Today is a good day. Our adoption worker and another worker were just here and the process is progressing!! No idea on the exact time frame of anything and it's constantly changing but having a visit to actually talk to someone about it gets me all giddy. Could this actually be reality? Could our first foster placement actually be the children we are adopting? Oh I pray it is so and nothing interferes.
Having relative strangers in our home oohing and aahing over our boys and how happy they are and how well they listen and how healthy they look makes my heart swell with pride. So often I focus on the negative. I'm tired of being scratched, constantly disobeyed, and yelled at and know I have so much to learn about being a parent. But today made me realize what amazing children I have. Let me brag on them a little.
S has improved soooo much. I can't emphasize the soo enough. Gone are the days of slapping me in the face, tearing apart the house, and screaming in rage. Yes, he still gets angry. But it is a more controlled anger. He is happy. He dotes on L with a ferocious love that I adore. I used to be so frustrated with his "all about me" attitude but now him and L share a room and I've noticed how well they play together and how he looks out for him. S is my old soul that I can sit and have conversations with that are ridiculous for a 4 year old. Let me tell you, he is a leader and loves Jesus and if he keeps on the path he is going he will be a world changer.
K is my struggle now. He has become the angry one who hits and scratches and screams. He is struggling. But after the angry stage passes he will sit quietly for a long time and then come sweetly saying "sorry mommy" with such sincerity that it makes me tear up. Sweet remorse makes it all much easier to deal with and I wonder what goes on in that little curly head of his. He is our crazy one that makes people laugh but he loves his alone time. K loves Paw Patrol more than I ever thought would be possible for a child to love a tv show. He is passionate, stubborn, and frustrates me to no end. But I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, I have seen it happen with his big brother. When he reaches the end of this tunnel I know he will have a light that will blind you.
L, what a funny little chubby man. He is the boy that kills me and Raph with his humor. There is something just plain funny about that kid. He is in that sweet transition from baby to boy. He is starting to talk more and more. He also seems to carry the temper that comes with the rest of these boys but thankfully it is usually short lived and followed by cuddles. He loves babies with a passion and is so gentle with them that it melts my heart. His love for books and snuggling make my days a lot sweeter.
Lately I have been struggling again with this ugly infertility. It started with a dream that I was pregnant and the harsh reality of waking up with that dream being so far out of my reach that it hurts. But then I look at my little men and am so proud of them I could burst and know that we are right where God wants us. That brings me joy. I'm beyond excited for my first Christmas as a mommy. Seeing the excitement on their faces as we decorated the tree, made fun little painted handprints, and the awe of the lights is making this the best Christmas season yet.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The List
It seems that with Thanksgiving coming up the "thankful" lists also come up. Here's my contribution in no particular order.
I'm thankful for
1. a job offered to me by friends when it was most needed
2. a mom that watches the boys with no complaints so I can do this job. (even when it means getting smacked in the face by one of these boys)
3. a husband that is non stop supportive of me even on days when I'm hard to live with, and I know there are a lot of those days.
4. a yearly tradition of an overnight shopping trip with my mom and sisters, tomorrow night woot woot!!
5. a husband that doesn't complain once that I'm going on this trip
6. boys that give me an endless supply of kisses when it's bedtime and snuggle up to sing bedtime songs with me
7. case workers, even when I get frustrated and have to send numerous e-mails, voicemails, and non stop bugging to get things done. I know this is a hard job and the workload is ridiculous and I'm grateful these people have the hearts to do this work.
8. an overly smart son that tells me I have "sad eyes" when things get rough for me. Little does he know his eyes used to be even more sad.
9. a sensitive son that in the aftermath of a rage filled episode full of scratching me, hitting me, and screaming in my face, is quiet for a long time and looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says "sorry I make you cry mommy." Melt my heart into a puddle
10. a chubby little hand that loves to stick his sticky fingers in my mouth for me to "eat him"
11. brothers that, even though they fight, love each other and would defend each other to the end
12. bio parents, even through the frustration of the pain they have caused my kids, they are the reason I have the children in my house and I pray they find peace with God
13. a supportive community and friends, I have lost count of all the things people have done for us....meals, bags full of food, clothes, money, toys, most recently a four wheeler, baby-sitting, stopping in to watch the boys so I can take a bath. 9 months later we are still receiving from our community. We have been blessed beyond compare
14. family, how amazing is it to have family on both sides that we have no worries that they will accept our children with no thought of race, blood line, or actions. Our kids are their family. If only everyone was that blessed
15. a husband that I love even more now than over five years ago when I married him
16. infertility, without it I would not have the family I have today
17. tears, the sweet release of happiness, sadness, and frustration all comes out in tears for me
18. the Bible, how often have verses popped in my head when I most need them?
19. laughter, brought to me by three little goofballs, my giant husband, and so many others
20. and last and most of all my heavenly Father, how I lean on Him
I'm thankful for
1. a job offered to me by friends when it was most needed
2. a mom that watches the boys with no complaints so I can do this job. (even when it means getting smacked in the face by one of these boys)
3. a husband that is non stop supportive of me even on days when I'm hard to live with, and I know there are a lot of those days.
4. a yearly tradition of an overnight shopping trip with my mom and sisters, tomorrow night woot woot!!
5. a husband that doesn't complain once that I'm going on this trip
6. boys that give me an endless supply of kisses when it's bedtime and snuggle up to sing bedtime songs with me
7. case workers, even when I get frustrated and have to send numerous e-mails, voicemails, and non stop bugging to get things done. I know this is a hard job and the workload is ridiculous and I'm grateful these people have the hearts to do this work.
8. an overly smart son that tells me I have "sad eyes" when things get rough for me. Little does he know his eyes used to be even more sad.
9. a sensitive son that in the aftermath of a rage filled episode full of scratching me, hitting me, and screaming in my face, is quiet for a long time and looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says "sorry I make you cry mommy." Melt my heart into a puddle
10. a chubby little hand that loves to stick his sticky fingers in my mouth for me to "eat him"
11. brothers that, even though they fight, love each other and would defend each other to the end
12. bio parents, even through the frustration of the pain they have caused my kids, they are the reason I have the children in my house and I pray they find peace with God
13. a supportive community and friends, I have lost count of all the things people have done for us....meals, bags full of food, clothes, money, toys, most recently a four wheeler, baby-sitting, stopping in to watch the boys so I can take a bath. 9 months later we are still receiving from our community. We have been blessed beyond compare
14. family, how amazing is it to have family on both sides that we have no worries that they will accept our children with no thought of race, blood line, or actions. Our kids are their family. If only everyone was that blessed
15. a husband that I love even more now than over five years ago when I married him
16. infertility, without it I would not have the family I have today
17. tears, the sweet release of happiness, sadness, and frustration all comes out in tears for me
18. the Bible, how often have verses popped in my head when I most need them?
19. laughter, brought to me by three little goofballs, my giant husband, and so many others
20. and last and most of all my heavenly Father, how I lean on Him
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
We Cry Abba Father
Romans 8:15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, Abba Father.
2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice." Quote from After Earth
The above verses and words keep running through my head. Fear is so real to me this morning. During our fostering annual review some problems came up. I can't go into details but from these problems it looks like we are going to have a meeting. The annual review is how we keep our license. Our license is how we keep our children. My breath is taken away every time I think of this.
I found all of this out late yesterday afternoon and of course I couldn't reach the worker I needed to talk to before she left for the day. Fear overtook me. I had a fun night out with my mom and sisters that distracted me but then when I came home the fear gripped even tighter. I spent a lot of last night close to a panic attack. I could feel the tightness overtaking my chest. If you've never had a panic attack you can't imagine how scary that feels. Hives broke out on my chest and neck and I couldn't stop it. Fear is a gripping emotion. I feel so badly for anyone that has ever lost a child. The fear of losing my children completely terrifies me. Probably because in the eyes of the law they are not yet my children. In my heart they are my flesh and blood.
I tried and tried last night to give this over to God but just couldn't seem to do it. Finally when I was in the bathroom I broke down. "I can't do this! Satan get away! God I need you! I can't do this on my own!" Let me tell you folks, Satan is very real. He had a strong grip on me last night. Through my shaking and teeth chattering and praying and praying and praying a peace overcame me. Satan is real but God is so much more powerful. Don't underestimate the power of either one of them! Satan wants us to have that fear that overtakes us and grips our chest into tightness and causes hives. God wants to take that fear from us and give us peace. We just have to ask and let him. I have prayed for the past month now that God would bring me closer to Him. I want to be closer to Him in every way possible. I am now! I have felt God's power over Satan and am so grateful and humbled by His love for me. If you don't have that in your life please, please turn to Him!
I still don't know what the outcome is going to be of all this. I don't know how serious the whole situation actually is. I do know that last night I went by each child's bed and prayed over them. Do not take your children for granted. I do know that God is in control and He can get me through anything. I pray that He doesn't ask me to give up these children. Not only for my sake and my husband's but for theirs. I can't imagine them being uprooted again and what that would do to them. So I'm asking for prayer. Thank you for all the people that are praying and will pray
2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice." Quote from After Earth
The above verses and words keep running through my head. Fear is so real to me this morning. During our fostering annual review some problems came up. I can't go into details but from these problems it looks like we are going to have a meeting. The annual review is how we keep our license. Our license is how we keep our children. My breath is taken away every time I think of this.
I found all of this out late yesterday afternoon and of course I couldn't reach the worker I needed to talk to before she left for the day. Fear overtook me. I had a fun night out with my mom and sisters that distracted me but then when I came home the fear gripped even tighter. I spent a lot of last night close to a panic attack. I could feel the tightness overtaking my chest. If you've never had a panic attack you can't imagine how scary that feels. Hives broke out on my chest and neck and I couldn't stop it. Fear is a gripping emotion. I feel so badly for anyone that has ever lost a child. The fear of losing my children completely terrifies me. Probably because in the eyes of the law they are not yet my children. In my heart they are my flesh and blood.
I tried and tried last night to give this over to God but just couldn't seem to do it. Finally when I was in the bathroom I broke down. "I can't do this! Satan get away! God I need you! I can't do this on my own!" Let me tell you folks, Satan is very real. He had a strong grip on me last night. Through my shaking and teeth chattering and praying and praying and praying a peace overcame me. Satan is real but God is so much more powerful. Don't underestimate the power of either one of them! Satan wants us to have that fear that overtakes us and grips our chest into tightness and causes hives. God wants to take that fear from us and give us peace. We just have to ask and let him. I have prayed for the past month now that God would bring me closer to Him. I want to be closer to Him in every way possible. I am now! I have felt God's power over Satan and am so grateful and humbled by His love for me. If you don't have that in your life please, please turn to Him!
I still don't know what the outcome is going to be of all this. I don't know how serious the whole situation actually is. I do know that last night I went by each child's bed and prayed over them. Do not take your children for granted. I do know that God is in control and He can get me through anything. I pray that He doesn't ask me to give up these children. Not only for my sake and my husband's but for theirs. I can't imagine them being uprooted again and what that would do to them. So I'm asking for prayer. Thank you for all the people that are praying and will pray
Monday, November 4, 2013
Monday Morning, Time to Forget Orphan Sunday
So yesterday we had a little church service. It was on a little subject called Orphan Sunday. What is Orphan Sunday? It's a Sunday to promote caring for orphans and to have God's love for orphans echo in our own lives. It's a day that makes some cry, makes some sad, makes some feel bad and then it's over.
What do we feel this morning? Have we forgotten already? Are we back to drinking our Monday morning coffee and starting our Monday morning routine? Are our hearts still aching for the children looking for a family? There's this pesky little page on Facebook that I like called The Forgotten Initiative. Yesterday they showed a child from each state waiting to be adopted. Someone must not have told them that Orphan Sunday ended yesterday because they dared to add another one this morning. There goes my Monday morning routine because now my heart is pulled back into it. It's harder to ignore the problem when you see the faces of the children waiting. When you see a little information about each child. One boy wants a family that will read him bedtimes stories and tuck him in. A lot of children need families that are willing to be patient because of the neglect and abuse they've had in the past. Too. Much. Work?
I've always had a passion for orphans. At a young age I remember knowing that some day I was going to work in an orphanage. I did. At a young age I remember knowing that I was called to foster and adopt. I fostered, working on the adoption. Three kids asleep in their beds are proof of that. God called me, I'm done. I did my part, right? Wrong! God didn't call me to this so I could stop doing His calling after I had three kids in my home. I should never stop. On pinterest I pinned a quote from Jim Gaffigan saying "You want to know what it's like having a fourth child? Imagine you're drowning. Then someone hands you a baby." Funny, but really, that's how I feel. I can't do another child right now. But I can do something.
Last night my husband talked to the college group about passion. One of the definitions of passion is: a strong feeling that causes you to act in a dangerous way. Hmm, passion means action? What actions am I taking? I don't know what my next step is but I know I'm not done. I'm not even done with the journey with the three little kids that are back asleep in their beds. I pray that Lord willing in the next 6 months the journey to them being mine forever will come to an end and we can officially be a family. But that also isn't the end of my journey for the cause of the orphan.
You may be saying "I don't have a passion for orphans." Maybe you don't. But God called us to Defend the cause of the fatherless Isaiah 1:17. That verse doesn't say defend the cause of the fatherless if you have a passion for orphans. It's pretty cut and dry. Defend the cause of the fatherless! What are we doing? Pray, support, give, adopt, foster. Do something.
What do we feel this morning? Have we forgotten already? Are we back to drinking our Monday morning coffee and starting our Monday morning routine? Are our hearts still aching for the children looking for a family? There's this pesky little page on Facebook that I like called The Forgotten Initiative. Yesterday they showed a child from each state waiting to be adopted. Someone must not have told them that Orphan Sunday ended yesterday because they dared to add another one this morning. There goes my Monday morning routine because now my heart is pulled back into it. It's harder to ignore the problem when you see the faces of the children waiting. When you see a little information about each child. One boy wants a family that will read him bedtimes stories and tuck him in. A lot of children need families that are willing to be patient because of the neglect and abuse they've had in the past. Too. Much. Work?
I've always had a passion for orphans. At a young age I remember knowing that some day I was going to work in an orphanage. I did. At a young age I remember knowing that I was called to foster and adopt. I fostered, working on the adoption. Three kids asleep in their beds are proof of that. God called me, I'm done. I did my part, right? Wrong! God didn't call me to this so I could stop doing His calling after I had three kids in my home. I should never stop. On pinterest I pinned a quote from Jim Gaffigan saying "You want to know what it's like having a fourth child? Imagine you're drowning. Then someone hands you a baby." Funny, but really, that's how I feel. I can't do another child right now. But I can do something.
Last night my husband talked to the college group about passion. One of the definitions of passion is: a strong feeling that causes you to act in a dangerous way. Hmm, passion means action? What actions am I taking? I don't know what my next step is but I know I'm not done. I'm not even done with the journey with the three little kids that are back asleep in their beds. I pray that Lord willing in the next 6 months the journey to them being mine forever will come to an end and we can officially be a family. But that also isn't the end of my journey for the cause of the orphan.
You may be saying "I don't have a passion for orphans." Maybe you don't. But God called us to Defend the cause of the fatherless Isaiah 1:17. That verse doesn't say defend the cause of the fatherless if you have a passion for orphans. It's pretty cut and dry. Defend the cause of the fatherless! What are we doing? Pray, support, give, adopt, foster. Do something.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
My Desires
Ephesians 6:12 For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in the dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places
I have started a routine. I wake up every morning, do my devotional, say my prayers..."help me to be a better mother, a better wife. Help me have patience today. Take away any hold the past has on my children. Keep my husband safe at work. Help us all to have a good day." There's nothing wrong with that prayer but is that my only prayer?
Yesterday morning I woke up to that routine. Did my devotions, said my prayers, I felt empty afterwards. What was I missing? I clearly felt God speaking to me that I was missing the most important thing. What's the most important part of my life? My husband and kids? Where's God in that list? Punch to the gut. In the midst of trying to be the best mom and wife I could be I forgot to prioritize God at the top of my list. I didn't forget God but I didn't put Him where he belongs. As my #1. Since I stopped helping with the youth group I have let God down. I used to put Him at the center of everything so that I could do my best to do His work and worship Him with my whole life but somewhere along the line I stopped. I was letting Satan's lies in, that my life in this house is more important than God's glory. Ephesians 6:12 was the first verse that popped up after this revelation.
My prayers have changed. I started a new devotional, changed my prayers to include praying for others and most of all praising God. "Lord, help me not to forget!" Let us glorify God and praise Him above all else.
I have started a routine. I wake up every morning, do my devotional, say my prayers..."help me to be a better mother, a better wife. Help me have patience today. Take away any hold the past has on my children. Keep my husband safe at work. Help us all to have a good day." There's nothing wrong with that prayer but is that my only prayer?
Yesterday morning I woke up to that routine. Did my devotions, said my prayers, I felt empty afterwards. What was I missing? I clearly felt God speaking to me that I was missing the most important thing. What's the most important part of my life? My husband and kids? Where's God in that list? Punch to the gut. In the midst of trying to be the best mom and wife I could be I forgot to prioritize God at the top of my list. I didn't forget God but I didn't put Him where he belongs. As my #1. Since I stopped helping with the youth group I have let God down. I used to put Him at the center of everything so that I could do my best to do His work and worship Him with my whole life but somewhere along the line I stopped. I was letting Satan's lies in, that my life in this house is more important than God's glory. Ephesians 6:12 was the first verse that popped up after this revelation.
My prayers have changed. I started a new devotional, changed my prayers to include praying for others and most of all praising God. "Lord, help me not to forget!" Let us glorify God and praise Him above all else.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Confessions of a Foster Mom
Even though most days I don't feel like a "foster mom" and just feel like a normal mom, some days I'm reminded that my kids may not be mine forever and the future is not clear. Today is one of those days so I will look at my life and laugh at the crazy that it is and list my confessions.
1. My house is dirty 99.9% of the time. That .1% is usually on Friday afternoons and doesn't last long enough for anyone but me and the kids to see.
2. Youngest one uses his curly hair for a napkin. Do I wash out the food in his hair when I find it? No, I pull it out, smell it, and throw it away. Today it was a rather large piece of cheese after lunch.
3. Oldest one broke our toilet, I'm currently too tired to remember what the back part of the toilet is called but that is what is broke so it can't hold water. I attempted having everyone use the downstairs toilet but that was too much work. So everyone uses the broken toilet and we keep a bucket beside it and after about three or four uses of said toilet I fill the bucket with water and wash down the nasty inside. The bathroom now smells like pee....all. the. time. TMI? We are hillbilly.
4. I take a nap usually 6 out of 7 days out of the week. If I don't take a nap I feel like I might die.
5. I'm still tired all the time.
6. Today for lunch the kids had bologna, cheese, and grapes. The thought of that makes me want to vomit. I'm not a healthy mom.
7. The inside of our van looks like it got hit by a tornado. Toys, clothes, and probably French fries are strewn throughout. I'm not a clean mom. Daughter of clean sister told me my van is messy. Yes, yes it is.
8. Foster classes may be my least favorite thing on Earth.
9. My pride is no longer where it used to be. I used to refuse help and try to do it all on my own. Now any help offered is taken with little or no resistance....unless I'm feeling a rare burst of energy.
10. Oldest and youngest one love to be held like babies. Around naptime you can see me carrying my large "babies" to bed and cradling them. My back does not thank me. Did I mention I have large boys?
11. I wonder what husband thinks I do with my days. The house is usually messy, supper is easy food, and toys are everywhere.
12. Naptime has been in effect for about 15 minutes. I have to stop now because if I don't I may miss my nap. That's not pretty.
1. My house is dirty 99.9% of the time. That .1% is usually on Friday afternoons and doesn't last long enough for anyone but me and the kids to see.
2. Youngest one uses his curly hair for a napkin. Do I wash out the food in his hair when I find it? No, I pull it out, smell it, and throw it away. Today it was a rather large piece of cheese after lunch.
3. Oldest one broke our toilet, I'm currently too tired to remember what the back part of the toilet is called but that is what is broke so it can't hold water. I attempted having everyone use the downstairs toilet but that was too much work. So everyone uses the broken toilet and we keep a bucket beside it and after about three or four uses of said toilet I fill the bucket with water and wash down the nasty inside. The bathroom now smells like pee....all. the. time. TMI? We are hillbilly.
4. I take a nap usually 6 out of 7 days out of the week. If I don't take a nap I feel like I might die.
5. I'm still tired all the time.
6. Today for lunch the kids had bologna, cheese, and grapes. The thought of that makes me want to vomit. I'm not a healthy mom.
7. The inside of our van looks like it got hit by a tornado. Toys, clothes, and probably French fries are strewn throughout. I'm not a clean mom. Daughter of clean sister told me my van is messy. Yes, yes it is.
8. Foster classes may be my least favorite thing on Earth.
9. My pride is no longer where it used to be. I used to refuse help and try to do it all on my own. Now any help offered is taken with little or no resistance....unless I'm feeling a rare burst of energy.
10. Oldest and youngest one love to be held like babies. Around naptime you can see me carrying my large "babies" to bed and cradling them. My back does not thank me. Did I mention I have large boys?
11. I wonder what husband thinks I do with my days. The house is usually messy, supper is easy food, and toys are everywhere.
12. Naptime has been in effect for about 15 minutes. I have to stop now because if I don't I may miss my nap. That's not pretty.
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Perfect Woman
What is the perfect woman? The answer is different to different people. Is it the woman who has the career, the family, and the perfect home? The woman who is a size 2 and looks perfect whenever she steps out her front door? Or maybe the mom who's kids are the perfect combination of sweet and sassy and she can laugh off the bratty ornery things they do. And then there's the Martha Stewart who's home is always in perfect condition and always has the best decorations and recipes. Or a combination of all of the above?
I have always dealt with self esteem issues. Never felt quite pretty enough, quite sweet enough, or quite outgoing enough. I have compared myself to other women and tried to change my personality, jean size, and heart. Why? Because I'm not the perfect woman. What kind of society do we live in? I remember when I lived in Jamaica I lost 30 pounds through constant sickness, mono, and parasites. What was the world's response? "You look amazing!" "You are so skinny, you look so good!" How sad. When I was at my most unhealthy state was when I got the most compliments. I'm guilty of doing the same thing. I compliment people on their weight loss never thinking it may not be a healthy weight loss. But that outside look of perfection is closer. I'm no longer those 30 pounds lighter, I don't look perfect enough. Do people judge me?
Over the past months I have had to deal with a new issue of self esteem problems. The issue of being the perfect mother. Man, it is harder than people make it look! I can never seem to get through a day without snapping at one of the boys. I can't seem to keep my house clean, meals made, and do fun activities with the boys consistently. So many days I feel like a failure. I look at other moms who post pictures of their perfect house with kids with smiling faces and healthy meals on top of it. I am a failure. I sent S to bed as early as possible because I couldn't take another lie or another word of attitude spewed in my direction. I couldn't hold my anger anymore and snapped yet again and seem to have done more damage than good. Every morning I wake up and pray that God will help me be patient and loving to my boys and not let them see my frustration. Most days I wait till naptime or bedtime and hang my head in shame that I'm not the mom I want to be. I wonder what others think if they look at me and the way I mother my children. Do they see the failure I am or do I hide it well enough?
Recently a fellow mom text me to vent her frustrations. She's not perfect either. She snapped at her kids. She feels like a failure. Oh how I know the feeling. How many other women out there are aiming for perfection and feel like they aren't reaching it? Whether it is mothering, jean size, or any other issue that comes up. How do we help? Do we look and judge? I know that is why I hide my fears and only show them to my husband. I don't want to be looked down on. Let's stop hiding! Let's use our self esteem issues to grow and help others. God has shown me that I'm not perfect but He created me for HIS workmanship, not for my own fears and pride. Let's encourage one another and not judge. What a lesson to me. I was not put on this Earth to point out others' imperfection to them or to perfect myself. I was put on this Earth to encourage and serve our Lord. After all, there is no perfect woman.
Hebrews 10
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
I have always dealt with self esteem issues. Never felt quite pretty enough, quite sweet enough, or quite outgoing enough. I have compared myself to other women and tried to change my personality, jean size, and heart. Why? Because I'm not the perfect woman. What kind of society do we live in? I remember when I lived in Jamaica I lost 30 pounds through constant sickness, mono, and parasites. What was the world's response? "You look amazing!" "You are so skinny, you look so good!" How sad. When I was at my most unhealthy state was when I got the most compliments. I'm guilty of doing the same thing. I compliment people on their weight loss never thinking it may not be a healthy weight loss. But that outside look of perfection is closer. I'm no longer those 30 pounds lighter, I don't look perfect enough. Do people judge me?
Over the past months I have had to deal with a new issue of self esteem problems. The issue of being the perfect mother. Man, it is harder than people make it look! I can never seem to get through a day without snapping at one of the boys. I can't seem to keep my house clean, meals made, and do fun activities with the boys consistently. So many days I feel like a failure. I look at other moms who post pictures of their perfect house with kids with smiling faces and healthy meals on top of it. I am a failure. I sent S to bed as early as possible because I couldn't take another lie or another word of attitude spewed in my direction. I couldn't hold my anger anymore and snapped yet again and seem to have done more damage than good. Every morning I wake up and pray that God will help me be patient and loving to my boys and not let them see my frustration. Most days I wait till naptime or bedtime and hang my head in shame that I'm not the mom I want to be. I wonder what others think if they look at me and the way I mother my children. Do they see the failure I am or do I hide it well enough?
Recently a fellow mom text me to vent her frustrations. She's not perfect either. She snapped at her kids. She feels like a failure. Oh how I know the feeling. How many other women out there are aiming for perfection and feel like they aren't reaching it? Whether it is mothering, jean size, or any other issue that comes up. How do we help? Do we look and judge? I know that is why I hide my fears and only show them to my husband. I don't want to be looked down on. Let's stop hiding! Let's use our self esteem issues to grow and help others. God has shown me that I'm not perfect but He created me for HIS workmanship, not for my own fears and pride. Let's encourage one another and not judge. What a lesson to me. I was not put on this Earth to point out others' imperfection to them or to perfect myself. I was put on this Earth to encourage and serve our Lord. After all, there is no perfect woman.
Hebrews 10
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
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