s hard and scary, maybe especially when it’s hard and scary. At the end of this life will we stand before God and say, “well God I didn’t do what you asked because I was scared of people”, which honestly is super tempting to do. God wants more, deserves more. 

Sometimes it seems a tricky line to walk, doing what God calls us to do or say but also love others as we do it even when they don’t approve. It doesn’t need to be so complicated. God calls, we obey, we love others, we stay true to the person God created us to be. 

And what if we started seeing others this way? What if I open myself up to learn from those who think differently than me, speak differently than me, and see differently than me? What if I see that they are struggling along to be who God has called them to be and to find confidence in that? What if I gave people the benefit of the doubt? What if we see each other? Really see each other? 

Parts of Ann Voskamp blog that spoke to me:

What if you stopped apologizing for being you,

stopped apologizing for the way you laugh only like you do,

for the way you drive your decisions like a stake into the landscape of debates,

for the way you let the thoughts that singularly unfurl in the curling neurones of your brain alone,
find their brave way to the tip of your willing tongue as wholehearted words,
for the way you say only what you can, only how you can, only you can do what you can,

and all your apologies for being,

and being as you are,
ended right now.

What if:

No more apologizing for being you, but more being fully you, fully in Christ.

Repentance for what you have done is profoundly different —  than reviling who you are.You aren’t too much — to the people who choose to see all of you.

Shame is a bully and grace is a shield and you are safely protected behind the defense of Him naming you his Beloved. 

You aren’t alone. We all come into the world seeking someone who’s seeking us. Because we all just want to be seen. 

Feeling like you’re too much and not enough is the same fear: the fear of being loved as you fully are. 

And there is no fear, because Perfect Love’s moved in here. You don’t have to become less-you only have to come and let yourself be loved. You aren’t too much; you just feel much, see much, love much. 

Because the world has lost much of its heart, the world needs more of us to come with so much of our heart instead of so little. Those who are told they are too much-are those who awakes the world in much needed ways. 

Racism....Yes Again

Yes I’m posting on racism again. Too many people seem to think this is not a problem, not in our area, not today. Tell that to my sons who are called brown head continually at school. Tell that to my son who was daily punched in the stomach by a child for being brown. Tell that to my son who was told by a classmate that him and his whole family don’t like brown or black people. Tell that to my son who asked a trusted adult why football players stand during the anthem with raised fists and instead of explaining their fight for racial justice she told him “that’s bad and you can’t do that.” Let me just say that is not the answer I gave him.
Today it’s names and punches. What happens when that child grows up and becomes a manager at a company where my sons want to work or Lord help us a police officer? What happens if my son wants to date his little sister? I am tired. I am tired of the sadness in my sons’ eyes. I am tired of the ignorance. I am tired of people saying racism isn’t a problem anymore. I am tired of people not paying attention because it doesn’t affect them. And I am angry. I am beyond angry that this is still happening.
But I will continue bringing up this topic, discussing this hatred, and fighting for understanding if there’s any chance it will help my children and other children have a better life than those before them. Stand with me. Stand with my sons. Stand for what is right and for all the people that are being hurt by racism. Talk to your children on the beauty of skin color. We are not color blind. Let’s not pretend to be and leave our children in ignorance. Did I mention my sons are 6, 7, and 8. It’s only going to get worse unless we take a stand.

Be Still

What do you do when you’re life is filled with children for years and then all of a sudden it’s not? What do you do when your three boys are all in school five days a week. What do you do when shortly after the baby you’ve raised for 11 months is gone? 

Do you fill your life as full as possible with things that you don’t love to do but they keep you busy? Do you stay at home by yourself as much as possible to mourn the loss of a child who isn’t dead but isn’t here? Do you find a part time job until you get another foster placement just to quit? What do you do? This is what I’ve been wondering the past month and a half. 

For so long my life has been filled with children 24/7. Time to myself has been scarce and it’s been cherished but now it’s endless. There are so many things I could do and have been doing to fill my time but they don’t give me joy. Am I being selfish? Should I be doing more? Is it not about joy? What do I do?

I feel like the devil loves to keep us busy. If we are busy we can’t take that time to heal. If we are busy we can’t find time for God. We are proud of our busyness, it’s a badge of honor to us. How are you? Good but really busy. Is busy good? God has been telling me to “be still.” It’s so hard to do. We don’t want to be thought of as lazy, as selfish. But there are times after craziness of life stops that we need to take time to heal and simply be still. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s needed. 

Psalm 62:1-2

I find rest in God;

Only he can save me. 

He is my rock and my salvation. 

He is my defender;

I will not be defeated. 

One year

It's been almost one year since my last blog. I've had so many thoughts run through my mind and so many things I thought to write but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. There's something about seeing my feelings and thoughts typed out that make it so much more real and raw, but it also brings me such healing.
In one year we have had a foster placement and saw her leave which is the hardest thing we've ever done. But we've also had the indescribable joy of still being able to watch her grow through pictures, videos, and visits. We've also had a new joy come into our lives. Our little baby M. She hasn't been the "easy" baby like baby K was but we love her just as much, with all our hearts, and have had her for 6 months now. She will probably be leaving in the next 3-6 months. The thought of her leaving seems just as unfathomable as it did with baby K. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to travel this foster world without giving your heart completely and then getting it completely ripped out when these babies leave. I've decided there's not and I'm not sure there's supposed to be. I keep trying to decide if it's better this second time because I know we can survive the baby leaving or if it's worse because I know the intense pain.
God is still continually teaching me through all of this. My selfish desire tells me "hang on with all your might and don't let go of this child!" God tells me "give her to me, she's not your's or anyone else's, she's mine! I love her more than you will and I will take care of her." What an awesome God we serve. I know God is right. In a conversation with Raph this week I told him I truly don't feel like we should adopt a child that has family that want her and take care of her. We are called to adopt children that don't have families that can or want to take care of them. As hard as it is letting go I know it's right. Seeing baby K with her family proves this to me. They love her so much and she is growing and thriving in that love. Raph agreed and said not only would he never try to take baby K back but he would do anything in his power to help her to stay with her mom. This is how I know this is right and I truly believe the same will be true when baby M leaves.
God wraps these children in His arms long after I'll ever be able to. We do what we are called and we see HIS glory through it all. That's not saying it's so hard it takes our breath away but God gives us back that breath starting with the small joys and they grow until our lungs are full of air again.

Learning to Trust Again-Baby K

Our little home has been blessed with a tiny foster baby and wow has it changed our lives. My three little men are absolutely in love and my adult man is even more in love. She has rocked our world and I don't see the rocking stopping anytime soon. We knew going into this placement it would probably be a short placement. I had no idea how hard that would be.
Going into fostering they drill into you that reunification is almost always the goal. With this placement they told us we would probably only have her for a month. I thought that would be ok, I knew I would be attached but that's what we're here for. The first few days I held it together. By day three I was crying out to my husband that "I want her!" He looked at me with his amused eyes and said "you're finally admitting it." It's hard falling in love with a child while waiting for a call saying tomorrow we will be picking her up, because that's all the warning we get. It's hard getting up in the middle of the night gazing down into big chocolate eyes knowing this may be the last night. I've tried so hard to live in the moment but man, it's hard!
Usually the first reaction from people when they see her is "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give her up." I smile and nod and make a polite reply when inside I'm screaming I can't! I can't do it either! I have cried out to God begging for him not to make me give her up. But something holds me back from asking Him to let us keep her. I don't know if it's seeing the mom gazing down into her innocent face completely in love after not seeing her for a week. Maybe it's the grandma's sobs as she hears her little squeaks while not having a glimpse of her yet. Maybe it's having met another family out there just as in love with her and desperately wanting her back and wondering if maybe they are better for her than us.
It's been hard but this has also taught me so much. It's taught me how amazing my sons and husband are. They aren't holding anything back even knowing she isn't ours forever. They've made her a part of our family without a second thought. Hearing the little men pray that if we can't keep her please bring us another little girl. I can't do that yet. It breaks my heart every time because I don't want another little girl, I want this one. But they are so accepting of this life and give it to God while I desperately try to do the same.
I've learned to soak up every second, not only with baby but with the boys. They are growing so fast too and seeing her change so quickly makes me realize how quickly they've changed and I don't want to miss a second. Learning to leave the weeds in the flower beds, leave the dirt on the floor, and just breathe in the sweetness that is this baby, these boys, and this beautiful life God has given me.
The thing that I'm most grateful for is knowing I'm where God wants me. I had been feeling so discontent and that I should be doing more. People suggested things and I'd consider it but nothing seemed right and I just couldn't take that step. Meanwhile the discontent stayed. There is no more discontentment. I know this is what God wants me to do and as hard as it is there is such a peace and joy in that. I'm so grateful for every second we have with baby K and am trying so hard to focus on that and not the upcoming good-bye. I can't do it. I can't say good-bye. But with God's help I will.

Time Moves On

It's been a long time since I've blogged and this one is for me more than anything. I want to mark the changes and growths I've seen in the boys to look back on. It's amazing how quickly time moves on. It's amazing how much easier life is now than it was even a year ago. The boys have grown so much.
Simon is in the stage of life where he is growing into a boy, no longer any baby left. He loves school and I'm amazed at how quickly he learns and how eager he is to learn. He has turned into such a sweet boy and genuinely loves people. Just the other day he was telling me about a little boy on his bus that has a mommy but no daddy and that made him sad for him. He said he likes kids that don't have moms and dads and wants to be friends with them. His heart! It inspires me.
Liam is still our wild child. His signature scratch marks are on his brothers' cheeks quite frequently. I have learned that I can't expect him to pick up on things the same as his older brother. Such a simple common sense thought but one it took me a long time to get to. Simon hears everything that goes on in the room, which is frustrating on it's own but Liam can tune everything out. I was getting so frustrated because I would talk to him and thought he was purposely disobeying and I've finally realized he actually doesn't hear unless I get his attention, have him look in my face, and speak directly to him. He loves being around people but is definitely the introvert that needs his alone time and enjoys being at home. They are very different boys and I have to learn to see them each for the child of God they are. He is still so sweet at moments. He will randomly come and ask if I want a hug or tell me he wants to cuddle. He will be the heartbreaker.
Frankie is still the funny child. Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and laughing at his antics. He loves to bring his face two inches from mine when he's talking to me and would be held all day if possible. He gets very easily offended when we tell him no and will hang his head and march back to his room or sit and refuse to look at anyone. It really is the cutest thing. Frankie loves people and is constantly asking where we are going today. He still has an obsession with food and I blame that on a growth spurt right now.
I adore my little family and am so excited to see where God will bring us in the next years to come. It is a joy seeing kids grow up and though I am sad at times that the boys' are all no longer "babies" I am also loving this stage of life when they are a little more independent and life is a little easier.